Monday, November 30, 2009

Meet Vern Naler

I was recently informed by a stranger that Crispen LaMare may not be doing the job he was hired for. Since Crispen never reads blogs I don't have to worry about him knowing. So I have hired me a private investigator, Vern Naler, (seen above) to follow Crispen for the next 24 hours. Vern is an honest fellow, I believe, and has worked with many Presidents. The President of the National Leaf Blowers of America, the President of Vista Print Business Cards, the President of Bar-B-Cutie Pork Rinds, and President of the Bingo League of Tidewillow, Arkansas.
As a test, I had Vern Naler follow someone to see if he would be detected. Unfortunately, that someone was a pearl diver and Vern almost drowned. The pearl diver ended up saving his life. Mr. Naler only charges a penny for the first day, then double the amount the next day - then the next - and so on. His contract is for only a month so I am not worried.

Record Breaker

Yes, no one has been able to listen
to this record without breaking it!

Just for Laughs #61

Tap into the humor part of your soul
and come up with something funny

Something Old Something New #6

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Meet Crispin LaMare

I needed a public relations man, and Crispin LaMare was the only one who answered my ad in the Mall Street Journal. Publicity is something hard to get when you need it and easy if you don't. Crispin is an expert at PR work. He can say a great deal about nothing or say nothing about a great deal.
He wrote commercials for Winky Dink Plastic Drawing Screens for the Television Set. He created the warning labels for Slip & Slides and has written a TV pilot entitled, "The Crispin LaMare Show". His latest vanity press book is co-authored by Frank Perettios and is about vampire lemmings during the gold rush of 1849. He has ghost written a half dozen Christian novels about the Endtimes. Larry and Katrice Endtimes, a couple with an unusual last name who get framed for contempt of court.
Mr. LaMare has agreed to help me publicize Calvinistic Cartoons, so he may be calling on you for help in the near future. He tells me that by the end of my life, I should see a bright light and that I should follow that light. He says he knows what he is talking about since his entire life is a near-death experience.
I welcome any new ideas from Crispin. And I hope you won't think he is intruding when he knocks on your door at 3 A.M. to convince you to help promote CC.
Thank you and have a great couple of hours.

Turning Point

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Calvinopoly and Greed

Recently I found out that someone was selling T-Shirts with my Calvinopoly creation on the front as if it was their design! (no joke) I contacted the screening company and after documenting that it was indeed my own design, they removed the shirt from their product line. Believe me when I tell you, I love to have my cartoons and artwork posted anywhere on the internet (there has to be exceptions to the rule here, I just don't have time right now to think of any) but, to make money off my artwork is like __________ ____ ________ ______ _____ ___ ________. (I don't have time to think of anything clever either) I wouldn't have minded so much if the brother would have contacted me to make a deal. I didn't even get a T-Shirt! Please let me know if you ever come across anything like this...or even if you see a mispelled word or incomplete sentence somewhere. Or even if you (I don't have time to finish that last sentence)

Wishing Well

Just for Laughs #60

Now is your chance to take a flight of fantasy
...and write about it.

Friday, November 27, 2009


Free Spurgeon bust! Free complete set of Spurgeon Sermons! Free set of the Works of John Owen! Free IVP Commentaries! Free collection of Banner of Truth books! Free Bibles! Anything you want to giveaway today is okay with me! Just give! Make it every Friday! It's more blessed to give than to receive y'know! Let me know when and where and I will post it here for free!

Calvinist Romance Magazine

E Slops Fables #6

This is a very teeny tiny town

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Manhattan Declaration and Transfer

The Manhattan Transfer seen at the Manhattan Declaration singing "Operator Give Me Jesus on the Line" with Albert Mohler (seen in background) on the electric bass.

Good News..paper

Felix was comfortable with his new New Testament
until someone at work wanted to borrow the Sports section.

Just for Laughs #59

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

What Goes On in Arminian Laboratories

Oh, the horror...the horror

Just for Laughs #58

Arminian Ability Magazine

You either get it or you don't

Behind the Scenes

This is Woodrow Tangneedle. He is one of the staff artists at Calvinistic Cartoons. In this photo you can see Woodrow working on the art for the joke just below this one. No joke! He is one of the finest Christians you will ever meet. When he approached me and humbly said I should not muzzle the ox when he is treading grain, I took his muzzle off. (joke) Actually, he works for $7,000 a day. I think he is worth it.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Calvinistic Cartoons Awarded Trophy!

Yesterday, in a warehouse freezer, Calvinistic Cartoons was awarded a golden trophy for "The Most Outstanding Blog with the Initials C.C. in the Field of Pathetic Humor and Flamboyant Jibber-Jabber" by the Committee to Free All Prisoners from Arkham Asylum in Gotham City, Ohio.
During his acceptance speech, Eddie Eddings was hit by a maltese penguin and was driven to the nearest hospital two hundred miles away. The trophy was well received but, was microscopic in size.

Trophy seen here with help from an electron microscope

So You Can Know What to Pray About

Something Old Something New #5

Thursday, November 19, 2009


It's has been quite a ride. But, posting two, three and sometimes fours entries a day can take its toll. I placed a new widget "Recent Comments" on the sidebar thinking it would increase comments. It hasn't. No new followers joining. Old friends have stopped writing. I need to spend more time in finding a permanent job here in Kuwait. I have had one art freelance job that was never paid in full. Cheated out of more than $700. I am now working  as a freelance web page copy writer for a very large company. I hope it will eventually work into something permanent. I had to fly to Dubai and back just to renew my 3 month visa. (you have to leave the country and return as a guest until you can get a civil ID by working a full-time job)

My only expression of creativity comes in the form of Calvinistic Cartoons. Which I love doing. I love the comments from you guys. Brain draining or no, I wish I could do this all the time. But, I am also in the process of writing another book. I can't keep posting multiple entries every day while the popularity of Calvinistic Cartoons seems to be waning. So this will be my last post today. Of course, tomorrow I will be back with new ideas and humor. I have decided to only post four today. I may have to start posting one a day like most bloggers do.

The picture above is not Calvinistic Cartoons sinking, as you may have imagined. It is the miraculous raising of a year old ship. Rising to continue on the watery path on the Blogger Ocean. Keep writing. Keep praying. Keep your doors locked at night.
See you guys tomorrow with a ship load of new entries!
Thanks for your support (I hope) everybody!

Where are the Bereans when ya need 'em?

Just for Laughs #55

A good caption will help to explain Granny gone wild!
(just keep it in theological boundaries if'n ya please)

Something Old Something New #3

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

A Page from Spurgeon's Mystery Magazine

No, this wasn't the beloved pastor, C.H. Spurgeon, but a distant relative by the name of Chauncey Heath Spurgeon. He started the Spurgeon Mystery Magazine in 1951 with only thirty five dollars in the bank. Today he has thirty seven.

Fan Photo from Tiki Manchurian

Tiki has uncovered a photo from the past that proves that Calvinistic Cartoons existed years before the blog was created. Babe Ruth was the first to officially join the CCFC ranks as Private First Class. This picture also hangs on the wall of the CCFC headquarters. I never mentioned this before, because I didn't see a need to.
So for your discovery, Tiki Manchurian, I am sending you a check for eight thousand dollars and an original baseball bat that Babe decided not to use.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Behind the Scenes part 2

This is the Calvinistic Cartoons department that is dedicated to inticing more people to comment with clever captions.

Behind the Scenes

I thought I would show you what a typical day at Calvinistic Cartoons Headquarters looks like. The staff is hard at work, bringing you the best medically approved humor it can create. What takes seconds to post, actually takes many hours to process before leaving the plant. We here at CC wish everyone who reads this blog, the best holiday season ever!
(The only way to really appreciate the efforts of this tireless team of Sovereign Grace men is to click on the photo and examine it more closely.)

Dislocated Hip Hop

Friday, November 13, 2009

Fan Photo from Fifi Flanhammer

This semi-rare comic book is listed in the Overpriced Street Guide for Comic Books for $75.95. It was intended to be a one shot issue but, continued bi-monthly until number five because of semi-popular demand. The letter page, called "Bullet Notes", featured comments from a young James R.White and Albert Mohler.
Fifi, for your diligence in surfing the web, I am sending you a check for $7,595. It's the least I can do.

Sign of the Times

Thursday, November 12, 2009

B-Day Today

Well, only one year old and I feel like I have known some of you for a lot longer. Thanks to Melvin Swartz who performed a tracheotomy on me with only a pen and a straw last night as I was celebrated 365 days of blood, sweat and tears. Thanks to readers like Lubin Fleabody, who pulled me from a burning car in southeast Dallas five months ago. I would also like to applaud the bravery of one of the followers of Calvinistic Cartoons, Kenny Saltenmoocher, for throwing himself on the hand grenade tossed by Arminian activist, Sprinter McBee. Special thanks will be sent, with a check for six grand, to Phoebe Shinloin, for donating her bladder to the Methodist Hospital of Forgotten Dreams. To all the loyal readers, and to those who aren't really loyal but could be if they had the time, I bid you good providence. Just remember when you are using someone else's computer to secretly bookmark this site. They will thank you later, I'm sure of it.

Something Old Something New #1

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