Friday, July 31, 2009

Coffee House #6

This episode of Coffee House Confidential is brought to you by
the Bumper Sticker Study Bible,
Genesis through Revelation - One bumper sticker at a time!
(with sticky notes by Flavius Joe Cephas)

This week takes me to "City Sippers", a coffee shop located in Mudstump, Oklahoma. I had my mini-recorder microphone hidden at a table where two Christian pastors were locked in an interesting discussion. Let's have a listen:

Sam: I don't follow any MAN! I follow Christ! You see, I'm not a Calvinist OR an Arminian - I just believe the Bible! Besides, Paul condemns your divisive ways in 1 Corinthians 1:12...y'know, one says "I am of Apollos, another, I am of Paul..."
Dave: Paul is condemning the practice of putting God's servants on "celebrity status" which is a form of idolatry...and he is condemning a spiritual pride that looks down it's sinful nose at other Christians. The group that states, "I am of Christ" in that passage had a Pharisaical attitude of one-upmanship. Because men are prone to wander from God, following ANYONE who claims he is a "Christian" but, who make HIMSELF the authority over Scripture - who exhalts HIS name over the Lord Jesus Christ, or who demands obedience to his own interpretation is just plain stupid! Paul never did that and neither did Calvin!
Spurgeon said, "Calvinism is nothing more than a nickname for Biblical Christianity." He was spot on. Calvinism isn't adherence to a person, but to a set of beliefs which are rightly in accord with the Word of God!
Sam: The Bible is my map. I don't need someone telling me how to read it...including you!
Dave: To understand a map fully you need to know how to read it. That's why they print a "legend" on the map. It reveals more about the map itself. It helps you to interpret the symbols and explains what you are viewing in precise detail!
Sam: Who needs it? I never use a "legend". I just track where I am going and go.
Dave: Listen, Arminianism has taken the original map and blackened out certain highways and drawn in alternate routes that run contrary to reality! It has pasted their OWN legend over the right one, that in no way conforms to the facts! This is not only misleading, but an act of extreme arrogance as well!
Sam: I told you before, I don't follow a man. I believe man has total free will and that God sovereignly gave man the last word in his own salvation. He can vote yes or he can vote no. It all centers around what MAN will do with his choice. It is not up to God to decide. It left that in our hands.
Dave: Then you are not an Arminian - you are a "Harminian". You hurt yourself and others with your "God-as-cosmic-bellhop" propaganda.
Sam: For that, no more frappuccinos.
Dave: I was the one who bought the coffee, not you.
Sam: Oh yeah.

The Journal of Cotton Adams #21

September 15, 1739

Conducted the funeral for Mitzi Bloom, one of the greatest cooks this side of the Mississippi. Her baking business had so many faithful followers. They all had gathered to wish her the final farewell today. At her request I sang a song she had written to her two best friends and business companions, Tina Martinez and Marge Marginheimer:

Don't Cry For Me Marge and Tina:
It won't be easy
You'll think it strange
When I try to explain how I feel
That I still need your dough
After all that I've done
You won't believe me
All you will see
Is a gal you once knew
Although she was baking a pie
And several muffins and cakes

I had to let it happen
I had to bake
Couldn't stay all my life washing dishes
Looking out of the window
Staring out at the sun
So I chose cooking
Running around trying everything new
But nothing impressed me at all
Until I tasted your rolls.

Don't cry for me Marge and Tina
The cake walks will continue
Keep frying chicken
Make mashed potatoes
Serve hot with butter
Please use the skillet.

There was not a dry eye at the grave site. The supper afterwards was fit for Heaven.

The Journal of Cotton Adams #20

September 12, 1739

It was an honor and privilege to finally meet George Fitwheel, the famous Calvinistic Methodist evangelist today. His voice is remarkable and astonishingly captivating. I still get a chill down my spine when he says that blessed word, "Mesopotamia". He once was intreated upon to become a singer with the "Barnum and Bill Bailey Won't You Please Come Home Circus of the Stars" in Chicken Beak, New Mexico.

Mr. Fitwheel is also lovingly known as "Dr. Squirt'em" because of the irregular tear duct which will shoot an ounce to an ounce and a half of watery saline a distance of six or seven feet. (Ben Franklin measured this phenominan in the Spring of '37).

I have found George Fitwheel to be a very emotional man, and I have noticed that when he weeps, his eyes cross so extremely that tears flow down his back.

We go our separate ways tomorrow, but I have found in him a kindred spirit, a brother and friend.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

The Journal of Cotton Adams #19

September 10, 1739

One former member of the Holy Mackerel Club, a very lean and lanky man by the name of Ichabod Spleen, had some unusual ideas for evangelism. One of which was to use ventriloquism to share the Gospel as if it were being communicated from a squirrel in a tree or a swallow resting on a leafy branch. I later found out he was quite insane as he explained to me how he was raised by lemmings.

September 11, 1789

Had counsel with a delightful fellow by the name of Dr. Jekyll this afternoon. He seemed to be a bit jittery at the end of our talk and abruptly excused himself. He made extreme haste in leaving and in doing so left his hat on his chair. Not ten minutes later, a Mr. Hyde barged into my room and demanded a bottle of whiskey and a box of cigars. I explained I neither drank alcohol or smoked tobacco. He grabbed Dr. Jekyll's hat and slammed the door behind him. I noticed he was wearing the clothes of the good doctor and informed the local authorities of possible criminal activity. They found Dr. Jekyll a few hours later behind the feed store, unharmed but clothes torn and dirty.

The Journal of Cotton Adams #18

September 2, 1739
I reached the town of Flavenfoofel in the afternoon. I stayed at the Dew Drop Inn and fell into bed, exhausted from a full day of travel. I visited the Flavenfoofel Friends Fellowship Church and heard a sermon quite innocent of meaning. No substance. No gospel. Just an attempt to make the members comfortable in their sinful practices. the pastor should have put out to pasture. It almost appears he has switched sides. His announcement of a visiting preacher for the evening gathering sparked my curiosity, for I have heard of this name in three of the last towns I ministered.
The evening sermon, by the preacher known as Max Crassman, disturbed me greatly. He is known by some as the "Cursing Preacher", although, a better title would be "The Cursed Preacher".
Is there no man of spirit belonging to this congregation? Why is such burlesque upon public worship suffered? Would it not be far better to pay this "gentleman" for doing nothing, than for doing mischief and for bringing a scandal upon the Grace-filled doctrines we cherish?
I will not repeat even a part of his "sermon" for I am commanded , by our Lord, not to even think on these things, but I will leave you my "List of Reasons" I have now successfully posted throughout this town. I have to confess, I was never more tempted to throttle someone in the "ministry" than I was last night. This was my way of satirizing the preachers position in his use of profane words:
Ten Reasons Why I Use Foul Language
1. It pleases mother so much.
2. It is a fine mark of manliness.
3. It proves I have self control.
4. It indicates how clearly my mind operates.
5. It makes my conversation so pleasing to everybody.
6. It leaves no doubt in anyone's mind as to my good breeding.
7. It impresses people that I have more than ordinary education.
8. It is an unmistakable sign of culture and refinement.
9. It makes me a very desirable personality among women and children and in respectable society.
10. It is my way of honoring God who said, "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain." (Exodus 4:12)
In this way I appeal both to common decency and common sense, which I am afraid is no longer as common as it once was.

Just for Laughs #17

Create the caption that would make an Arminian mailman laugh.

Saturday, July 25, 2009


First off, at 12:40 p.m. today, my wife's mother went to worship Jesus face to face. Please pray for my wife during this time when everything is hitting her rather hard.
I just returned to work from the hospital and gave my supervisor my two week notice. My wife and I will be leaving, August 12, to live in Kuwait.
God has opened the door for us to live there rent free. She will be teaching journalism and I haven't a job yet. I hope to give private cartooning lessons. Pray for my work situation.
My biggest question is "Who is praying for workers in this field?" There are a few churches there and they are packed to overflowing. When I was there last year, I saw a car with the Christian symbol of the fish. It is just against the law to try and convert a Muslim.
Because of my move (the container with a lot of our belongings was sent weeks ago) my blog may suffer a little. So far, I have been able to continue, without my Photoshop-installed computer, to add daily to my blog. You have probably noticed the many postings each day. That is to give the readers a lot to look through while I am in transition. I haven't been able to work on weekends and I have noticed a drop in readership and comments lately. So I would like to ask all of you to dig a little deeper in the archives and please do not drop your following.
Also, I may have to drop a few of my blog links, when the subject of Islam comes up. I will continue my blog there but, I may be monitored a lot more closely. I want to keep the humor going...after all, it is a humor blog. And keep praying...I need the prayers and you need the practice!
This is the hardest move we have ever made. It is a purging of sorts. I have sold, given away and will give give all my Christian books before I leave. I only took a box of my very best. I am dying to self every day and am excited to see what God will do.
And keep this in mind (and heart), whatever comes your way today is not an accident - it is a Divine assignment. Nahum 1:3 is a great verse. (they're ALL great verses - so read all the verses in the Bible before it and all the verses in the Bible after it) It says, "His way is in the whirlwind and the storm." When a storm is going on, all of your plans change. So, your day is really an ACT OF GOD. Look to Him who controls the weather. He is having His way in the storm, so celebrate wherever you are today. You have been trusted by God with an assignment from Him! Take time today to forget about yourself and experience just how awesome God is. Isaiah 6: 1-8, perhaps the greatest worship scene in the Bible, is a good place to focus. Read the passage...but pray first - you are on Holy ground:

1 In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple.
2 Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying.
3 And they were calling to one another:
"Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty;
the whole earth is full of his glory."
4 At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.
5 "Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty."
6 Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar.
7 With it he touched my mouth and said, "See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for."
8 Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?"
And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

Friday, July 24, 2009

Just for Laughs! #16

You know what to do. Get funny wid it.
This calls for a theological captionalization.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Mega Big Announcement Tomorrow

Circumstances being what they are. (God ordained) I will make the big announcement on Friday, July 24th late in the afternoon. Don't watch for a flyer in your mailbox 'cause it ain't comin'. Just jump back over here around 5 p.m. (that is, after you have jumped around this site a few times already...don't know if you have noticed or not but, I have been posting three or four times a day.) and see the headlines. Thanks everybody. You can return to whatever you were doing now. I won't bother you with another PRE-announcement.

The Journal of Cotton Adams #17

August 30, 1739

After eating venison jerky for six days, it was with great praise that one farmer invited me in his home for a large meal of corn, cabbage and beans well greased with fat bacon. His name was Homer Leeds and after dinner he revealed that he was a poet of sorts. Without seeing even one poem, I promised to give them to the first newspaper editor I meet on my journey. It was the least I could do for a man who had hopes of improving his family financial situation with his literary talent. As I waved goodbye and rode off westward, my curiosity got the best of me, and I started reading his poetry. I am afraid his works may never see print, except here, in my journal. All of his poems were lacking in skill, most written unintelligibly. Here is the only one I could permit a hearing (yet I will keep my word):

Hey Mr. Preacher Man
by Homer Leeds

Day-o, Day-ay-ay-o
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Day, me say day, me say day, me say day
Me say day, me say day-ay-ay-o
Daylight come and me wan' go home

Work all night on a tulip farm
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Planting tulips till the mornin' come
Daylight come and me wan' go home

Hey, Mister preacher man, preach me some election
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Hey, Mister preacher, what's the tulip connection?
Daylight come and me wan' go home

It's one point, two point, three point POEM!
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Song and a prayer and we
all go HOME!

Daylight come and me wan' go home
Day, me say day-ay-ay-o
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Day, me say day, me say day, me say day...
Daylight come and me wan' go home

A sermon on Def-in-ite Atone-ment
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Always brings us a Heaven-ly moment
Daylight come and me wan' go home

It's one point, two point, three point POEM!
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Off-er-ing then we speed on HOME!

Daylight come and me wan' go home
Day, me say day-ay-ay-o
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Day, me say day, me say day, me say day...
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Daylight commmme and me wannnn goooo hooooome.
Sounds more like a song than a poem to me. I am on my way to Possum Trot. Hope to reach it before the storm.

Letter with Theological Question

Dear Eddie,
I am a World War 2 vet who suffers from dementia. I was there when they bombed Pearl Bailey and helped Indiana Jones escape the Nazis. I also served in the Civil War (There was nothing civil about it) under the leadership of Oliver Cromwell. I stood arm in arm with Davy Crockett at the Alamo Bed and Breakfast and hid from Geronimo, during the Viet Nam war in Uncle Tom's Cabin. I fought ten rounds with Sonny Liston. I was wounded at Little Big Horn…or was it Big Little Horn, I can't remember. I have had significant memory loss since I went down with the Titanic two weeks ago. So my question is this: Did we exist before we were conceived?
Your friend in need of cash,
Max Platypus

Dear Max,
Yes. But ONLY in the mind of God.
Jeremiah 1:5 records God as saying, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart…"
Your friend who has no cash to speak of,

Answering a Pig-Headed Arminian

Ever have a Christian brother or sister attack your Calvinistic beliefs? I'm not talking about someone who wants to discuss the Doctrines of Grace in a courteous, cordial manner. I'm talking about someone self-righteously ranting and raving. You know the type - they wear their "Free-Willism" like a clown wears make-up. They have semi-Pelagian ear plugs shaped like Charles Finney and never hesitate to use them. They try to force you into playing their favorite game - "Bible Twisting Hop-Scotch". This they learn from an over abundance of wimpy topical sermons that exalt man and place self-will atop Mount Sovereign.

Well, here is what to do.

Have cards made that have the first part of Matthew 7:6 on the front, "Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine..." As their volume continues to increase (and it will) produce some fake pearls (dollar store brand) from your pocket and gently cast them on the one squealing. At this point, they will stop and in that small window of silence hand them the "Swine card". The very politely invite them to a "pigs-in-a-blanket" luncheon.

It is important that you apologize immediately. Then you might hand them a coupon for 50 cents off a pound of bacon.
btw - the "pig-headed" reference in the title is not meant to offend kind, humble Arminians. Calvinists can be "bull-headed" sometimes. And Cal-minians are known for their "wooden-heads". So, go gently through that good night...and don't get too "heady" with your knowledge.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Links Within

For all who know this already...just wait outside while I make this announcement. I don't assume anything with anyone anymore. (I have been slowly learning this blogging thing since November of last year. I should know more, but I don't always care.)

You can click on the words and phrases below and it will give you all the series or similar postings the key word registers. For the Tulip and Grenade cartoons, click on "grenade", for The Journal of Cotton Adams, click on "cotton adams", etc.

Go ahead, try it. When I get time, I will try and improve on these. Thanks for listening.
The staff of Calvinistic Cartoons (which consists of one)

This photo has nothing to do with anything, really...
it's just interesting, thas all.
...and now, after testing it myself, I realize that THIS post will be in every one of the words and phrases I used below. I am a doofus.
Let me mention while I am at it, that the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT will be posted here next week. Lord willing. Stay tuned and please drive carefully.

The Journal of Cotton Adams #16

August 22, 1739

I have been in the town of Spittlefield for six extremely cold days. The people here are eager to start a church. A gentleman, by the name of Ludloe Harkins, came to my place of residence and offered me a piece of land. He said he was well aware of the need for a church in these parts.
On Monday, an article was drawn wherein he agreed to put give me full ownership of his plot of land, upon payment of two hundred dollars.
"This piece of land I offer is more than sufficient to build a small church!" He said loudly with twitching face.
I signed the contract and Mr. Harkins handed me a wooden box with carvings depicting events from the Book of Judges.
When I opened the box, I discovered inside a square foot of earth, not unlike a slice of birthday cake.
"What is this?" I asked.
"It is the piece of land you just purchased, sir." he whispered, twitching all the more.
"But, sir, you said I would be able to build a church on this ground!"
"Indeed, but I said a SMALL church!"
On my word, next time I shall inquire as to yardage in breadth and in length.
He then ran out the door, slamming it behind him. I heard a loud crack of thunder and upon investigation found only his smoking shoes, less than six feet from the entrance.
We buried his shoes in a used shoe box today in the Spittlefield Cemetery.
My sermon was "Truth or Consequences - The Ananias and Sapphira Story."

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Just for Laughs! #15

We live in a mixed up world.
You can mix it up even more with
a great caption for this photo.

Jonah Crabby Prophet

There is a crab named the Jonah Crab. Like the Biblical prophet, the rock-hard crab is hardened to all external influences and must be forced to "obey". Here is a little poem about the prophet...not the crab.

Jonah - The Hardshell Prophet
By Eddie Eddings

God said "Go!"
Jonah said "NO!"
It was westward ho for angry Joe.
God made a storm blow
So the sailors would throw
Ol' so and so in the H20
Po' Joe sinko below
His ego swallowed by a giant minnow!

After three days...vomited on the beach
The gastric acid gave his skin the bleach
Uncle "Whitey" learns a lesson and is ready to preach!

"In 40 days - and God is prompt
This wicked city will get stomped!"
Then the pouting prophet with much agitation
Sat outside the city among the vegetation.

His expectation
Of a manifestation
Of Divine condemnation
On this Assyrian population came and went.
Jonah resented
When God relented
After the Ninevites repented

He wanted God to be cross!
He wanted to see blood!
He wanted God to nail them now!

...if he only trusted God for the
When and where
He might have understood the
Who and the how!

The Journal of Cotton Adams #15

August 11, 1739

One who had adorned the Gospel in life and in death, the deacon Vernon Smeengy, having desired that I should preach his funeral sermon, had instructions waiting by the way of a sealed letter. I went with a few friends to the house, which was filled with well nigh two hundred or more, and sang the song he had requested. As his body lie in peaceful repose, the church band, which consisted of fife, drum and upright bass started to play. They were there to accompany me as I sang this upbeat, finger-snapping, foot-stomping number. He desired to see it published and had me promise to record them for all to see. A man of my word, here are the words to his death song:

This old house once knew my children
This old house once knew my wife
This old house was home and shelter as we fought the storms of life
This old house once rang with laughter
This old house heard many shouts
Now she trembles in the darkness when the lightnin' walks about

Ain't gonna need this house no longer
Ain't gonna need this house no more
Ain't got time to fix the shingles
Ain't got time to fix the floor
Ain't got time to oil the hinges
Nor to mend the window pane
Ain't gonna need this house no longer
I'm getting ready to meet the saints

This old house is getting shaky
This old house is getting old
This old house lets in the rain and
This old house lets in the cold
On my knees I'm getting chilly
But I feel no fear or pain
'Cause I see an angel peeking through
A broken window pane

Ain't gonna need this house no longer
Ain't gonna need this house no more
Ain't got time to fix the shingles
Ain't got time to fix the floor
Ain't got time to oil the hinges
Nor to mend the window pane
Ain't gonna need this house no longer
I'm getting ready to meet the saints

Now my old hound dog lies asleeping
He don't know I'm gonna leave
Else he'd wake up by the fireplace
And he'd sit there, howl and grieve
But my hunting days are over
I ain't gonna hunt the 'coon no more
Gabriel done brought in chariot
When the wind blew down the door

Ain't gonna need this house no longer
Ain't gonna need this house no more
Ain't got time to fix the shingles
Ain't got time to fix the floor
Ain't got time to oil the hinges
Nor to mend the window pane
Ain't gonna need this house no longer
I'm getting ready to meet the saints

At the close of my sermon I asked, "If there be anyone here who knows any reason why this man should not be buried today, let them speak now or forever hold their peace."
We buried him, as per his request, in a casket shaped like the Ark of the Covenant.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Letter from Angry Atheist

Dear Stupid Eddie Van Calvinist,
I came across your site today and almost threw up my stewed tomatoes and pralines. I remember you from high school in Houston, Texas! I've always hated you! I'll dance on your grave!
Mojo Thomas

Dear Mojo,
In that case I'll be buried at sea.

Strange Facts about Christian Leaders

1. Charles Haddon Spurgeon, the Prince of Preachers, lived on nothing but milk for the first few months of his life!

2. Although most of his works printed in America seem to prove otherwise, John Calvin wrote his books, not only by hand, but in the French language!

3. George Whitefield never visited the North Pole.

4. Jonathan Edwards never said the word "Kremlin" in mixed company.

5. Charles Finney had two heads! Yes, that's right! He kept the ugly one under his coat!

6. Neither Augustine or Charles Hodge used steroids!

7. J. I. Packer has never actually walked on the moon!

8. A.W. Pink kept a day by day account of his life that he never told anyone about and has never been found!

9. D. L. Moody, caught up in his fervent evangelistic zeal, was often seen talking to vegetarians.

10. Martin Luther, once on a garlic diet, lost ten pounds and eleven friends during his "Table Talk" sessions.

Arminian Anatomy Lesson #37

The "Finney" Bone
Not "Humerus" at all

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Bluegrass Calvinism

This here song is to be sung to the tune of
"I Am a Man of Constant Sorrow".
Now let's git with it!

(Lyrics by Eddie Eddings)

I believe in Limited Atonement
God chose His sheep from eternity.
I bid farewell to Arminian theories
They're just not right hermeneutical keys.

(They're just not right hermeneutical keys.)

For six long years I've taught that free will
Was what we all had every day.
Now I know that wills are taken captive
We can't escape - there's just no way.

[chorus] Outside of Christ - there ain't no way.

God's sovereign choice and His rich mercy
Brought me from death's captivity.
I would not choose to follow Jesus
I was too busy following me.

[chorus] He was entombed in his psyche.

Maybe your friends think I'm just a stranger
My face you'll never see no more.
But there is one promise that is given
The Elect will meet on God's golden shore.

[chorus] The Elect will meet on God's golden shore.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Just for Laughs! #14

This might fuel a few ideas.
If so, please take time to share them with us.
Most of us are pretty serious about our daily dose of laughter.

The Journal of Cotton Adams #14

July 15, 1739

In the early morn I rode my trusted steed, Calico, into a small town known as "Broken Bridge" or so I thought. When I crossed the small, rickety bridge over the Phlegm River, Calico and I fell through the rotten planks and into the cold water below. About half way down, in mid-air, I realized that the sign, "Broken Bridge", was a warning and not the town's name.

Shaken, but unharmed, I mounted my horse on the bank of the river and rode into the town of "Gnulife". Because of my firm belief that all of life is an illustration of the Gospel, and upon meditating on the frightful incident that had just occurred, I had three sermon ideas.

I began making notes on "Heeding the Signs", "Misinterpreting God's Warnings" and "Baptism - Symbol of Death, Burial and Resurrection into New Life".

Assembly Required

This is not a Photoshopped building. It is the real thing. State Architect Guðjón Samúelsson's design of this church building was commissioned in 1937. It took 38 years to build the church. Construction work began in 1945 and ended in 1986, the landmark tower being completed long before the church's actual completion. The crypt beneath the choir was consecrated in 1948, the steeple and wings were completed in 1974. The nave was consecrated in 1986. It is situated in the center of Reykjavík, Iceland, and is visible throughout the city. It has become one of city's best known landmarks.
The Great Architect, the One who builds His Church with living stones,
is completely unimpressed with what man can do.
The one true Church will always be the Elect of God…
and always remember, some assembly is required.

Another view of the same church building.

(click on the first photo to "magnify the building")

Thursday, July 16, 2009

The Truth about Robert H. Schuller

Our crack team of Calvinistic Cartoons Investigators (CCI) have uncovered the truth about Robert H. Schuller.
If this information were not true and documented we would not be sharing this with our viewers.

The following is what was discovered:

Robert Harold Schuller was never ordained, never wrote a book, never went to seminary and never started a church he called, "The Crystal Cathedral".
He has never had an "Hour of Power" TV show or worn a silly looking robe!
In fact, his parents never named him Robert - neither was his last name Schuller.
He has never even been to the United States, much less, California.
His real name is Jakobshavn Haagenborgen and he has lived in Norway for the last forty seven years!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Just for Laughs! #13

I'm a pickin', and I'm a grinnin'.
Let's help these dear old-timers out with a caption or a song.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Just for Laughs! #12

Who are these people? I need help identifying them because heresies and cults always seem to dress up so nice. Do the research and post the results. I am hoping this isn't "The Not Ready for End Times Players" cult. The followers of that cult all pile into a tiny red car and travel around the country throwing yogurt covered Scripture pretzels at innocent bystanders. O how they sugarcoat and twist the Scriptures.

Proverbs & Parables

Here is another comic book I was included in. This was done by various artists who each took a proverb or parable and illustrated it. You'll have to find it on Amazon or at a used book store. In fact, you can find ME on Amazon or at a used book store. I will be in the "Religion" section.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Where Have All the Comments Gone?

Where Have All the Comments Gone
is sung to the tune of Where Have All the Flowers Gone
words by Eddie Eddings music by Pete Seeger
performed by The Four Calvinists plus One
recorded in the basement of the First Church of the Third Degree

Where have all the comments gone?
Long time posting
Where have all the comments gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the comments gone?
Maybe now they'll comment some
When will they ever write
On this dysfunc-tional site?

Where have all the bloggers gone?
Long time posting
Where have all the bloggers gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the bloggers gone?
They're visiting relatives every one
Do you think someone will write
Before the clock hands strike mid-night?

Just for Laughs! #11

Okay, maybe the last photo wasn't really crying out for a caption...but, THIS one is! Please help the royal readership to produce sounds like an albino hyena being tickled by a motherly will bring happiness to the eighteen who read this blog.
I thank thee.

What's the Diff?

Dear Eddie,

I have a problem remembering what the difference is between infralapsarianism and superlapsarianism. Could you help with some memory trick. That way you could do the work and I could benefit from your labor.

Franklin D. Hackensack

Dear Frank,
The difference between infralapsarianism and superlapsarianism is that superlapsarianism has a cape.
All seriousness aside, you have made a two very common mistakes.

1. It's not SUPERlapsarianism , but SUPRAlapsarianism ...and

2. You assumed I would answer your question. (maybe some reader can dumb it down for the both of us)

Your welcome,

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Just for Laughs! #10

You have to admit, this photo is crying out for a good caption. It can be about Calvinism, Arminianism, Cults or Crazies. Don't leave everyone wondering. Your joke might trigger another. I'll be waiting over here by the bananas.

Friday, July 10, 2009

All Calvinists Invited

I want to be the first to announce the Calvin 600 which will be an even bigger birthday bash than the 500. It will take place in Denver, Colorado (sort of a midway point) at the Denver Convention Center. The admission is FREE! ...and there will be FREE FOOD, FREE TEA, and best of all, FREE BOOKS! Everyone who attends will receive a full-color hologram of John Calvin just like the one pictured above. (click on the photo for a more detailed view) Mark it on your calendars! July 9th, 2109. See ya there!

Christian Comic

Here is the cover of a Christian comic book I worked on many moons ago. It was the brain-child of Nate Butler who worked on Archie comics for years. I was honored to ink Dick Ayers pencils on "The Sons of Isaiah Glory". He was best known for his inks on Jack Kirby's work at Marvel and for his pencils on Sgt. Fury and His Howling Commandos." ...just thought you might find it of interest. No penguins were harmed in the printing of this full-color comic.

...and be sure to click on the comic to get an enlarged view.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Just for Laughs! #9

You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension - a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You've just crossed over into the Just for Laughs Section of Calvinistic Cartoons.

Travel to the distant past in your mind and supply the situation painted above with something so brilliant that rays of light will eminate from your monitor...or just supply something kinda funny.

2 Events Causing Some Calvinists Alarm

Two events have attempted to take the focus off of today's 500th birthday bash for John Calvin:

1. O.J. Simpson's birthday falls on the same day as JC's and
2. What will be known in the annals of history as "The Penguin Bazooka Rampage".

It seems a colony of penguins from Antarctica have been seeking out Open Theists and blowing them away. Police have arrested ninety seven but several have been in hiding since last night. A note was found by the police by an abandoned bazooka, but no one can understand the scribblings.
"Even though Open Theists are heretical in their theology, we cannot condone the actions of these renegade penguins!" said Pastor/teacher/movie reviewer Joe Bob Calvin, a Texan who claims to be a descendant of the famous reformer. (Happy Birthday old friend)

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Just for Laughs! #8

No trees were destroyed in the posting of this photograph.
A great number of electrons, however, were terribly inconvenienced.
To make everything right, you must supply
a theologically funny caption for the picture above.

Not The Odyssey But "Theodicy"

Here is a poem, of sorts, that I handed in years ago, for extra credit in my Minor Prophets class:

Not the Odyssey but "Theodicy"
by Eddie Eddings

Habakkuk the Embracer
Clung to God with his two questions:
Had God vacated His throne?
Should I order my tombstone?
All this violence and contention
Within Judah I might mention.
It seems that justice and devotion
Took a trip across the ocean!

God answers, Judah will be punished
Observe and wonder, be astonished
For I am raising up Chaldeans
Big, bad, ugly human be-uns.

So get this vision little Hab
You can put it on my tab
Sin always carries a heavy price.
I'll crush Babylon like a bag of ice.

Woe, Woe, Woe your boat
Gently down the stream
Return to me with all your heart
I've promised to redeem.

So live by faith and you will see
I've never been an absentee;
The Chaldeans were never fancy-free
I used them like an employee.
They're not getting out of this scot-free
When I "cross my heart" it's a guarantee
So you can have a Jubilee!

P.S. someday I will visit Galilee
My Son will hang upon a tree
That's when you'll really be set free!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Little Known Quotes from the Friends of Spiritual Giants #1

"But, Charles, if you preach a series on Jack the Ripper, you will, no doubt, double the size of the congregation!"- Deacon Dow Duncan to C.H. Spurgeon

"John, lighten up a little! Temptation happens!" - Matthew Podman to John Owen

"Okay, let's just attempt some spontaneity!"- Morgan Wick to John Calvin

"Did you see the latest episode of I Love Lucy? Why don't you send Desi your idea you told me about? You know, the one where Lucy goes through the wardrobe." - Fernwallow Tibbits to C. S. Lewis

"Who do you think would win in an arm wrestling contest…you or John MacArthur?"- Vernon Schmaltz to R. C. Sproul

"How about a bumper sticker that says 'Think Pink'? - Travis K. Larson to A. W. Pink

"I hate to tell you this pal, but, the top of your head is red as a beet!"- Crispin Bonvolio to Martin Luther

"We just thought you might like to play a little basketball after the sermon today!"- Herpondo McGeeky to Jonathan Edwards

"I promise you, one whack with this board upside your head and your eyes will straighten out!" - Thomas J. Mooshin to George Whitefield

Just for Laughs! #7

"A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold
in pictures of silver."
Proverbs 25:11

I can't afford any pictures of silver or apples of gold,
but if you would provide a word or two fitly spoken
(or in this case written) for the above photo,
I will promise never to send you a dead armadillo.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Just for Laughs! #6

Here is a classic depiction of a classic moment
in classic Calvinistic history.
Create a classic caption then go drink a classic Coke.
...or a Diet (of Worms) Coke.

The King of Pop Rocks Passes

First we had the "King of Rock", Elvis, die back in 1977. Then, a few days ago the "King of Pop" passes away, and now Shelby Boysenberry, a Calvinist sewing machine repairman and self-proclaimed "King of Pop Rocks" dies of internal combustion. He was 63 years old and ate only Pop Rocks for the last twenty two years.
His autobiography was written six years ago, but because of his confusion, he wasn't even in it. The autobiography was the story of a car.
Shelby became a Calvinist after listening to R. C. Sproul speak at a Dairy Queen in Manitou Springs.
Mr. Boysenberry recorded an album of Pop Rock tunes but, the audio was too irritating to listen to since he refused to stop eating Pop Rocks as he sang.
He will be buried today at Moonchaka Pines Seminary.
R. C. Sproul will not be attending his funeral since he really didn't know him.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Elvis Christian Album Never Produced

Recently discovered in an empty pickle jar at Graceland's basement were a number of songs Elvis rewrote.
"He had intended to record another Christian album before he died", said Bebe Swanliver, a guide at the Graceland estate.
"We think this would have stopped his backsliding", Pastor Joe Bob Penman said as he wept and drank an entire two liter bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red.

Here is the list of songs he wanted on his Christian album entitled,
"No More Hellvis, Just Call Me Elvis":

You Ain't Nothin' But a Lost Dude

It's Now or Never, Heaven Can't Wait

Return You Sinner

Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On (written specifically for the Shakers)

All Shook Up (written specifically for the Quakers)

I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas (for coal miners)

In The Bible (and his momma cried)

That's When Your Dispensation Begins

Woncha Wear That Cross Around Your Neck

Amazing Grace (sung to the tune of Gilligan's Island theme song)

The Journal of Cotton Adams #13

July 2, 1739

Just rode into Skintag, Kentucky where I breakfasted with the senior minister, Mr. Loogy Raman, a pious and friendly man. At six in the evening I began preaching in the church and with uncommon liberty of spirit. My sermon was to a church filled with Calvinists and entitled, "We Calvinists".
My first point of the message was, "We Calvinists should be better witnesses" and from there I expounded on spreading, not only the Gospel, but the whole counsel of God.
After ten minutes, I went to my next point which was, "We Calvinists should be better worshippers", since we are more in a frame of mind to be humble at the Grace God richly bestowed.
I followed that with, "We Calvinists should be better servants", when a tiny man in a kilt and a set of bagpipes wrapped around his torso stood up and yelled,
"Yew dinnae huv to single us out laddie! Be ye wee or be ye leviathan…it's still th' responsibility of us ALL!"
And with that, he started playing his bagpipes as he walked out the church and into the dark forest.
I learned two things that day.
One, to chose my words carefully so as not to be misunderstood by anyone.
And two, bagpipes act as a protection. It scares any and every animal away so that one is able to safely arrive home.
I think it may work on wicked highwaymen as well.

A Letter from Richard Dawkins-Skeptic

Hi Eddie,

First, let me point out that I have a hyphenated name. "Dawkins-Skeptic", after my mother who married Ludloe T. Skeptic thirty some-odd years ago. (Fact is, every other year was odd, being numbered and all). I am not the infamous atheist. I work at Burger King.
Second, we met once in Wal-Mart in the light bulb section and you gave me your blog card.
Anyway, I am unabashedly, a fan of yours, and I, for one, and "Tea for Two", would like to know if you eat some kind of brain-food to help with your humor. If so, please let me know so I can avoid eating it.
A full-time 5-Pointer,
Richard Dawkins-Skeptic

Dear Richard,

How generous of you to admit that you are "unabashedly a fan."
The next time I run into you it will be my pleasure to give you a good bashing, once and for all.
I am a long-time dependent on unnatural foods, I naturally attribute to them my unnatural strength, unnaturally magnetic appeal and unnatural sense of humor.
I find it amusing that God predestined me to be an theist-turned atheist-turned agnostic-turned Christian/Arminian-turned Christian/Calvinist. Being a Calvinist, I actually have more freedom to enjoy the life God has granted me and humor is a big part of my being.
Thanks for writing.


Just for Laughs! #5

Please remember to floss before writing captions or comments.
The funniest caption will get the most laughs.
And you, yes you who have never written,
go ahead and submit a line a two...
it's easy and it's fat free!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Just for Laughs! #4

If you stare at this photo for one hour then look at a white piece of paper you will see this image in a negative! But, no laughs.
If you provide a caption to go with it you will be sharing a laugh with people you have never met!
In Heaven, maybe they will recognize your name and thank you for bringing healing into their lives in a time when everything seemed to be crashing around them. Probably, not though. But, still, you are helping the body to release a large amount of endorphins...and that's good for the body as well as the soul!
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