Friday, April 23, 2010

Forgotten Cults #8

Rocco Yeast
Founder of "The C.U.L.T."

Rocco made his first million dollars before turning twenty. Then served the next six years in the slammer for counterfeiting. As he stayed in prison, Rocco became more like Boaz before he met Ruth . In other words, he was ruthless. He yelled several mean things at a guard, threw a harmonica at the warden and even slapped a fellow prisoner named Coddington Borax. Once he spit in the pancake batter during breakfast.
In the summer of 2001, while in solitary confinement, he started a cult of one. CULT being an acronym for Criminals Utterly Ludicrous Theology. He made up his own rules, and fasted only when sleeping. He taught himself pig latin and spoke in that language for the rest of his life. He wrote his own bible on the walls of his cell and claimed they were inspired by the ghosts of Baby Face Nelson and Machine Gun Kelly.
He escaped the Montego Bay prison in 2003 and started a church, "The Cult", at a Bed, Bath and Beyond warehouse in Walla Walla under the name, Reverend Nelson Kelly. Although he baptised eight "converts" in one day, he never let them join his one-man cult. Instead, he would rob them at gun point and tell them it was their "offering".
Police arrived at the Bed, Bath and Beyond one day after being tipped off by a Mr. Goodwrench. The only thing they found was Rocco's body, still smokin' from some kind of freak electrical charge. Rocco Yeast is buried in the You Can't Escape THIS Prison Cemetery in Pinkerton, Montana.
His epitath on his tombstone reads:
Here lies Rocco Yeast
Pardon me for not rising.
Bob Dylan once sang a song about Rocco that was never written down, performed or recorded.


  1. I think you threw in the Birds reference just to see if this Hitchcock fan was still reading. - Mr. Big Head

  2. Okay. So I got my Bays mixed up. I was thinking Bodega Bay. - Mr. Big Head

  3. Very colorful man indeed. Fasting only when sleeping is a good idea actually

  4. Though a song was never written, recorded or performed by Bob Dylan about Rocco Yeast, some suspected that The Ballad of Rocco Yeast so closely resembled "Hurricane" that it couldn't be written, recorded or performed, as co-writer of "Hurricane," Jacques Levy, would have thrown such a fit.

    Amateur Motown Songsmiths at the Discovery Channel, attemtp to piece together, what they believe, may have been the chorus to that tune:

    Yes here comes the story of Rocco Yeast
    The one-man C.U.L.T. leader who can’t get no peace
    Took up his offerings with a gun
    ‘Scaped from a prison cell but one
    time he could-a been
    The champion of the world.

  5. I noticed that you included the names of "Baby Face Nelson", Ozzie and Harriet's eldest son, whom they never mentioned, and kept locked up in the basement; and that of "Mr. Goodwrench", the notorious chiropractor of infomercial fame.

  6. So Dave was Ozzie and Harriet's middle son... interesting.

    An eldest son locked in the basement would explain old Thorney's nosing around all the time...

  7. Coddington Borax! He keeps showing up in such diabolical places! Humphrey beware1

  8. Brother Edmund Smothers received 28 stitches after he was pummeled for suggesting the Hymnals be returned to the auditorium for an occasional break from the garage-style praise band.


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