The Journal of Cotton Adams #19

September 10, 1739

One former member of the Holy Mackerel Club, a very lean and lanky man by the name of Ichabod Spleen, had some unusual ideas for evangelism. One of which was to use ventriloquism to share the Gospel as if it were being communicated from a squirrel in a tree or a swallow resting on a leafy branch. I later found out he was quite insane as he explained to me how he was raised by lemmings.

September 11, 1789

Had counsel with a delightful fellow by the name of Dr. Jekyll this afternoon. He seemed to be a bit jittery at the end of our talk and abruptly excused himself. He made extreme haste in leaving and in doing so left his hat on his chair. Not ten minutes later, a Mr. Hyde barged into my room and demanded a bottle of whiskey and a box of cigars. I explained I neither drank alcohol or smoked tobacco. He grabbed Dr. Jekyll's hat and slammed the door behind him. I noticed he was wearing the clothes of the good doctor and informed the local authorities of possible criminal activity. They found Dr. Jekyll a few hours later behind the feed store, unharmed but clothes torn and dirty.

Letters to Vizzini

By way of introduction, Elder Vizzini Montoya, one of six elders at Cocopuff Presbyterian Church in LaQuinta, Idaho, has asked me to post his advice column here. He hopes to be an encouragement to the saints and source of wisdom for the ignorant. Vizzini attended seminary for ten straight years at Buttermilk Bible College in Sweet Tooth, Arkansas before it was simultaneously destroyed by a fire, a flood and a tornado last April.

His first entry tackles the age old "Will my pet be in Heaven" question.

Dear Vizzini,
Last week a visiting evangelist mentioned in his sermon that all pets are idols and will burn in Hell. He said all animals are born to deep fry and singled out Mr. Ed and King Kong as examples of pure animal evil. He said many pets are tail bearers and deserve eternal fire. When I asked him about my pet parrot, Mr. Beaks, he laughed and said my parrot probably never kept his mouth shut! When he left for KFC after the service, a pack of dogs and a small lemming attacked him in the parking lot. I want to know if I will see my pet, Mr. Beaks, in Heaven.
Thank you,
Sheree Sharah


Dear Ms Sharah,
That preacher doesn't know what he is talking about! He is just being bull-headed and catty. We know that there are horses in Heaven. Jesus doesn't return in a helicopter y'know. (see Revelation 19:14) Elijah went up into Heaven with the help of some horses (2 Kings 2:11) God could very well have an entire planet of just dogs, ducks or dolphins. Just remember this - If you really want your pet when you get to Heaven, God will give it to you.
In His Service,
Elder Vizzini Montoya