Saturday, January 31, 2009

The Bankruptcy of Atheism

Jack: Hey Ben, heard you got religion!
Ben: Well, not really...Jesus saved me and gave me a new life.
Jack: You gotta be kidding, man! There is no God!
Ben: Could I ask you a question?
Jack: Sure, go ahead.
Ben: Do you happen to know everything?
Jack: No dude, and neither do you!
Ben: You're right. But, what percent of TOTAL knowledge do you possess? Ten percent?
Jack: C'mon, one has that much. I just read where scientists believe that we are on the fringe of knowledge. So, I know, like a small percentage of a portion of less than one percent!
Ben: Okay, let's just say you know ONE percent of EVERYTHING there is to know in the universe.
Jack: All right...for arguments sake...
Ben: Well, is it possible that God could exist outside your one percent of total knowledge?
Jack: Yes, theoretically, yes...
Ben: You're a most remarkable atheist then. Two minutes ago, you stated that there was no God, and now you say that it is possible there is one. Why don't you make up your mind?

(two days pass and Jack and Ben meet again - this time Jack has a friend with him)

Jack: Hey Ben, been thinking about our conversation. I think I used the wrong term. I'm not really an atheist. I'm an agnostic!
Ben: Congratulations!
Jack: You like that?
Ben: Yes, that's a lot better. You're in a stronger position because you are telling the truth - you just don't know! By the way, what kind of agnostic are you?
Jack: Are there different kinds of agnostics?
Ben: Yes, among agnostics there are two main denominations, the ordinary agnostic and the ornery agnostic.
Jack: What do you mean by that crack?
Ben: The ordinary agnostic claims, "I don't know there is a God or not!" but the ornery one says, "I don't know, you don't know, nobody knows, and nobody will ever know!" If you say you know that I don't know then I will ask you how you know that I don't know!
Jack: Look man, I quit right there! I'm just a plain, ordinary agnostic. Julian Huxley was a brilliant scholar, and he was an agnostic!
Ben: Granted, Huxley was a brilliant expert in his field, in biology. But, how could any man be brilliant in agnosticism, which means "not knowing"... I just took a course in hermeneutics. Do you know what hermeneutics is? No? Does your friend know what hermeneutics is? No? Neither of you know? Then which of the two of you is more brilliant in not knowing hermeneutics?
Jack: Man, I gotta go. We'll talk more later.
Ben: Sure, later on.

Create a Calvinistic Cartoon Caption #8

Supply the caption - Earn a certificate!
Winner will be announced February 7

Friday, January 30, 2009

The Journal of Cotton Adams #8

May 10, 1738

Preached my "Sermon on the Amount" in the town of Broken Plow to a congregation of eighty seven. I mentioned that the collection is a Church function in which many people take only a "passing" interest. Not one seemed to recognize the feeble attempt at humor. They continued to stare at me with emotionless, unblinking eyes. At the conclusion of my oration I exclaimed,

"Surely you should give at least one-tenth of all you earn to the Lord!"

A myriad of hearty "amens" echoed throughout the pine wood church building.

One of the more fervent members, Millman Babbage, cart-wheeled up to the pulpit, balanced himself on the hand-railing, and shouted,

"I say let's raise it to ONE-TWENTIETH!"

Someone in the back seconded the motion and it was made an official policy of the Broken Plow Christian Church before I had a chance to explain their error. Chaos broke loose.

No novel or play ever presented such vicissitudes and events as this frenzy which enacted itself for more than twenty five minutes. I had no control over the unexpected activity that followed. I decided it was time for me to depart from this madness. As I galloped off on my trusty steed, Calico, I looked back and saw Millman Babbage atop a human pyramid juggling live cats and singing at the top of his lungs. Then, to my horror, the volcano that was less than fifty feet from the town, erupted and filled the town with hot lava and a thick cloud of ash.

When things cool off a bit I intend to return.

Fan Photo from Hondo McMillen

Lyrical Miracles Chosen One #2

Congratulations Pilgrim Mommy!
Our next challenge is to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies Theme Song"
(hint: find the lyrics on the internet, copy, paste, and change)
Read the rules first and write the song!
The chosen one will be announced on February 6th

It's a Scientific Fact!

When the Parachurch Paramecium invades a Sanctaloccocus Episcomoebius with their own brand of curriculum, the Sanctaloccocus Episcomoebius performs a cell division known as "binary fission".

Which indicates that these bacteria are either from Andy Taylor's ears or Opie Taylor's feet. "Binary fission" happens a lot in that part of the country. There are "fission holes" to be seen everywhere. Sometimes in Mayberry there will be signs posted that read, "Gone Fission." Let's just be thankful it wasn't from Otis Campbell or Howard Sprague!

Anyway, to get back to pure science, the division creates two new entities that go their own way. One is the road that leads to destruction. The other is the road to life. This is also referred to in the textbooks as, "Culture Wars". That's a lot like Star Wars, only with one-celled animals hogging the limelight.
It's a scientific fact!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Didn't See This Coming!

Has anyone seen this program? I would like to know a few more details. It was aired during the Super Bowl so I don't think many watched it.

Caption Contest Winner #7

Again, ladies and gentlemen, it was a difficult decision. But one that was predestined to happen! This time the judging of the contest was done by a descendant of Cotton Adams himself...Clay Adams. Clay is a circuit rider who uses a Harley motorcycle to travel from town to town, spreading the Good News that Jesus was born of a virgin, lived a sinless life, died on a cross, was buried and raised from the dead. I think we may publish a few of his journals here at Calvinistic Cartoons in the near future. Thanks everyone for your participation.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Hot Stuff


Nathan Bingham's comment is a great concern to me. I, in my ignorance, had no idea this blog appeared any different than what I see. Please read his statement:
"... just a comment regarding your formatting. For those readers who subscribe via RSS, our background is white and we therefore cannot read most of your posts as you select a plethora of colours, many very light.
This has meant that although I subscribe, I very rarely am able to read your posts, as I don't always have the time to click through to read them at your site."

Here is the test - and I need feedback from those who use RSS - let me know which of the colors listed below is easy to read (just list the letters in your response):


Random Word Writing Contest

There is a new contest in town and it's a fun one!
Write a paragraph or two using the following random words:
Preacher, tick, toothless, feet
Entries may be poetry, prose, fiction, essays or interviews. (or any other form of creatively written expression.) Just be funny. And give your piece a TITLE.
The winner will be announced on February 2nd and will be awarded a
Calvinistic Cartoons Excellence in Random Word Writing Award.
(it's a certificate not unlike the other for captions...only different...but with your name plastered on the front)
If this goes well, I will reward myself with a visit to IHOP -
(the International House of Prayer).

Monday, January 26, 2009

Little Known Quotes from Spiritual Giants part 3

"Now where did I leave my trowel?"- C. H. Spurgeon

"Honey, would you hand me my Bible?" - John Owen

"That was a great muffin!"- John Calvin

"Yes dear, you can have a bite of my pizza."- Cornelius Van Til

"Anyone up for a game of Go Fish?" - A. A. Hodge

"I ain't swimmin' in THIS lake, that's for sure!"- Augustine

"I need to exercise a little more this year." - B. B. Warfield

"Yes, I plan on writing some sketches for the Sid Caesar Show. Why?." - C. S. Lewis

"Oh good, my toothache has gone away!" - Thomas Boston

"I would like an R.C. Cola please...and make it snappy!" - R. C. Sproul

"Anyone here afraid of ventriloquist dummies?" - William Carey

"I was predestined to say what I am saying right now." - A. W. Pink

(singing) "I married a nun. Which started the whole world laughing..." - Martin Luther

"It's sassafras tea for me!" - Jonathan Edwards

"Ben Franklin, you are one funny guy!" - George Whitefield

"I have never played Twister and I never will!" - John MacArthur

Unbalanced Preaching

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Fan Photo from Edgar Allen Davis

Once more it appears certain Arminians are taking advantage of this blog site. Mr. Davis sent me this photo and the following email:
Eddie, just wanted you to know that I stumbled across this gallery in Vomitorium, Kansas. I recognized your work but didn't mention it to the owners as I struck up a conversation. I found out they were both 4 point Arminians who would like to see you serve twenty or thirty years in the slammer. One of the owners, Kipsy Mahoney, used to run a bingo parlor in the Vatican. The other, Leroy Montana, used to work at Circuit City. They both have criminal records and are at present hiding out from the police. I must say, I have never met two people more transparent. One even admitted to setting fire to an abandoned Root Beer warehouse in Topeka. Anyway, just thought you might like to know.
Please click on the photo for a larger view

Saturday, January 24, 2009

The Journal of Cotton Adams #7

May 3, 1738
Here I am come to recruit my strength after being confined for a fortnight with gout and fever, more than usually severe. While I was laid up, I drifted into, what I feel was a demonic attack in my weakened condition. I could not tell what was real or what was delusional.
The McDoogals, a kind family of eighteen who found me by the water well, brought me in and cared for me. At night, when all was quiet, except for a barn owl and a distant coyote, demons seemed to parade in front of me as puppets...speaking to me in a frightening fashion and with wee voices that chilled my blood. Outside the trees took on forms almost human and Calico, my faithful horse, seemed to have strings holding up his frame.
Once my fever broke, I discovered I had been chewing on some "loco weed" as I was writing in my journal. The McDoogals fed me a hearty breakfast and we had church there in the homestead. Mrs. McDoogal packed me a lunch in a rather large sack and placed it in my saddlebags. I witness a strange smile on her face as I galloped away.

I arrived in the nearby town of Ha-weeka-tonka-heeky (a native name meaning "laughing cloud rain on picnic") the next day. While visiting with a pastor there, I found to my surprise that the McDoogals were a family of ventriloquists! Immediately I examined my "lunch" sack and found a dummy that looked like Benjamin Franklin! I made a solemn vow never to return and I still have nightmares to this day.
I also am wearing a loco weed patch on my arm to take away the craving.

And Then There Were 35

I had 36 followers an hour ago...and now 35. I suspect murder. There are many Arminians out there who are trying to rid the world of "those crazy Calvinists". Atheists who would like to see us six feet under or wearing cement shoes at the bottom of the ocean. Well, you are not going to get away with this! I know some people who know some people and they will stand with me on this issue. When one Calvinist falls, two will take his/her place. That you will see, fowl murderer...that you will see.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Evangelism Tip

Let me tell you the reason God decrees junk mail. I used to hate all the fat envelopes sent to me each day from who knows where...until, it hit me. The postage paid envelopes that were always enclosed were tract holders! I now pick those out, throw everything else away, and stuff a Gospel tract (usually one of my own) into them and send 'em off the next day! Somebody has to open it up...and somebody is predestined to read it. A great way to plant seeds (metaphorically speaking, of course). If you don't have a tract then write a note or enclose a verse of Scripture. Anyway you look at it, you can be a missionary and it doesn't cost you a dime! Selah my bruthas.

Lyrical Miracles Chosen One #1

All the great lyrics from all the great "song-righters" are only a click away!

Our next challenge is to the tune of "Singing in the Rain". Y'know Gene Kelly, Debbie Reynolds and Donald O' Conner. It's only the American Film Institute's number one pick for best musical. Remember to have it related to theological themes...good, bad or ugly. (Calvinism, Arminianism, crackpots or cults). The chosen one will be announced on January 3oth!
Lyricists...start your engines!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Off and Running

Man in the Iron Mask

The "Stark" reality is that Tony is now an iron-clad Calvinist!
Here he is on his way to help Eddie with his computer problems. As you can see, headquarters is located in a far away, distant place far from the madding crowd's ignoble strife. So, go gently into that good night, brave warrior, till the sun grows cold, and the stars are old, and the leaves of Judgment Book unfold. Or, as the snail, whose tender horns being hit, Shrinks backward in his shelly cave with pain, And there, all smother'd up, in shade doth sit, Long after fearing to creep forth again; As I wax poetic, I am reminded that I must needs wax my vehicle lest rust and ruin befall it.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Create a Calvinistic Cartoon Caption #7

Refz is the new sheriff in town this week!
It's time once again to turn on the funny part of your brain and create some laughter! The winner will be announced on January 28 (that's 2009).

How Old?

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Letters to Vizzini

By way of introduction, Elder Vizzini Montoya, one of six elders at Cocopuff Presbyterian Church in LaQuinta, Idaho, has asked me to post his advice column here. He hopes to be an encouragement to the saints and source of wisdom for the ignorant. Vizzini attended seminary for ten straight years at Buttermilk Bible College in Sweet Tooth, Arkansas before it was simultaneously destroyed by a fire, a flood and a tornado last April.

His first entry tackles the age old "Will my pet be in Heaven" question.

Dear Vizzini,
Last week a visiting evangelist mentioned in his sermon that all pets are idols and will burn in Hell. He said all animals are born to deep fry and singled out Mr. Ed and King Kong as examples of pure animal evil. He said many pets are tail bearers and deserve eternal fire. When I asked him about my pet parrot, Mr. Beaks, he laughed and said my parrot probably never kept his mouth shut! When he left for KFC after the service, a pack of dogs and a small lemming attacked him in the parking lot. I want to know if I will see my pet, Mr. Beaks, in Heaven.
Thank you,
Sheree Sharah

Dear Ms Sharah,
That preacher doesn't know what he is talking about! He is just being bull-headed and catty. We know that there are horses in Heaven. Jesus doesn't return in a helicopter y'know. (see Revelation 19:14) Elijah went up into Heaven with the help of some horses (2 Kings 2:11) God could very well have an entire planet of just dogs, ducks or dolphins. Just remember this - If you really want your pet when you get to Heaven, God will give it to you.
In His Service,
Elder Vizzini Montoya

Fan Photo from Frankie Femur

There have been so many photos sent to me from followers of this blog, that I have decided to feature them from time to time. These are from fans who discover traces of the Calvinistic Cartoons influence in everyday life. I just found out about the Bagpipes McGee Fan Club that is scheduled to meet at the Bermuda Triangle two weeks from today. I will have to decline the invitation to attend this year. I have to...uh, do something else that day. And a shout out to Mooky Ponterra, who has formed the first Cotton Adams Three-Mile Radius Historical Tour and Bar-B-Que Buffet in South Carolina. I wish you all the best!
To see some of the other photos fans have mailed me click on "fan photos" below.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Baklava Koos Koos #5

I was washing my feet in the murky waters of the Kuru River when I fell into a deep sleep. I found myself in a large, empty room with no roof, that seemed to be suspended in the clouds. Suddenly, there appeared in the center of the room, an earthen bowl with letters floating in broth. The letters spelled out the name, "Razzendahcuben". A door swirled into view and an angel stepped through with an immense, short-handled mallet. He spoke in a melodious whisper.
"This is for you Baklava Koos Koos".
Then he pointed to a box with several holes on the surface.
"Try and hit as many gophers as you can!"
Then, one by one, gopher-like dolls popped up only to descend again. I managed to hit thirty two out of forty (the number of testing). Lights starting flashing, bells rang out, little bits of multi-colored parchment burst from on high and floated down on my humble frame.
The angel pulled back a curtain that appeared out of nowhere revealing a horse.
"This is your prize! You have won an oats-mobile."
I awoke from my sleep and wept…for I had no prize…and my sandals were missing.
I think I might need some help in the interpretation. Do YOU have the ability to interpret dreams?

Caption Contest Winner #6

Angus W. Duncan you da man!
Your Calvinistic comment was the cream of the crop!
Zack came in a very close second.

Pilgrim Mommy - could I have your permission to use your "Dixie" lyrics for a new contest series?

(My apologies that no award winning certificate has been posted yet. My computer's "pacemaker" is about to flatline. The monitor blue-screens and crashes way too often. I was plugging and unplugging, booting and rebooting, I even tried mouth to motherboard to no avail. It is also possible I didn't pay my bill. Anyway, I wasn't able to get on the internet at home this morning so, I am writing this during my break at the office. I do not have Photoshop here so pray that my 'puter is resuscitated before I arrive home this evening. Thanks guys! You all deserve a certificate!)

Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Cotton Adams Statue

Little known fact: Cotton Adams came up with the "Alphabet Travel Game" while on horseback in 1747. You start with the letter "A" and find one on a sign, cattle brand, wanted poster, carving on a tree or grave marker, say the word and then move on to the next letter. You can do this as a self-challenging competition with a given time limit or together with a traveling companion. The first one to get to the letter "Z" is the winner!
Special thanks to Cha Cha Forester for sending me this photo.

The Journal of Cotton Adams #6

October 3rd, 1737
Don't know what I'd do without my horse, Calico. I will never forget the day Calico was acquired!
I remember finishing up a three week preaching engagement at Yeehaw Junction Primitive Baptist Church a little over a year ago. I had announced my intentions of starting a circuit riding ministry. I knew God would provide the transport if I would just step out on faith.
At the chicken and biscuit dinner that followed, I saw an old, leathery man with crossed eyes and a mole the size of Rhode Island make his way through the crowd.
" name is Zane Doodle. I have been a deacon here at this church as long as you've been breathing!"
"I am pleased to meet you, Deacon Doodle." I smiled and shook his hand.
"Well, you need a horse and I have one I want to give you! I won't take no for an answer."
It was an answer to my prayers, I thought.
"A horse is a curious animal, he eats best when he doesn't have a bit in his mouth." He chuckled at his own joke and slapped me on my back.
"C'mon, follow me out a ways!"
For some unknown reason he wanted to exit out a window in the rear of the building.
We walked for a good forty or fifty minutes until we came upon an large, red barn that was in desperate need of repair."Now, go in there and pick the one that suits your fancy!"

Then Mr. Doodle bolted away, running as far as his skinny knee-britches would carry him. I could barely see him for the dust.When I entered the barn, I discovered hundreds of hand-painted, wooden horses and a dozen or so metal cows...yes, Deacon Doodle was one sandwich short of a picnic.
I walked eight miles to the town of Dry Fork and bought Calico for ten dollars from a Christian blacksmith named Lyman Meeps.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Wee Bagpipes McGee

Bagpipes McGee seems to have existed for generations, many believe him to be immortal. In reality, this wee Scotsman is descended from 20 previous generations of bagpipe players who all adopt the same persona. When a new McGee takes the task from his dying father, he swears the Oath of the Untuned Instrument: "I swear to devote my life to the musical overtures of Calvinist theology, songs of TULIPS, Predestination, mercy and grace, and my sons and their sons shall follow me". Keep in mind, all McGee's are tone deaf. They think their "melodies" are magnificent. You may see a wee McGee in Cotton Adams day...or in the present. Just keep an ear out or watch for a flock of birds starting to scatter in the distance. The wee man cometh.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Faye Rosehart

"Be gracious to me, O Lord , for I am languishing; heal me, O Lord , for my bones are troubled."
Psalm 6:2 (ESV)

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Backing for Cotton Adams

The towns folk of Booger Holler owe Cotton a great deal more than the six week revival that was held there. He saved the town from burning down when Mrs. O' Leary's cow, Bessie Mae, knocked over a coal lantern, and her chicken, Henrietta Bea, knocked over a sack of gun powder and two cans of kerosene.

Create a Calvinistic Cartoon Caption #6

Fiddle-dee-dee! Why it's that little ol' Caption Contest time again. The one who creates the best caption will receive their certificate on January 16th, 2009. And don't worry if you don't come up with something directly. After all... tomorrow is another day.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Suggestion Box

From time to time I will post a Suggestion Box to open up the forum on how I might improve this site. Be as honest as a Calvinist in a room full of vegetarians. (I don't know what that's just the cadence that appeals to me). If you want to see more characters developed, or more eliminated...or more caption contests and less trivia. If you like things the way they are. Whatever is on your mind, speak it or better yet, type it. I want this blog to succeed like a circuit rider on a Six Flags roller coaster. (...again, makes no sense...just like the pacing). It's still early...I need more coffee...

Just Passing Through

Caption Contest Winner #5

Chic and Gumbo both emailed me this morning with the results. They lost sleep. They lost weight. They lost their dog, Smarty Pants, and are offering a reward of $100 for the safe return of their best friend.

Baklava Koos Koos #4

I was riding my camel, Mazel Tov, when a thick fog surrounded me. I heard a voice from behind call my name. I turned and saw no one. As I dismounted, I saw a glowing man standing in the middle of two trees. When he spoke, I felt the hair on my arms stand up as if to listen.

"Baklava…Baklava Koos Koos…I am Philius, the angel of thick fog. Do not be afraid. I have come to give you EIGHT Clues that contain an important message. Interpret the hidden command correctly, and you will receive a brand new camel saddle complete with multi-colored blankets and an monogrammed water bottle made from the skin of the Saiga Antelope.

Wigs are nothing but false hoods...avoid them throughout your life.

Adam was the first person singular. The first thing he planted in the Garden of Eden was his feet.

Shadows are the only things that never cast a shadow.

Hay is grass ala mowed.

Fires make light of everything.

Eve was a wonderful first mate who kept her husband in stitches.

Eyes, if blackened by an enemy, are nothing but a pair of socks.

The mosquito is a small insect designed by God to make us think better of the fly.

You have the clues in front of your eyes
You may need help from some who are wise."

I figured this out within minutes. I know the problem is how do I interpret the meaning?
Can anyone help me with this?

Thursday, January 8, 2009

22nd Century Time Capsule .001

Eddie speaking: This is what I have been sent from the 22nd century. It is a dialog that took/will take place between Spiffy Noofala (├╝ber-Arminianism and Pelagianism taken to the extreme) and Neo Sporin (Rock-solid Calvinism unchanged by time):

Spiffy: We have a nickname for you sub-human undergrounds, "C.Y.B.O.R.G.S.", an acro for Christian Yo-Yo's (because YOU believe in the ultimate UP and DOWN) Being Obnoxious - Relaying God's "Sovereignty". Your theology is SO not politically precise. No wonder your kind is banned from PDA. (Public Display of Adoration). You CYBORGS stink!

Neo: We have a nickname for you also"Unbelievers". You claim to "believe" in God. But it's not the God of the Bible - it's a god that looks like you!

Spiffy: Nothing wrong with that! I am in love with my perfection and sinlessness. Heaven just wouldn't be Heaven without me. Anyone who believes in God goes to Heaven! My Bible says even demons believe! And they tremble with the anticipation of a Heavenly condo. Besides, everyone who has any sense knows that Hell is just a metaphor for bad moments on earth.

Neo: The "Bible" you use is a self-editing one. I have seen copies of the E.D.I.T Bible (Easy Does It Translation). It's a JOKE! You are able to change any verse to suit your mood at any moment of the day. Can't you see that is no foundation at all! The only Bible that is of any worth is the Holy Bible! And they are few and far between now that stores refuse to sell them.

Spiffy: My God leaves the translating to each individual. We are gods inside. We are all embraced by the divine light. You are a bunch of fools to think the Scriptures are infallible, inerrant, and verbally inspired!

Neo: Do yourself a favor. Find a copy of the ESV.3 somewhere…there are some used bookstores that might have a copy…and just READ the Gospel of John! That's all I am asking at this time. I will get back with you later.

Spiffy: To quote the prophet Joel Olsteen, "I will be HAPPY when my heavenly PAPPY makes me rich with my own self-esteem." I will read it when I feel like I need to, outlaw.

Eddie: This is all I have so far. I was told by the time capsule's "voice" that more transmissions will follow.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Letter Department

Dear Eddie,
I need your advice on this very awkward situation. There is a certain "blogger" who has a certain "theological world view" that I do not possess myself. I love his "humor" and his "cartoons" are funny but, sometimes he "preaches" a little too much on "five" areas of "doctrine" I don't agree with. I happen to attend the Okeedokee Free Will Baptist Church of Tupelo, Mississippi and would like "him" to read my new pop-up book: "I Ain't No Puppet and I Ain't No Robot!". Do you think "he" would mind me sending it to "him" and charging him for the postage?
Your semi-fan,
Ludloe Moots

Dear Ludloe,
I think "he" has already read your book. "He" picked it up at a garage sale last week. My advice to you is to do a study on Romans 9, John 10, John 17 and Ephesians chapter one as soon as possible! But, I must say, you have "inspired" me to write a pop-up book. A pop-up book to refute you own.
Will anyone out there in Lala Land help me with a working title?


The Journal of Cotton Adams #5

July 27th, 1737
One thing about my old horse, Calico, you can fall asleep in the saddle and he keeps on traveling. Well, this afternoon, I did just that. I woke up near the town of Crittermill to the sounds of singing and shouting! There was a big tent in the distance with hundreds of people jumping and hollering at the top of their voices. Seems there was a self-proclaimed "miracle-workin', preacher man" by the name of Willy Poppit. He had a hand painted sign outside the tent which read, "Man, I Cure! The Willy Poppit Power-on-High Heaven-Sent Anointed Revival and Mobile Library". Another sign read, "Snake Handling 101" and on the tent itself, someone had written in bold red letters, "Name Your Poison…and I'll Drink it!" Baskets for money were being passed around as the white haired figure behind the pulpit was barking like a wounded dog on a trail drive. I think he knew who I was, for he made his way down, looked me in the face with his wild-eyed stare, and said…"Yabba Dabba Doo and YOU CAN TOO!" Then he started bouncing around, slapping people on the head. I had never seen the like. Suddenly, a wee Scotsman came in playing the bagpipes and the crowd scattered like blind field mice at a cat convention. A fire broke out and cattle stampeded, tearing down the tent as it burned. I barely escaped with my life. A few hours later, I rode ol' Calico back to that spot. Sadly, I found Willy Poppit's body face down in a nest of rattlesnakes and a note that read, "I drank the poiso…" I have never been able to find out what "poiso" is. It must be some kind of liquid refreshment or something. I buried him by a weeping willow near Cockroach Creek. Even though, he was a tad looney, I hope to see him someday. Less wild-eyed and snakeless.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Blog Eddie-cut

If you think it is okay to "advertise" your other blog on your first blog
then click here!
If you believe it is best not to mention anything about it then please,
just don't mention anything about it.
Thank you.

Calvin Relaxing

Baklava Koos Koos # 3

I was floating peacefully on my back, down the River of Rhodan, when a voice came from a small cloud overhead:
"Memorize what I will tell you, then gargle with fresh salt water and the oil of Hyssop. When the next full moon occurs, you will find an albino camel drinking from the Marsh of Medeba. Buy it from the owner, a Bedouin by the name of Tobakki. In fact, buy the whole pack of camels. When you arrive at the Village of Valkilmer, sell them to a local merchant for twice the price. Then you will have enough moola to donate half to the School of Prophets and half to the non-prophet organization known as The Samsonites. You keep ten percent of the gross and buy yourself a new robe…or, at least, clean the one you have for crying out loud! I'll get back to you later...I gotta travel to the planet Mongo for a conference. Peace out."

Monday, January 5, 2009

Praying for a great year!

Just a note to all of you to pray and praise more this year! And it wouldn't hurt to read the Word more either! May God bless each and every one of his saints!
Deo Volente! Corem Deo! Soli Deo Gloria!

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Coming Soon

I know this sounds unbelievable but, a time capsule from the 22nd century arrived in my backyard yesterday! I will fill you all in on the details of my discovery in the near future, after I examine the contents to verify if it is indeed authentic! So far, it seems that this "Spiffy Noofala" is a product of a user-friendly presentation of the Gospel taken to the extreme. He thinks he is a real Christian and he seems to be in the popular majority in the 22nd century. "Neo Sporin", on the other hand, is the real thing. He is a Calvinist, and among the underground Church of the future. I'll get back with you after I read more. Some of the jargon is hard to understand. For some reason, this time capsule contains both sides of the future controversy. Maybe together we will find out why.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

The Journal of Cotton Adams #4

July 22, 1737
"The Preacher", as he preferred to be called, was a man by the name of Booder Butterbean, a tall, lanky fellow with ears the size of blacksmith anvils. I providentially discovered his unique ministry while on my way to Granville county. He had a wagon full of Bibles and Gospel tracts, and a portable pulpit he had built himself. He called it, "I Drive U Buggy - Evangelistic Ministry on Wheels". He had also made little cards he gave to all who wanted them. These cards were brightly decorated and printed on them were the words, "Verses in Scripture Applied". He said they were a reminder to memorize and apply to one's life...he called them "VISA cards". He started out with a song - "I preach from Grace-filled doctrines with a banjo on my knee". Then he cleverly used the acronym BANJO and molded his sermon thusly:
B - Bad to the bone
A - All the elect drawn

N - Nobody but the Bride of Christ
J - Just as irresistible as can be

O - On the pages of the Book of Life forever!

He ended his sermon with a banjo solo and a double backflip and the townsfolk received him gladly. I made my way to the front of the crowd, introduced myself, and asked for an audience with him later that day. Then I found a large oak tree and bedded down for a short nap. Shortly afterwards, I awoke from my slumber by Preacher Butterbean and a large group of towns people.
"Well, here I am Mr. Adams, and I brought an audience with me!"
His lack of formal education had an innocent quality and we became the best of friends. I was certain we would meet again someday soon.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Little Known Quotes from Spiritual Giants part 2

"Please shut the door on your way out!" - C. H. Spurgeon

"What smells in here?!" - John Owen

"I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam!" - John Calvin

"Could I borrow your lawnmower?" - Cornelius Van Til

"Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to yoooou" - A. A. Hodge

"You mispronounced my name again!" - Augustine

"I think I have a little bit of a fever..." - B. B. Warfield

"Let's see...The Chronicles of,, Neiman's..." - C. S. Lewis

"Oh no! I just lost another tooth!" - Thomas Boston

"No more buffets for me thank you." - R. C. Sproul

"I wish I could play the banjo!" - William Carey

"Anyone want some green eggs and ham?" - A. W. Pink

"Here I stand...just don't push my buttons Pope dopes!" - Martin Luther

"Anyone got some jerky?" - Jonathan Edwards

"I'm gettin' me a dog!" - George Whitefield

"See if R.C. wants to go to Wendy's for lunch tomorrow." - John MacArthur

Baklava Koos Koos #2

HEY! It's a lot easier to read when you click on Baklava!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Create a Calvinistic Cartoon Caption #5

p.d. nelson you did well son!
This time EVERYONE else came in second!
Thanks for making this the best Calvinistic Cartoon Contest yet!

Time again to strain your brain!
The winner will be announced on Friday, January 9th!
Even if you don't win a personalized certificate you still have the satisfaction of bringing a smile or a giggle to some of the frozen chosen! The judges this time are Chic & Gumbo! So, go ahead, Mr. or Mrs. Mirth, make 'em laugh!

Winner of Cartoon Caption Contest

The winner is pilgrim mommy!
Thanks kamelda, zack, postmillenial_calvinist, and pastorharold for your funny entries.
note to pilgrim mommy: if you would like a larger version of this certificate (suitable for framing) let me know where you would like me to send it. Thanks for making me laugh!
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