I have decided to spare you all the scientific details. Let's just say it involved DNA, a box of Spurgeon cigars, a broken Slim Whitefield record and a single tile from an Emergent Scrabble game. After an intensive forty five minutes, I discovered that Ping Wu, who I thought to be a loyal fan, was in reality a double agent! And I awarded him $10,000 for a photo he had sent. He may be traveling under the name of one of his many aliases: Ling Hu, Ming Tu, Wing Mu, Sing Pu or Opie Taylor. His real name is Satchmo Crockett, a known anti-Calvinist.
I will be heading back to Kuwait now that I know the truth. It's been quite a day.