Thursday, February 28, 2013
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
Saw a kidnapping today. Decided not to wake him up though...
Why does a moon-rock taste better than an earth-rock? Because it's a little meteor!
My wife changed after she became a vegetarian...it's like I've never seen herbivore.
What do you do if you're attacked by a group of clowns? Go straight for the juggler.
My wife said she's getting fed up of my constant guitar puns. I told her not to fret.
Dijon vu - the feeling you get when you use the same mustard as before.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Velcro. What a rip off.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone. Then it dawned on me.
I wrote a song about tortilla. Actually it's more of a wrap.
Today my phone died. There will be no reception.
How do you turn soup into gold? You add 24 carrots.
A book just fell on my head. I only have myshelf to blame.
Sleep? There’s a nap for that.
I just can't get enough of stories with female protagonists. I guess you could say I'm a heroine addict.
I know a guy addicted to brake fluid, he says he can stop anytime.
I shot a man in paintball just to watch him dye.
Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.
After time traveling I was still hungry, so it went back four seconds.
When I was little my dad would put me in a tire and roll me down a hill for fun. Those were Goodyears.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity, it's impossible to put down!
My recliner and I go way back.
Changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Spies who still disguise themselves using newspapers with holes cut out are often behind The Times.
FUN FACT: It's impossible to look cool when using your iPad to take a photo.
Would you mind repeating the part where you weren't talking?
For breakfast, 3 bowls of porridge is the bear minimum.
Haunted French pancake shops still give me the crêpes.
You don't see many ninjas these days. Which only means they're getting better.
Got a new turtleneck sweater. It's really comfortable, but sad that all those turtles had to die.
I've owned 3 Golden Retriever's and not once has one of them brought me any gold.
The recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees," so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.
I had a dream that I watched Inception, and now I'm really confused.
I've been moonlighting as a Werewolf.
Apparently, California has the highest rate of Adultery and Depression. It's a sad State of affairs.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Thursday, February 21, 2013
It's National Libraries Day - keep it quiet.
At the start of the film, Matt Damon doesn't even know he's Bourne.
My wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I keep forgetting which meat I've eaten. Must be Spamnesia.
My motto is "Never say never". Thus instantly breaking my own rule.
Life must be unbearable for closet Claustrophobes.
My friend has left Facebook. We haven't seen the likes of him since.
Guess I'd forgotten how to throw a boomerang...wait!...it's coming back to me now
Twitter: The Movie. It's like The Social Network, but with fewer characters.
Sitting in the park without food and drink can be tough. It's certainly no picnic.
My wife wants me to play Monopoly even though some of the cards are missing. There's no Chance!
What has four legs, is green on top, and if it fell on you from a tree would kill you? ...a pool table.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Monday, February 18, 2013
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Friday, February 15, 2013
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
The inventor of the ballet skirt was struggling for a name, until he finally put tu and tu together.
"You Tolkien to me?!" - Hobbit de Niro.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a shape-shifting alien who is on a mission of destruction.
I still whisper "We're in" to myself whenever I log onto a wifi network.
I'm often asked what makes a good tongue-twister. Well, it's hard to say.
Had Laser Eye Surgery yesterday, and I've already set fire to our sofa and a water tower in Kuwait.
The Weight Watchers website requires you to have cookies disabled.
If Hitchcock had made The Hobbit, it would have been called "Dial M for Mordor".
The best thing about telepathy is...I know, right?
The cloning experiment was a complete success. I'm beside myself.
There is not a day that goes by when I cannot look into someone's eyes and say in French, "Les Miserables...(pause for effect)...Les Miserables".
I hope someone reviewing "The Life of Pi" gives it 3.14 stars.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Saturday, February 9, 2013
They say you should test your fire alarm once a month. I try but it's costing me a fortune in houses.
My GPS keeps saying, "Go home and study the Bible."
579s84a831f9e94t67y89304. There is safety in numbers.
Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it's time and getting to know each one of us personally.
If a man said he'll fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.
You say you want to bring me back to reality. You're assuming I've been there before.
If my memory gets any worse I'll be able to plan my own surprise party.
It's nice that humans have the ability to recharge wirelessly.
The film 'Flight' seems to be a Pilot episode.
At the stroke of midnight, Beulah Rae wept softly, cradling the sour cream as it expired.
Somewhere between the blah blah blah and the yadda yadda, you've got a point there.
It's all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
Friday, February 8, 2013
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
This statement is false.
Stupid autocorrect. You always end up posting some thing you didn't Nintendo.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
I do fifty crunches every morning. I figure that's enough Frosted Flakes for anyone.
If Darwin was right my dog would be able to use a can-opener by now.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you again. And stop picking on me, I'm clearly an idiot.
The imaginary enemy of my enemy is my imaginary friend.
The ninja diet involves eating whatever you want and never getting caught.
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
Well what day WILL you have time for my shenanigans?
"Do I come here often?" ~Amnesiac pick-up line.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
When you point a finger in blame, there are 3 fingers pointing back at you. That’s why I point with my thumb: then there are 4 fingers pointing at the guy next to me.
Psychic Fair Cancelled Due To Unforeseen Circumstances.
Pink Floyd? I didn't know she had a last name.
I bought an Audio Cleaning CD. I'm a big fan of theirs.
I often wonder how many Calvinists out there use "Spurgeon, Calvin, TULIP or Election as passwords...just raise your hands where no one can see you.
How do I set my Laser printer to "Stun"?
I bought a used GPS from a pastor of a SBC church and it kept telling me to repent and turn around.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
I'm about to rewrite history. History.
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Dyslexia." "Dyslexia how?"
How come no super-villain has tried to kill spiderman with bug spray?
Gravity: It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
The Universe is expanding. That should help ease the traffic.
Ever notice the roof of your car is the worst cup holder ever?
Actually, I'm not getting smaller. I'm running away from you.
Any food can be a superfood if you put a little cape on it.
I think hitch-hikers are really friendly. I've gone past three in the last hour and they all gave me the thumbs up.
Broke a light bulb today. Seven years of bad ideas?
People have one thing in common: they are all different.
I slept like a rock last night meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
I remember, before I left for Kuwait, my local Blockbuster changed its name to Building For Rent.
To err is human, to arr is pirate.
Sure the weed whacking is done but now we have no phone or internet.
I got my tax refund yesterday. Now, I'm just trying to decide at which vending machine to spend it.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Maybe we should be focusing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don't sleep in the same bed anymore.
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone.
Every time I take up exercising I meet new people. They're usually paramedics, but still, new people
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
How dare you incinerate that I don't know big words.
Darkest: the exact moment you’re trying to find your seat at a movie.
Every time your kid starts crying when they don't get what they want, just say "I don't negotiate with terrorists."
Time: Don't spend it all in one place.
"I" before "e" except after "c" has been disproved by science.
I’m pretty sure if dogs could talk their most common phrase would be “Are you going to eat that?”
There may be no "i" in "team," but there are three in "narcissistic."
As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought "Dogs are easily amused." Then I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail.