Cold and Sweet

It's not exactly "brain food" but nothing refreshes a body like cold slices of watermelon! 

Originating in Africa, watermelons were first cultivated in Egypt where testaments to their legacy were recorded in hieroglyphics painted on building walls. The fruit was held is such regard that it was placed in the tombs of many Egyptian kings. It is not surprising that when Johnny Appleseed met Johnny Watermelonseed they became bitter enemies, and would have fought unto death had not little Johnny Pumpkinseed stopped them.

A Letter From Dr. Foreman Chrysler

Dear Eddie,
I wanted you and your readers to know that I am coming out with a book entitled, "Death Row and Free Will". In this volume you will find my firm belief that free will is  more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings at a single bound, and if you look up in the sky, you may find yourself saying, "It's Super-Will"!
Let me explain. I believe that we are made in the likeness of God and so we have a free will. Which means we can freely choose good or evil. Just like...well come to think about it, God doesn't have a will like that. He can only choose good. Forget that last part and just accept the fact that it is BIBLICAL! ...okay, it's not actually mentioned in Scripture that way...okay, forget that part! Here's an illustration I once heard from a mysterious deacon who came to our church and never returned. (He may have been an angel for all we know):

Billy Barty is a man on death row. He is evil through and through. Hates everything and everybody! He will be executed at midnight. He is alone in his cell and can hear sixteen or seventeen prisoners playing their harmonicas. He has eaten his last meal, a Happy Meal with extra fries and a toy figure of Johnny Appleseed.
He has but thirteen minutes before he walks his last steps to the gas chamber and electric chair where he will get a lethal injection before they hang him. He starts to think about what Nipsy Russell once said. "Billy, why not turn your life around right now, before you are executed by the state!" Nipsy said that no more than five minutes ago, so it's still fresh in his mind.
Billy refuses to repent and is executed.
Billy opens his eyes and sees a light. He follows that light for half a mile or so. Then he hears a voice from above..."Billy Barty, use your free will to set yourself free! You can do it! It's the only chance you have...murderer."
Billy agrees and is now happy as a animated hamster in a plastic tunnel. His free will made him choose the right path.

Of course, in my book, I go into depth. But I think you will see my side is the best side, because I have built such a strong case. The book, which is bound to be a best seller, is published by Raca Publications and goes on sale in May.
Yours freely,
Dr. Foreman Chrysler

Dear Dr. Chrysler,
The only strong case you ever built was a mahogany book shelf. You should stick to making book cases and chairs.
Eddie

The Journal of Cotton Adams #27

May 7, 1740

One of the books I carry with me is Facets of Grace by Edward Eddington. Here is a quote I want you to remember as I relate to you the time I met John Chapman, or as most folk know him, Johnny Appleseed.
"When one's belief is defined it is doctrine. But it is only Biblical doctrine if it is in total harmony with the whole counsel of God."

As I recall, it was a cool, clear night. I had been in the saddle for hours and was thinking about bedding down for the night when I spotted a fire flickering in a clearing up ahead. As is my practice, I began singing "Amazing Grace" so as not to alarm whomever I am approaching, and to let them know I am a man who loves the Lord. I could smell meat being roasted and the scent of apple cider in the air.

"Ho brother! Come sit a spell! I was praying for some company and for someone to share this meal with. I guess you are the answer to BOTH prayers!"
The man who spoke was extremely thin with gray hair and beard down to his belly. His voice was surprisingly high-pitched for his stature. His clothes were tattered and his feet were bare as the day he was born.
"The name's John...John Chapman. Some people call me Apple Jack, but mostly I am known as Johnny Appleseed."
"I am pleased to meet you. My name is Cotton Adams. I am a circuit riding Doctrines of Grace preacher."
"Well, I'll be pickled! I'm a missionary with the Church of the New Jerusalem. I don't like to kill animals but, this was self-defense. Hope you like bob-cat and 'taters."
"Well, thanks but I'm not hungry. I will take a cup of your apple cider though."
We continued small talk for a while. He told me of his planting millions of apple seeds everywhere he went, and about his celibacy and charity work in each town he visits. I was eager to find out if this man really knew the Lord.
"Tell me about this church you mentioned." I said, drinking down my third cup.
"It was started by Emanuel Swedenborg. And we preach news right fresh from Heaven! He has written a third testament that adds present revelation from God to the Bible. It says if you don't get married here on earth, you can have two wives in Heaven!"
I had read some of Swedenborg's works but I let Johnny continue.
"That ol' Emanuel fella, he has visited Heaven and Hell many times. He wrote all about his visions, dreams and experiences and I believe him!"
"Mr. Chapman, I have actually read his book on his mystical journeys and it is structured exactly like Dante's "The Divine Comedy".
"So what! Maybe this Dante fella stole it from Swedenborg!"
"That's hardly possible since Dante was born in 1265 A.D.!" I stated emphatically.
"Well, then I would have to say that Dante made the same journey! Thus verifying Swedenborg."
"I can see you refuse to see the heresy in front of your face. You need to listen to God's Word and forsake Emanuel's teaching and repent and embrace Immanuel, The Lord of Glory! Sin has made you rotten to the core, Johnny Appleseed. And the confusion you spread will wilt and die like the tree Jesus cursed. Be assured of this one thing. Those elected to salvation are the apple of God's eye. You are a prisoner of the Devil himself. I can only pray God plants HIS seed in the soil of your soul. Only time and eternity will tell. I thank you kindly for the cider. Please consider what I have said. Swedenborg will split Hell wide open and all who follow him will end up in the same place."

With that I mounted my horse and rode off. By the time I reached the next town, I had my sermon outline:

Adam's Apple - The fall of the first Adam and the triumph of the last Adam
(I changed the TULIP to APPLE)

All born through Adam are totally depraved
Predestined election is God's choice, not mine
Particular Redemption never failing
Love and grace of God creates love for God by grace
Everyone born of God is preserved for Heaven

Interview with Pug Dagitt - Emergent Church Leader

The Calvinistic Cartoon Blog Interview

1. Pug, What gives with the new look...why all the tattoos and piercings?

Pug: "I want to be all things to all men. This is my way of crossing all bridges at once in an attempt to win all. My tattoos have illustrated bits of conversations from many different "religious" leaders such as Ghandi, Morpheus, Johnny Appleseed...and, oh yeah, Jesus. My piercings witness to the fact that man suffers from low self-esteem and "Holy" dogma.

2. What is your method of preaching?

Pug: "I like to call it "Starbucks skyscraper sermons", let me explain...Imagine if Starbucks had an 86 floor skyscraper in Montego Bay. Now imagine U2's "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" being played by a sitar in the background. You get on the elevator with a candle and a copy of my latest book, "Why I Greet Men", ("greet men" is "emergent" spelled sideways)...anyway, if you have followed me so far, you know that a skyscaper is just one story stacked upon many other stories.
That's the way I roll.

3. Who are the biggest influences in your life as a leader?

Pug: "Jonah, of course, then there is Jose Feliciano, Alexander the Great, Barry Gibb, James Dean, and SpongeBob Squarepants.

4. What books have changed your life?

Pug: "Not sure I would say any books have changed my life. I have never thought about books in that light. It kind of sounds like the question from Junior High School, "what is your favorite song". (which is "Mama Told Me Not to Come" by the way) But maybe books have changed my life, there are so many that I recommend and love reading, I will give some time thinking of books in that way and see what comes to mind...wait a minute...I would like to mention "Doc Savage Man of Bronze in The Land of Terror" as one that made a impact on me at an early age."

5. What's your biggest challenge as a leader?

Pug: "TV Guide Crossword Puzzles. I can never complete one no matter how hard I try. Most of my sermon material comes from those that are published in the New York Times."

6. What goals do you have as a leader?

Pug: "My goals are simple. Try to maintain my sanity. In fact, I have a 'sanity clause' in my verbal contract here at Solomon's Balcony. You may not believe in a sanity clause but, try and tell that to all the children here around Christmas."

7. Where do you see yourself in ten years?

Pug: "I hope to have my own movie company and a TV show, a situation comedy for sure. I have already written the pilot. It will be called, "Harry Tick and the Hinder-sons".

8. One last question. What does the WWJD on the back of your head stand for?

Pug: "What Would Jonah Do."

Thanks Pug for taking time for an interesting interview.