Thursday, April 22, 2010

Forgotten Cults #7

Fritz Hakunamatata

Fritz was a successful toupee salesman in Rocky Mount, North Carolina when he was struck by a car and hurled into a pastry shop. After a three day coma, he awoke with his idea of the true meaning of life. He realized that you can eat your cake and have it too by making two cakes. The day he was released he started the "Mystical Cake Walk Society". Within a week he had two hundred and two members.
Fritz Hakunamatata taught that the ingredients of life must have a mystical frosting. Chanting "Flour Power!" or "We knead dough!" would bring it to the top.
Fritz also preached that Hell was temporary.
"It is just an easy bake oven set on 200 degrees where evil scones are transformed into good little cupcakes."
He rented an airplane hanger and held weekly services where everyone would bake a cake with a "gift" inside. Then they would form a single file and walk into town distributing the cakes to strangers. Some cakes contained hand written poems of peace and love. Others might have a useful object like a toenail clipper or a can of transmission fluid.
Inside his place of worship, thousands of birthday candles burned brightly. 
"The birthday candle represents the light of other days. Its fate is to die of consumption yet it always makes light of it misfortune," Mr. Hakunamatata told police after the fire.
After serving two months in jail, Fritz became even more unstable. Oddly, his followers never questioned his motives or mental health. They followed blindly as he set fire to silos across the state of North and South Carolina.
"These fires will light up the sky like giant birthday candles! They will cure the world of..." Fritz never finished his statement. He was killed by a cloud-to-ground lightning burst.
"Well, that takes the cake!" Mrs. Hakunamatata said the funeral.
Fritz was cremated and stored in the freezer at the Patty Cake Bakery in Waffle Town, New Jersey. 


  1. The secret of Hakunamata's success was that Rocky Mount is the seat for Franklin County known as the "Moonshine Capital of the World."

    The dough they kneaded was really corn mash and the cause of the many silo fires came from trying to distill the communion for Mason jars!

  2. A rival "tonic" originated from the hills of nearby Bug Tussle from Daisy May "Granny" Moses.

  3. "Cakes with gifts inside" where the ruse used by the followers to "out wit the Revenuers!"

  4. I'm noticing a recurring theme with all these cult leaders. They all seem to have been killed by lightning. Let this be a warning to all you young aspiring cult leaders out there!

  5. Having lived in the area for a number of years I can say that the meeting place for the MCWS was not so much a hanger as it was a two story barn where the failed “Barn Storming and Aeronautics League” once met. I can see the confusion though since Gerome “myopic” Creech, leader of the BSAL attempted to fly his vintage Sopwith through the second floor missing by “ “ that much..

  6. My guess is that Fritz's cakes were half-baked like his theology.

  7. Epilogue:

    It later came out that one night, during Fritz's two months in jail, he had a dream which he related to his cell mate, Giuseppe. In the dream, Fritz was balancing a six-layered cake on his head, when suddenly, Big Bird (of the Muppetts®) appeared and devoured the cake in one gulp.

    Giuseppe had no clue as to the interpretation of the dream; but it seemeed to have influenced Fritz's mental state and behavior from that day onward.

    (Giuseppe sold the story of the dream to a tabloid, which paid him $15 for it.)


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