Rewriting HistoryChristianity Astray, August 2011, Vol. 54.Famous Arminian blogger, Benny Finney, has stunned the evangelical world with the announcement that he has found a missing diary of John Calvin. According to Finney, this document will prove that Calvin was never a Calvinist but a closet Arminian all along. Finney claims to have found this work in a stack of magazines at his podiatrist's office while waiting for a consult regarding the circulation in his feet."This diary will prove that the man I formerly considered a fiend was really hiding his true beliefs out of fear. This will shake the foundations of the reformed world to its core, and I will be there to help pick up the pieces." in a written statement from Finney to the press.However, there is some dispute as to this document's authenticity. Upon closer inspection, historians have found that the supposed Calvin diary has much of the same content as "The Little Engine That Could" only translated into very clumsy French. It is also highly suspect that Calvin's diary would be bound in the same manner as a Little Golden Book. Mr. Finney could not be reached for comment as he had taken a one-way flight to Armenia.
"... he had taken a one-way flight to Armenia."That last line almost made me choke on my Caramel Macchiato-laced Espresso.
FRUSTRATED ATHEISTS TRY TO LEARN THE SECRET OF RAY COMFORT'S LIE DETECTOR BOXA group of atheists have enlisted the aid of technology whiz and energy drink fiend, Zorba Digitalis (shown in illustration) to try to unlock the mystery of the device used by evangelist Ray Comfort when administering the "good person" test. The Lie Detector Magnet Box is designed to reveal whether the person taking the test has answered truthfully.Comfort believes that a previous attempt was made to acquire information about this amazing device when his diary was discovered to be missing. He had placed it on the counter while purchasing an ice cream cone at the Huntington Beach pier, and when he reached for it, the diary was gone.An unnamed source told us that Digitalis (who claims that he only gulps down energy drinks by the gallon to help his circulation) still has not discovered the secret of the "Lie Detector Magnet Box."
It was in circulationBut it went on vacation.It's not at the train station.Cotton Adams' diarydo-do-do-do (snap snap)do-do-do-do (snap snap)do-do-do-dodo-do-do-dodo-do-do-do (snap snap)Some fiend said it was missingAlthough he was just hissing.Could he be why it's missing?Cotton Adams' diary(chorus)Arminians want to stop himFrom preaching while a hoppin'But ain't nobody stoppin'Cotton Adams' diary(chorus)