Amish Answers for your Daily Needs

Dear Mr. Amos,
   I am depressed, melancholy and a little heavyhearted right now. You see, my best friend, Kenny Lumpkin, is now a member of Rob Bell's church. He also stole seven grand from me and left the mustard out when he last visited. I live in on the tenth floor of an apartment building so don't tell me to build a stupid barn!
Thanks for your advice in advance,
Harvey Topeka

Dear Harvey,
I know not who this Rob Bell fellow is but, names mean something. And who could trust someone who "steals a metal object shaped like an upside down cup that makes a noise when its sides are hit with a metal piece inside it"?  Don't worry,  friend... I will build a tiny barn out of Lincoln Logs and have it delivered to your address by horse and buggy. You can thank me later.

The Rockwellian Dilemma of Time Travel

Posted on 1/2/12 at 12:12 AM

The Journal of Cotton Adams #6

October 3rd, 1737
Don't know what I'd do without my horse, Calico. I will never forget the day Calico was acquired!
I remember finishing up a three week preaching engagement at Yeehaw Junction Primitive Baptist Church a little over a year ago. I had announced my intentions of starting a circuit riding ministry. I knew God would provide the transport if I would just step out on faith.
At the chicken and biscuit dinner that followed, I saw an old, leathery man with crossed eyes and a mole the size of Rhode Island make his way through the crowd."Cotton...my name is Zane Doodle. I have been a deacon here at this church as long as you've been breathing!"
"I am pleased to meet you, Deacon Doodle." I smiled and shook his hand.
"Well, you need a horse and I have one I want to give you! I won't take no for an answer."
It was an answer to my prayers, I thought."A horse is a curious animal, he eats best when he doesn't have a bit in his mouth." He chuckled at his own joke and slapped me on my back.
"C'mon, follow me out a ways!"
For some unknown reason he wanted to exit out a window in the rear of the building. We walked for a good forty or fifty minutes until we came upon an large, red barn that was in desperate need of repair."Now, go in there and pick the one that suits your fancy!"
Then Mr. Doodle bolted away, running as far as his skinny knee-britches would carry him. I could barely see him for the dust.When I entered the barn, I discovered hundreds of hand-painted, wooden horses and a dozen or so metal cows...yes, Deacon Doodle was one sandwich short of a picnic.
I walked eight miles to the town of Dry Fork and bought Calico for ten dollars from a Christian blacksmith named Lyman Meeps.