Monday, May 4, 2009

Coffee House #4

This episode of Coffee House Confidential is brought to you by
Cotton Adams Coffee Beans, the coffee beans you can eat!

This week takes me to "The Freudian Sip", a coffee shop located in Dusseldorf, Germany. I had my mini-recorder microphone hidden at a table where two English speaking Arminians were discussing Calvinistic Cartoons. They both had their laptops open to my blog. (I admit, I sort of planted the idea in their heads by suggesting they go there. I then, went to the restroom and disguised myself with a Groucho Marx kit made by the same people who invented the Life-size Clydesdale Chia Pet. This is the edited version of their conversation.)

Bo: Just who was that guy? Isn't that him in the corner with the fake Groucho glasses?
Moe: Yeah, that's him…it would probably be best just to ignore him.
Bo: What do you think of this blog?
Moe: Pure D Calvinism.
Bo: Moe, you're the Bible expert! Tell me, why are there Calvinists anyway? Why can't they interpret the Bible like we do?
Moe: Bo, first of all, Calvinists are a proud lot. They are so convincing that it will annoy you. Like a broken record of a singing florist with tulips stuck in his hair. They blindly follow James Calvin like lemmings in an icy rainstorm.
Bo: You are a veritable wordsmith! No wonder you won the Finney Polite Fight Award of 2001. You da man!
Moe: Yes, I AM the man.
Bo: Tell me a little about Calvin.
Moe: James Tiberius Calvin, was born in France the same year Columbus chopped down that cherry tree. He studied at the Institute of Christian Religion and then posed for the Reformation Wall. I believe he had a pet tiger named Hobbes at one time. He created the TULIPS acronym.
Bo: I thought it was just TULIP, y'know five points.
Moe: Yes, that's true…NOW…but, originally, it was SIX points. The "S" was dropped in 1812. It stood for "Sovereignty".
Bo: Where did you learn all this?
Moe: I took a Kenneth Copeland Correspondence Course back in '95. It took me three whole months to graduate.
Bo: You're a gentleman and a scholar! I bet you know when to use a semi-colon!
Moe: I happen to be writing a book on Charles N. Spurgeon right now, and it's full of semi-colons…well, I am writing it in my head. I haven't written anything down as yet. But when I find the right publisher…WATCH OUT WORLD! This book will dispel the idea that Spurgeon believed in Limited Atonement.
Bo: You could debate ANYONE!
Moe: If only John Mugarthur or R.C. Sprawl would walk through that door right now…I would engage him in a conversation about the Five Points and demolish every argument he could muster.
Bo: Look! Isn't that John Mugarthur and R.C. Sprawl at the counter ordering espressos?
Moe: Hey! What are they doing here?
Bo: Now's your chance! I'll go ask them to join us!
Moe: NO! Don't you see? This is some elaborate plan to capture us and burn us at the stake! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!

At that moment, both men grabbed their laptops and ran out the back door. Moe left his Dake's Bible and Bo left a tip with a Jack Chick-fil-a coupon worth over seventy five cents on a spicy chicken sandwich. Neither really discussed my blog like I had planned. I'll have to use that technique again in the future. But I did get to meet two guys who looked a whole lot like John MacArthur and R.C. Sproul that day.


  1. That Moe must be some kinda dummy; I aced that Kenneth Copeland Correspondence Course in just three and a half weeks.


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