Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Little Known Quotes from the Wives of Spiritual Giants #1

"I don't like the way Selma Haversham is always asking you for advice!"- Mrs. C. H. Spurgeon

"Please put down your quill and come to bed!"- Mrs. John Owen

"I think I'm the luckiest woman on earth...wait a minute...sorry...the most providentially blessed!"- Mrs. John Calvin

"Honey, will you help me with my necklace?."- Mrs. Albert Mohler

"I need you to pick up some bread and a chuck roast on your way home." - Mrs. A. A. Hodge

"Look what the dog brought in!"- Mrs. B. B. Warfield

"Are you planning on writing a childrens book this year or not?" - Mrs. C. S. Lewis

"Please, please, please take me to Paris, France this spring!" - Mrs. Thomas Boston

"Why not dress up like Columbo again? It was the hit of the party last year."- Mrs. R. C. Sproul

"I think I am coming down with a cold!"- Mrs. A. W. Pink

"You better not write on my table again when you have your Table-talk!"- Mrs. Martin Luther

"That last sermon was a little scary!"- Mrs. Jonathan Edwards

"Yeah, a LOT has happened since you were gone!" - Mrs. George Whitefield

"No, I haven't read your latest book yet. I haven't finished the last one!"- Mrs. John MacArthur

Monday, March 30, 2009

Jawbones of the Error (Era)

This analogy isn't perfect, but it's powerful. It is "dead"-icated to all who "man"-ipulate Scripture to fit their own humanistic variety. It is also for those who preach a man-centered gospel and are no longer teachable, or to anyone whose favorite "soul-dance" is "Scripture twisting"...to all the spiritually blind leaders who teach the "I-did-it-my-way" hermeneutic. (too bad they're not spiritually mute as well) and to the pompous baboons who are militantly anti-Christ to the core. Does that sound a little rough? Well...if the dancing shoe fits...

A Shout Out to a New Blog

This is just a shout out to a new blogger. I am his first follower and hope his hard work reaps many benefits and blessings! Check it out when you get the time:

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Astounding News #1

For the next few days I will post some early entries from my other blog, "Facets of Grace". This was a project of mine a few years back. Since I am still in Colorado and unable to Photoshop anything (and my mind and time both have their limitations visiting my family and using their computer), I am still writing down my ideas and will have plenty of new material when I return home later next week. Thanks for your prayers (someone out there is praying for me...I hope) (I need the prayers and you need the practice) and thanks for your support and friendship!

Friday, March 27, 2009

Coffee House #3

The concept is a simple one. I take my recorder into a coffee house somewhere on the planet and secretly tape conversations. Then I decide which is the most interesting and edit it to fit by blog. These are candid moments from the mouths of unsuspecting strangers all over the globe. This is my third attempt and I traveled to Lottida, Kansas. The coffee house is called "The Coffee Spot". I will again be very careful to refer to each person generically to maintain their anonymity.

M1: Doyle! Doyle Rankins! Thanks for coming, brother. I've already ordered us both a cup of coffee.

M2: Thanks Pete! Haven't seen you in a year or so.

M1: Yeah...been kind of busy. That's one reason for our little get together. I'm starting a "celebrity only" ministry, and I'm hoping you will help support my "mission to the stars!" Just think how fantastic it would be if Angela Jolie accepted Christ! Why, thousands would consider following in her footsteps!...or Hugh Jackman...or Adam Sandler! His testimony would make headlines all over the media! He could reach millions with his own brand of witty witness!

M2: Do you really think God wants you to step over everyone else just to reach celebrities with the Gospel?

M1: Sure! Why not? Start at the top!

M2: That would make you sort of a "paparazzi preacher" wouldn't it?

M1: Yeah, never thought of it that way...but, I'd be tracking stars for Jesus! I like that! Thanks..."Pete Palombi, Paparazzi Preacher"...that has a nice ring to it!

M2: I don't think that is a Biblical way to approach evangelism...

M1: Well, I've already got six churches backing me on the idea! I've got my ticket to Hollywood, a new set of luggage and a backpack full of Chick tracts. My map of the stars homes is also my prayer list.

M2: Well, I can't give money to support something as idiotic as this!

M1: I'm giving to anyone who donates ten dollars or more, a picture of Gary Busey reading his Bible while hanging from the "W" on the Hollywood sign!

M2: Well...okay...I guess I can afford ten bucks. How much to get him to autograph it?

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Win Horsehead Nebula!

This is the Horsehead Nebula
in the Orion Constellation
...and it can be yours today!

Yes, now you can be the first in your neighborhood to own your own nebula!

All you have to do is answer this question:
Does Deuteronomy have one "r" or two?

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Baklava Koos Koos #9

As I approached the water well in the middle of the town of Basmati, an old friend came running up to me with a look of fear in his eyes. His name was Hahmina-Hahmina Ben-Loafen. We attended the School of Prophets together when we were young.
"Please, Baklava, interpret my dream! I do not understand what it means!"
"Calm down, my friend, and tell me what you have seen in your sleep," I said as earnest as I could manage.
"I was standing by the Falafel River, and behold, there came up out of the Falafel River, five cows attractive and plump, and they fed in the reed grass. And behold, five other cows, ugly and thin, came up out of the Falafel River after them, and stood by the other cows on the bank of the Falafel. And the ugly, thin cows ate up the seven attractive, plump cows. Then I awoke in a cold sweat. Please tell me, what does this mean?"
I paused for a moment to take in this strange revelation my friend had been given.
"There is only one thing this could mean . . . your cattle will become cannibalistic by tomorrow if we don't kill them and eat them tonight!"
I know the towns people were happy as we sat around that evening enjoying the steaks and ribs my old friend had provided...and, that night, Hahmina-Hahmina slept like a baby.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Interview with Pug Dagitt - Emergent Church Leader

The Calvinistic Cartoon Blog Interview

1. Pug, What gives with the new look...why all the tattoos and piercings?

Pug: "I want to be all things to all men. This is my way of crossing all bridges at once in an attempt to win all. My tattoos have illustrated bits of conversations from many different "religious" leaders such as Ghandi, Morpheus, Johnny Appleseed...and, oh yeah, Jesus. My piercings witness to the fact that man suffers from low self-esteem and "Holy" dogma.

2. What is your method of preaching?

Pug: "I like to call it "Starbucks skyscraper sermons", let me explain...Imagine if Starbucks had an 86 floor skyscraper in Montego Bay. Now imagine U2's "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" being played by a sitar in the background. You get on the elevator with a candle and a copy of my latest book, "Why I Greet Men", ("greet men" is "emergent" spelled sideways)...anyway, if you have followed me so far, you know that a skyscaper is just one story stacked upon many other stories.
That's the way I roll.

3. Who are the biggest influences in your life as a leader?

Pug: "Jonah, of course, then there is Jose Feliciano, Alexander the Great, Barry Gibb, James Dean, and SpongeBob Squarepants.

4. What books have changed your life?

Pug: "Not sure I would say any books have changed my life. I have never thought about books in that light. It kind of sounds like the question from Junior High School, "what is your favorite song". (which is "Mama Told Me Not to Come" by the way) But maybe books have changed my life, there are so many that I recommend and love reading, I will give some time thinking of books in that way and see what comes to mind...wait a minute...I would like to mention "Doc Savage Man of Bronze in The Land of Terror" as one that made a impact on me at an early age."

5. What's your biggest challenge as a leader?

Pug: "TV Guide Crossword Puzzles. I can never complete one no matter how hard I try. Most of my sermon material comes from those that are published in the New York Times."

6. What goals do you have as a leader?

Pug: "My goals are simple. Try to maintain my sanity. In fact, I have a 'sanity clause' in my verbal contract here at Solomon's Balcony. You may not believe in a sanity clause but, try and tell that to all the children here around Christmas."

7. Where do you see yourself in ten years?

Pug: "I hope to have my own movie company and a TV show, a situation comedy for sure. I have already written the pilot. It will be called, "Harry Tick and the Hinder-sons".
8. One last question. What does the WWJD on the back of your head stand for?

Pug: "What Would Jonah Do."

Thanks Pug for taking time for an interesting interview.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Win Something Leather Bound!

Answer this simple question:

Which is more recent - the Old Testament or the New Testament?

That's all there is to it! Answer it and you win a cow!
A cow to keep as long as you like!

My Father owns the cattle on a thousand hills! That is just a poetic way of saying He owns 'em all! So if you answer this question correctly you can just go pick out any cow you like! Only one per family. If anyone questions you, just say, "This cow belongs to the Father of Lights and it has been bequeathed to me." Then if protest persists, just hand the person confronting you $10,000 in cash. That will shut him up!

Lyrical Miracle's Open Mic Night

Here is your chance to show us your talent! YOU choose the song and change the lyrics so it has some theological message for everyone who visits Calvinistic Cartoons. Please choose a song that everyone probably knows, not some obscure number from Burma that was written in 1924. Chic & Gumbo will chose the best (in their opinion) and create a display (as in the past winners) complete with appropriate illustration/photo and the song-"righter" will receive full credit! I will post the best the first week of April. Take a crack at satirizing open theists, emergent voices, cults, heresies, or stating some great truths of the Reformation! It's open mic night...let's hear whatcha got!

Friday, March 20, 2009

Eddie Eddings Receives Plaque from Mohler

As a student in dentistry, I am usually down in the mouth...but, recently, I needed some plaque samples from individuals who live across the Atlantic. Mr. Jeppy T. Mohler, of Hootenshire, England, was kind enough to FedEx some of the deposits from his teeth where bacteria had proliferated...after running certain tests...I can say Mohler's molars are in top condition! Congratulations Jeppy T. and keep on flossing!

Nailed it

What If?

What if God had not intervened in John MacArthur's life? There is no doubt he would have become JMac the Bible Rapper. He got Book. He got style. He got the boom box on a free trial.
Can anyone out there think of a good rap for Mr. Mac?

John...ya know I loves ya guy! You have blessed my socks off many a time!
I am thankful, as you are, that God gotcha.
Peace out my brutha!

My thanks to Sir Brass for inadvertently giving me this idea!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Little Known Quotes from Spiritual Giants Part 6

"Hmmmm, I smell oatmeal cookies!"- C. H. Spurgeon

"I'm thinking about selling sausage on the side!"- John Owen

"I not only speak French, I write it as well!"- John Calvin

"Can I borrow a couple of bucks?."- Cornelius Van Til

"No...it doesn't stand for Alcoholics Annonymous!"- A. A. Hodge

"I'm just really glad I didn't hear 'pick up and dig' because I was sitting by a shovel."- Augustine

"Honey! I'm home!"- B. B. Warfield

"Yes, I plan on writing some scripts for Gunsmoke. Why?" - C. S. Lewis

"Keep me in your prayers, I'm going to take up fencing." - Thomas Boston

"I just got an offer from NASA to do some space walking and talking."- R. C. Sproul

"That is the biggest scorpion I have ever seen in my life!"- William Carey

"I keep getting mail from readers that say they are 'tickled A.W. Pink' about my new book!"- A. W. Pink

"Kate, please make me a double decker ham sandwich!"- Martin Luther

"I don't know how to limbo."- Jonathan Edwards

"Here's looking at you!" - George Whitefield

"Hey!? What's this about R.C. going into space?"- John MacArthur

Expanded Ministry

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

$5 per Comment

Yes ladies and gentlemen, you heard it right! I will give FIVE DOLLARS FOR EACH COMMENT made on this blog. Find a recent posting or comment on an older one, I really don't care! I need comments and I am willing to pay for them if I have to . . . wait a second, forget what I just said. I need the cash myself! I don't know what I was thinking . . . forgive me, everybody. Y'know what? "Just commenting is a reward unto itself!" (That is from Second Opinions 4:12)

Neo vs Meo

Lyrical Miracles Chosen One #7

Lyrical Miracles Chosen One #6

Monday, March 16, 2009

Family History

Fan Photo from Mahoohoo Williams

This photo was sent to me yesterday by my friend in Kenya, Mahoohoo Williams. I had never noticed the Matrix background until he pointed it out to me. Obviously, someone on the production staff must have been a Calvinist! This picture of T&G (Tulip & Grenade) was found in an Arminian magazine entitled, "It's My Choice Monthly".

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Pilgrim's Progress 3

Few know of this intended trilogy.
The unfinished manuscript was recently discovered and
completed by Ignatius, a youth leader now in hiding.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

A Science Moment

The coconut crab, Birgus latro, is the largest land-living arthropod in the world and is probably at the limit of how big terrestrial animals with exoskeletons can get under the prevailing conditions. Their body is divided into four regions; the cephalic lobe, forepart, trunk, and opisthosoma. It is a highly apomorphic hermit crab and is known for its ability to crack coconuts with its strong pincers in order to eat the contents. It is the only species of the genus Birgus.

It is also called the robber crab or palm thief, because some coconut crabs are rumored to steal shiny items such as pots and silverware from houses and tents. There is one report from a fan of Calvinistic Cartoons, Bebo Stanks, who claims a coconut crab robbed him at gunpoint and stole his Honda Civic.


Friday, March 13, 2009

Lyrical Miracle Contest #6

In this contest you need to come up with words to match the tune,
"Yellow Submarine" by the Beatles.
If you don't know the tune, I'm sure William Shatner
or Bishop Fulton Sheen recorded it at sometime...
The chosen one will be announced on Thursday, March 19th.
So put on your theological hats and start writing!
In case of a tie, the winner will be chosen by rock, paper, scissors.

Soda Scriptura

Caption Contest Winner #11

Join Now!

EVERY ONE WHO JOINS THIS BLOG in the months of March through May will receive their permanently posted personal avatar carefully placed in the "right" section of this blog, under "People Who Like This Site" in the "Followers" block! FREE OF CHARGE! THAT'S RIGHT! ABSOLUTELY FREE!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Funny Film

You have got to see this hilarious film! I could just post a link...but, I figure if you "work" for it, you will enjoy it more since you put some effort into it. On the right column, under My Blog List, you will find Christian Research Net. Now click on that and find, Ignatius: The New Breed of Youth Pastor! Then click on that and watch 10 minutes of great satire. (I have watched it three times already)
I intend on posting that on my Facebook tonight when I get out of these coal mines I work in.
Hey! Don't forget to come back to my blog when you're finished!

A New Enterprise


You can win the very core of the sun
by just answering this simple question:

Three deacons go to stay at the Terry Vines Motel located near the Puerto Rican Deacon Beacon Bible conference, and the man at the desk charges them $30.00 for a room.
They split the cost ten dollars each. Later the manager, Futon Williams, tells the desk man that he overcharged the men, that the actual cost should have been $25.00.
The manager gives the bellboy $5.00 and tells him to give it to the men.
The bellboy, however, decides to cheat the men and pockets $2.00, giving each of the men only one dollar.
Now each man has paid $9.00 to stay in the room and 3 x $9.00 = $27.00.
The bellboy has pocketed $2.00. $27.00 + $2.00 = $29.00
So where is the missing dollar?

Monday, March 9, 2009

A Church on the Move

Create a Calvinistic Cartoon Caption #11

Congratulations Aaron for caaron enough to participate!
You B D Winner!

In this contest you can add a word balloon
(keep it really short) if you need to and a caption below.
The winner will be announced on Friday, March 13th.
Hint: print this out and carry it with you wherever you go. You might want to invent a contraption that will keep the picture in front of your face while your hands are free to write down ideas. Just don't do what Ibby Loman, of MacMooble, Nevada did and paste it on the windshield of your automobile obstructing the view of the highway.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Friday, March 6, 2009

Grand Sweepstakes

Imagine yourself at the wheel of this luxurious Solar Sailor Passenger Boat!

This amazing boat is powered by wind and solar energy.

Its movable wing-like solar panels act as sails. It is hybrid, meaning it can run on wind, sun, battery, diesel or any combination of them.

Now imagine setting sail for such exotic ports as the Caribbean, the French Riviera and the South Sea Islands!
All YOU have to do is give us the
very last word in the Bible!

If you're our WINNER, you'll be able to imagine ALL THIS AND MORE every time you look at your prize -- a full color 72 dpi photograph (downloadable to your desktop) of this luxurious solar powered miracle machine!

Good providence to every single one of you…
and also to those who are married.


Random Word Writing Contest #5

Write a paragraph or two using the following random words:

painting, cartwheel, meteor, aspirin

Entries may be poetry, prose, fiction, essays or interviews.
(or any other form of creatively written expression.)
Just be funny, clever and theological...
and give your piece a TITLE.
The winner will be announced on
March 10th
and will be awarded a
Calvinistic Cartoons Excellence in Random Word Writing Award.
Hang it on your wall or use it as a sun screen in your car!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

First Spat

Baklava Koos Koos #8

I awoke to the sound of cattle lowing. Yawning like a lion, I stretched my arms upwards and outwards. Looking over the meadow, as the sun was peeking from it's dark cover, I saw a man chopping up the fallow ground with a hoe in the distance. Not knowing who this stranger was, I started walking toward him.

"Shalom, my friend!" I yelled, "Are you a laborer hired by my cousin, Farfel? He owns this section of land you know."

I was not more than twenty feet of this tall fellow when I noticed tulips sprouting up at an unbelievable pace. By the time I was near him, an entire garden of tulips, tomatoes and turnips had grown up and fully ripened.
It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed.

"Sir, who are you? What kind of man does these things?"
My eyes must have revealed my astonishment.
"Baklava Koos Koos, I am not now nor have ever been a man…and this garden is for you."
Then I realized the truth as I sat down and began eating a juicy red tomato.

Yes, I knew then that this was my Gardening Angel.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

A Letter to Non-Calvinists

Dear Arminian friends,
Please don't take offense at the humor on this blog. If you are Christian, you are my brothers and/or sisters and we should be able to share a laugh together once in a while. If there were an Arminian cartoon blog in existence, I would certainly read it from time to time. But, to my knowledge, none exists! I even have a pretty good working title: "Arminian Antics". Okay, maybe not so good…the point is, you need to lighten up a little and enjoy life. I joke about every denomination here including my own. I use humor to poke fun at both Arminians and Calvinists and every degree in between. I don't expect everyone to agree with me 100%. But, please, take the time to understand what I am trying to do here.

I received the following letter from an Arminian pastor, Rev. Ion Plink, minister of the Church of the Coconut Grove in Fresno:

Mr. Eddings,
I urge you to use that free will God gave you and oppose your own postings. Jimmy Swaggart once said that Calvinistic Cartoons was one of the signs of the coming of Armageddon. I am concerned about your narrow scope and your trivial pursuit of the "hee hee ha ha's" as brother Hinn used to say.

Your thoughtless rantings and ravings have reached the nostils of God and He just might make you lose your salvation. I, myself, know that I can pray and it will be so. I have some of the keys of the kingdom in my coat pocket upstairs and believe me…I know how to use them!
Let me put it bluntly, if you continue to cause division in the sheepfold, I will pray you into either a local hospital or have you trapped inside a cave at Six Flags Over Texas. Your choice.

A man of Charismata and conviction,
Rev. Ion Plink

Now I ask you readers, is this truly a "Christian" attitude? Where is the love I ask ya? This is "sloppy agape" to say the least! He has said he will never read my blog again but, I can track who does…and he reads it every single day. Sounds a little hypocritical to me. This charismatic preacher sent me a box of plastic tongues two days later, with a note that read, "this is the only "gift of tongues" you'll ever get!"
That wouldn't be so bad if he had not sent a large box the very next day with 40 crushed tulips and a note that said, "These smashed tulips are for a sign unto thee…if I see you peeking in our church window or trying to walk through the front door…I will smash YOUR two lips brother man!"
I know there must be some non-Calvinists, some inconsistant Calvinists, some 4 or 3 point Arminians out there who would join our group. I beseech you, band with us and make this world a better place. A place where wee Calvinists can play their bagpipes freely and wee Arminians can laugh with joy whenever an EvangeCube bounces off their noggin. The birds will sing again and butterflies will form colorful words in the sky. Words of friendship and peace. Words of wisdom. In a language nobody can read.

I thank you.

Doctor Calvinist

Monday, March 2, 2009

Grand Prize Giveaway!





AND $1,000 IN CASH!

Here is the question:



You are not eligible for this contest if you are under 18 years of age, are left-handed, wear contacts, live in a brick house, own a wrist watch, are female, have a job, can read, have eaten ham or beef, use any kind of deodorant, are male, have seen a lizard or live north of the Antarctic Circle.

Calvinism has Depth

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Fan Photo from Taco Gibson

My thanks to Taco Gibson for this obvious "rip-off" of my character at Calvinistic Cartoons. This is an obvious plot by an Arminian to cash in on my fictional creation. They know I follow the Bible and will not take a fellow Christian to court to sue him. Yes, I know who you are, Mr. Kanker Lipman and Mr. Yahee Stooker! A pox on your houses! (Then you will really need those bandages)...when you get to Heaven...I plan on taking you down with a full-nelson, a half-nelson, and if need be, a Ricky Nelson! Selah.

Lyrical Miracles Chosen One #5


Related Posts with Thumbnails