Monday, August 31, 2009

Strange Facts about Christian Leaders #2

1. Jonathan Edwards had to be taught to walk by his own mother and father!

2. Science has proven that Charles Haddon Spurgeon, the great preacher of the 19th century, would have been a full-blooded Spainiard had both of his parents been of Spanish parentage.

3. William Carey, the father of missions, suffered with a fever at various times in his life.

4. Once R.C. Sproul struck his own finger with a hammer!

5. John MacArthur has been known to blow his nose in a public setting.

6. A.W. Pink, the prolific author and profound teacher of the Doctrines of Grace, in his earlier years, would cry when he was in discomfort or didn't get his way!

7. Augustine, without explanation, would sometimes gaze at the moon for what seemed to be a full minute!

8. Michael Scott Horton used to celebrate Halloween by going door to door in disguise and collecting bags of candy for himself.

9. Although the police never found out, D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones had a reputation for burning "Midnight Oil".

10. B.B. Warfield caused his mother much pain before and during childbirth!
Why not encourage the leaders in your church today with a phone call or e mail. Let them know you appreciate them. Then send them a link to Calvinistic Cartoons. They will either thank you or never speak to you again.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Customized Gospels of John

The above Gospel of John magazine is real and targeted at a specific demographic. What if some organization decided to publish and promote very specialized Gospels for very particular groups?

Here are a few I came up with:

The Gospel of John for people of have some kind of heat rash.
The Gospel of John for those people who are lactate intolerant.
The Gospel of John for people with sinus problems.
The Gospel of John for people who dislike Home Owners Associations.
The Gospel of John for people whose stomach is starting to make noise.
The Gospel of John for those who were granted a stay of execution.
The Gospel of John for those who have an E string missing on their guitar.
The Gospel of John for those with two lug nuts missing on their front right tire.
The Gospel of John for who are lingering near the monkey cage at the zoo.
The Gospel of John for people with ugly pets.
The Gospel of John for people who used to be meteorologists.
The Gospel of John for people who failed to yield the right of way.
...for people who mow their grass way too early in the morning.
...for people who look like Moe of the Three Stooges.
...for those who have tattoos of vegetables on their ankles.
...for people who are late this month paying their electric bill.
...for people who have sneezed on a Betty Boop snow globe.

See if your brain can think of some other people or groups I might have passed over.

btw...I plan on creating some Photoshop versions of these (yours included) in future posts. So the more I have to choose from the better. (...and, of course, full credit for the idea will go to the author of the customized Gospels.)

Eddie's Advice Column #3

Dear Eddie,
When I formed our Christian Rock group, "Dirt & Spittle", a year ago, I believed everyone in the band was a follower of Christ. Well, we are now having trouble with our drummer, Mucus Langley. Seems he has a drinking problem like his father. Each night we perform he will disappear after the first set. When we are about to conclude our gig, he always stands up and drunkenly yells, "Hallelujah" and collapes on his drums, knocking everything over, including himself. What should we do?
Your fan,
Paul McCarkey

Dear Paul,
Your friend seems to be swallowing in his father's footsteps.
First, witness to him. You might begin with Psalm 141:10 from the New Living Translation: "The wicked fall into their own snares, but let me escape."
If he doesn't repent, call KFC and order a pair of drumsticks to be delivered to his house with the note: "Dude, until your heart is right with God, these are the only drumsticks you will be allowed to use. Until then, you are being replaced by a drum machine. Meanwhile, I am here if you need to talk."
I am sending you, free of charge, "The Gospel of John for Drummers". It is no different from any other Gospel of John. It just has a specialized cover that depicts Lazarus and the sons of Zebedee playing drums in Heaven.
Your friend,

Thursday, August 27, 2009

The Journal of Cotton Adams #25

October 1, 1739

Upon arriving in the very clean town of Palmolive, I witnessed a crowd gathered around a man who was secured in a pillory on display in the center of the town square. A pillory is a device consisting of a wooden board with holes for the head and hands, in which petty offenders are locked and exposed to public scorn.
I dismounted my horse and approached the jeering crowd to inquired about the identity of this most unfortunate fellow.
"His name is Doctor Al Beefine. He is our town physician," said a man who clearly had just eaten a huge portion of liver and onions. Breathing only through my mouth, I asked as to what criminal act was committed.
"Well, he is also the town drunk. Last night, he broke into out library and removed the appendix from every book that had one. Yeah, he's a regular cut-up all right. And like most doctors, he never treats anyone well. He dumped some pills into our water tower on one of his drunken binges, and everyone slept for two whole days!"
"How long will he be locked in the pillory?" I asked, not allowing any air to pass through my nostrils.
"We're drying him out. We will allow him release in another ten minutes. Some of us have appointments with him this afternoon. Remember this young fella, no matter how long a doctor has been treating folk, he is always still practicing. This man will treat you and then make you pay for it! That's a joke, son. Thought it up myself just seconds ago. Besides, if he loses his patients, he will get mad!"
I thought to myself that my hay fever could wait to be treated in the next town. It, after all, was much atchoo about nothing.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Just for Laughs # 24

Have some fun and supply a caption fitting for this fine photo. In the near future I plan on turning all of the Just for Laughs into full blown Calvinistic Cartoons with full credit given to the funniest caption artist.

Baklava Koos Koos # 11

Today while contemplating the misery in the world, the effects of Adam's sin and the grief that one act brought about, an angel appeared in a flash of light. It frightened me so that I dove behind my sleeping camel, Humpty.
"Come out of hiding Baklava! I have something to reveal to you!"
His voice was soothing, yet had an authoritative tone like the warm winds of Lebanon.
"Speak what is on your heart and I shall show you the answer," the angel said while adjusting his sleeves.
"What is your name, O Heavenly messenger?"
"My name is Gan-el, now ask your question."
I hesitated a moment, then asked, "I know that in Heaven all will be peace, joy and happiness. But will there ever be a place where they will be found here on earth?"
"I will show you the ONLY place where they can ALWAYS be found. Prepare to travel into the future."
As soon as the angel, Gan-el, placed his hand on my shoulder there was another flash of light and I found myself in a room full of books - not scrolls - but bound in another fashion. You could actually flip the pages. Gan-el said that this place was called Mard-els. The angel handed me a very large volume that had the word, "Dictionary", written in gold on it's black cover.
"This is the only place on earth where peace, joy and happiness can always be found. Examine it and see for yourself!"
I did just that and found his word to be true.
After examining the "Dictionary" for a season, I gave it back to the angel and told him it did not agree with the Sacred Scriptures.
"How so?" asked Gan-el with a puzzled look on his face.
"in this book, pride goeth not before destruction!"
Suddenly, I found myself alone, back at my camel's side and only an echo of laughter fading away into the heavens.
I guess I must have said something funny.

A Calvinist in Kuwait

Hey everybody!
I have lots to tell you. Just no time right now. My computer isn't here yet so I am presenting another Baklava Koos Koos for your entertainment. It is Ramadan here and it feels like I stepped into a sauna every day when I leave the apartment I am living in. Pray for me to find a job. I plan on checking with the newspapers and television stations who might need an American style cartoonist on board...and I need a monitor before I can "hook up" my 'puter when it arrives. Driving is a scary experience with the roundabouts and the tailgating. Please stay tuned. I will be back in full force, Lord willing, before long. I hope to find another Calvinist brother somewhere. Pray for that also. Thanks amigos! btw, the Hard Rock Cafe seen above is just a few blocks from my home.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Farewell 4 A While

Dear friends, followers and fans,
This will be the last posting for a while.
Today is my last day at Electronic Data Systems in Plano, Texas and I will not have access to a computer until I reach Kuwait. The container, with my computer, will arrive about two weeks after I do. So it might be hit and miss (as far as any communication or posting is concerned) for the next several days.
My wife and I will be staying at a hotel starting Monday. Our flight leaves Dallas on Wednesday, August 12. It's a 19 hour flight and a quantum leap in our lives. Stepping out of the boat of comfort and security is always a little nerve-shattering, but we all need our nerves shattered if it helps us to focus on the Lord Jesus Christ. I am going through a gamut of emotions, but excited all the while.

Please keep tuning in. When you see nothing new has been posted, don't jump to another blog so quickly. I would ask you to view these photos as a reminder to pray for us. God has already written my journey before I was born and I know it will have a great ending...or beginning.

Eventually, Lord willing, all the Photoshop postings will reappear: T&G; Chic & Gumbo; Caption Contests; Funny Ads; Calvinistic Cartoons and more. New features are in the works.
So remember His grace and mercy and send up a prayer ever once in a while. (My wife probably needs your prayers more than I because she has to endure my humor)

You might even check out my other blog, Facets of Grace.
There are blessings there waiting to happen.

In His eternal service,
David "Eddie" Eddings

Just for Laughs! #23

Someone once said that a library is a room for improvement.
That is very true. But it can also be
raw material for mirth and merriment.
So add some humor to this otherwise, humorless photo.
Just as in God's Book of Predestination - it is bound to happen.

Just for Laughs! #22

I want people to dig this site. So if all the humorous people
(and you know who you are) will search beneath the surface,
you may come up with a treasure trove of jocularity fit for a king
...or at least a king's jester.

Just for Laughs! #21

Leap in and post your "best side story" or caption with this photo.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Cottons Adams Reprint

This is the reposted posting from January 18, 2009. If you have already read this issue, then please forgive me for showing you the cover once again. It is a very rare issue that featured Cotton Adams and his horse, Calico, and it is worth a lot among collectors. If you find a copy somewhere, please let me know. I am willing to pay $1000 for this gem.

Just for Laughs! #20

Let him among us who is the fastest throw the first stone of wittiness.
Everyone else can finish the job.

The Journal of Cotton Adams #24

September 30, 1739

I had been assigned an outdoor amphitheater to preach the Doctrines of Grace that was next to a heavily wooded forest. A company of revelers and dancers had, in the afternoon, taken possession of the place knowing full well of my intentions to preach there. Some advised me to go to another area, for many of the revelers were rough looking, brawny and muscular with scars and broken noses…and that was the women. The men were even more so. I wouldn't hear of it. When I stood on a block of wood and announced the sermon would begin shortly, a burly, barrel-chested man pushed his way through the crowd and threatened me with a beating. I said I would pray for his soul and closed my eyes to begin my intercession. Not more than a second into my prayer, I heard the crowd yelling. I opened my eyes to everyone running frantically toward the town of Bee Bonnet. I can only attribute this miracle to the power of God and to the large black bear that came out of the woods. I made the decision to depart as well.
My sermon, an hour later, inspired by the events mentioned, was entitled, "God bears with the sinful so that his Word can spread."

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Just for Laughs! #19

Immerse yourself into this picture and come up with a funny caption!

The Journal of Cotton Adams #23

September 25, 1739

Performed a wedding today in the town of Flatbug where I joined in Holy matrimony, Sally Turnipseed and Dippy Montgomery of Liveriver, Ohio. Dippy is the inventor of the cinnamon toothpick and the pink flamingo yard ornament.
I discovered, at the reception, that Dippy was a distant cousin of a close friend of Jonathan Edwards' barber, Hedgehog Davis. Mr. Davis was the first man to give me a shave and a haircut when I arrived from England. I remember him as a strapping fellow, the town cut-up, who cut hair for sheer delight. A brilliant conversationalist who would always split hairs when discussing Calvinism and it's practical application to daily life.
I was informed, by Mr. Montgomery, that Hedgehog had been living on the cutting edge so long, that he went mad. I was relieved to find that he was crazy about the institution he now lives in.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Just for Laughs! #18

Supply a funny caption as to why these people are crowding the streets.
You should know, you are in the distance reading Spurgeon.

The Journal of Cotton Adams #22

September 23, 1739

I have been in the town of Los Ankleese for three three days now, and have found a friend in the newly appointed mayor, Virgil Hackenpoof. Have a spot of tea on his porch, our discussion zig-zagged through various subjects.

"Cotton, your shoes look a bit tattered and worn. I know someone who would gladly make you a brand new pair. I will pay for them as a service to you. You have blessed me so with your sermons. His shoes are of the finest leather and his stitching is beyond compare."

"Virgil, I humbly accept your kind offer. You are an answer to prayer. Did you know that in Florida they use alligators to make shoes...and bags!"

"It's amazing what they can get alligators to do these days!"

He stared blankly for a full nine or ten seconds, then resumed our conversation as if it he had not paused at all.

"I know a doctor here in Los Ankleese that will treat you for your muscle aches also. He is just around the corner from the church."

"Extremely kind of you."

"He is a very nice. He treated me for double-pneumonia and only charged me for one pneumonia."

Again, in an almost trance-like state, Mayor Hackenpoof is stock-still for clearly twelve seconds, then begins again.

"I have a Hebrew friend, who is an unsuccessful mystery writer."

"Why is that?"

"He always reveals the killer on the first page!"

This time, a full fifteen seconds of unblinking, motionlessness.

"...Unfortunately, my writer friend is now serving thirty days in jail."

"If you don't mind me asking, what is the charge?"

"Oh, there's no charge. Everything's free."

I was starting to realize this was going to continue throughout our discussion. I waited for what seemed a half minute and asked him,

"Who was the last traveling preacher to visit your church?"

"It was a minister by the name of Sycamore Jones. He was a very boring preacher. But, at the end of his sermons, there was always a great awakening!"

When Virgil froze this time, I took the opportunity to mount my horse and depart away. I had time to leave a note explaining my sudden exit and entreated him to see his doctor friend.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Top 10 Movies at the Nineveh Cinema

The movies were shown after Jonah had left the city:

1. The Perfect Storm

2. Happy Gilmore with Adam Sandcrab

3. Jurassic Carp soundtrack by M.C. Hammerhead

4. The Blair Fish Project music by Vince Gill

5. Pulp Fishin'

6. Castaway soundtrack by Hootie and the Blowfish

7. Ocean 11 with music by Whalin' Jennings

8. Marlin Rouge with Nicole Squidman

9. The Codfather with Marlin Brando

10. Starfish Wars with Liam Neonfish and directed by Jaws Mucas
Coming soon: Angelfish and Demons
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