3 Years Young

Calvinistic Cartoons is 3 years old today.

Corky's 1939 Newspaper Strip

okay...y'know ya gotta click it

it just ain't big enough to read this way

...and yikes! it's 11/11/11 in Kuwait!

Flying First Class

Yes, that's me at the wheel of my new Calvinistic Cartoonmobile. (it's worth the click to enlarge) Corky Velveeta brought this back from the future and gave it to me just in time for my Dubai trip. Who says a blogger doesn't get perks every once in a while. Thanks Corky! You da man!

Atheist Devotional Book #8

...got nothin'

Just for Laughs #186

Picture a caption...then let us in on it.

Keep it Theological and we'll all be the better for it.

Fan Photo from Shauna Sheshay

Thanks Shauna Sheshay for this information - and just in time for that Christmas list! We will be sending you a check for an undisclosed amount ($7,000) for your research and loyalty. 

The Biggest Announcement Ever for Calvinistic Cartoons

This is the biggest announcement I have ever made. It cost me $7,000 to have Corky Velveeta write this message in the sky! This is the largest font I have ever used. The date of my last Calvinistic Cartoons and Facets of Grace will be on February 22, 2022. That's when I plan on calling it quits. Have a great day and look to the skies! 

Announcing an Announcement

Dear friends,

This Saturday, November 12, Calvinistic Cartoons will be 3 years old. I have had a pretty good run. I never thought I would be able to maintain a blog of this type for this long. Even though followers are up, the stats indicate that readership is down a little from a year ago. Comments are incredibly creative and I have enjoyed every one of them.

I have decided to set a date for ending Calvinistic Cartoons and its sister, Facets of Grace. A lot of things have happened in these last three years and I am glad for all the laughter and thought-provoking (I hope) satire I might have brought to the table. I have many pre-scheduled posts that are loaded and ready to fire in the next few weeks. Tomorrow I will make the biggest announcement ever by posting the exact date of the last Calvinistic Cartoons.

Keep looking up!

Eddie Eddings

Random Word Writing Challenge #30

Write as many paragraphs as you like using the words above.

Entries may be poetry, prose, fiction, essays or interviews.

(or any other form of creatively written expression.)

Just be funny, clever and theological...

I Am Saved by Good Works

Do I REALLY believe I am saved by good works? 

Yes, a thousand times, yes!!

Just not MY good works.

It was by the good works of the Lord Jesus Christ

and HIS works ALONE!

Arminian Antics #74

Rob Bell Produces New Movie

For cryin' out loud...click on the poster so youse guys can read the fine print!

Atheist Devotional Book #7

A few hundred yards offshore this morning, a whale broke the surface of the water. I saw its dark rolling back for only a single tantalizing moment. But the thrill of that brief sighting has had me thinking all day about life in the ocean.

Evidence of it lined the beach where I went walking: quahog shells, mussels, slippers, limpets, periwinkles; shore creatures feeding on the ocean's bounty; tern diving for fish; a gull feasting on the carapace of a  horseshoe crab; a flock of sanderlings chasing the retreating waves. 

Mother Nature sure knows how to evolve her children. She's my kind of gal, I tells ya.

I surprised my Christian neighbor the other day. She always tries to convince me that there is a God. I stopped her on the street and told her that I now worship someone greater than myself. She looked at me for a few seconds and asked, "Who do you worship?"

"Evil Lou", I told her, holding back my laugh. "Evil Lou Shun!" Then I burst into laughter and pushed her into the bushes." See ya later, little Miss Goody-Two-Shoes!" Then I caught a bus for Memphis.

Truth be told, I do love evolution. Sometimes I think it is pure genius and other times I think it is an idiot. Why don't we have both gills AND lungs...or wings so we can fly, for crying out loud. It doesn't make sense sometimes...but neither did my late husband. 

Just for Laughs #185

Go ahead...get trigger happy with a caption.

The Composite Calvinist Challenge

See if you can identify the 5 Calvinists used to make this picture.

(1) right eye (2) left eye (3) nose (4) mouth (5) body

...as the Arminian said to anger the Calvinist..."Good luck, you're going to need it!" 

click to enlarge

November Calendar

Separated at Birth? You Tell Me!

Chris, old friend, it's time you chose an avatar...and I'm not talking about the movie.

Hope your Reformation Day celebration was great!

Classic Movie Time - "Corky" (1950) with Jimmy Stewart

A scene from the classic 1950 motion picture, "Corky" with Jimmy Stewart.

Elwood P. Dowd is a mild-mannered, pleasant man, who just happens (he says) to have an invisible friend resembling a Romans 9 grenade.

Be a Christian this Halloween

Why not show some common grace this Halloween and give candy to the children.

You may not like the holiday or all the costumes but you can include Gospel tracts with the sweets.

Use this time for spreading treats and tracts.

Which is More Important?

"I am reminded that one old saint was asked,

" Which is the more important: reading God's Word or praying?"

To which he replied, "Which is more important to a bird: the right wing or the left?"

A.W. Tozer

Arminian Antics #73

Ahh...the Days of the 46 comment thread

Calvinistic Cartoons: As of Today - The Hardships of Blogging Daily: Because of the controversy of body gender in the comment section, I has been forced ta reveal da original photo ta prove it is NOT a female...

Friday Night Facts

Fact: I broke my plastic space helmet the first time I wrecked my car.

Another Corky Comic

This time I found the cover myself! So I will award myself $7,000.

It's almost ironic, isn't it, that Corky's face is in the "O" in the title?

Sort of reminds you of things to come, doesn't it?

All right! I'm awarding myself another $7,000 for that observation!

Atheist Devotional Book #6

It's Sunday night and I'm getting ready to go to the Alpha Privative First Church of Atheistic Indulgence. It's the first day of services and I want to tell you readers that I'm pumped up and ready to holler. 


The "pastors" are Tom Foolerie and his lovely wife, Folly. At my request, and for the chance to make it into my devotional, he sent me the bulletin for me to share with you.


We start with our signature song,"Imagine" by John Lennon.
Then we go right into "With a Little Luck" by Paul McCartney.
That is followed by "Hakuna Matata" from The Lion King.
Next on the list is "Jumping Jack Flash" then "The Theme from Rawhide" and finishing off with "Born This Way" by Lady Gaga.


We all drink whiskey or bourbon while Pastor Tom Foolerie takes the podium and lectures on "The Gifts That Evolution Brings". That is his "sermon" for the week. Folly takes the podium after he steps down and does an interpretive dance number that demonstrates primordial soup to human being in less than twenty minutes. Amazing stuff.


Then we break into small groups and plan crimes of passion. 


There will be a square dance and a buffet while an overhead projector shows slides of Madalyn Murray O'Hair's X-rays.


We all join hands at the end of the service and sing "Livin' La Vita Loca".


It promises to be an interesting evening for those who will attend. A door prize will be offered each week. This week the door prize will be an atheistic card deck (there is no King of Hearts) and a chance to talk to Richard Dawkins on Skype.


We offer free ministry licences to any atheist who asks.


That's the way we roll here at the Alpha Privative First Church of Atheistic Indulgence. Not being there is also okay because it symbolizes non-existence. 


If you come...bring money. We need to build a vomitorium.  

Fan Photo from Jubilation T. Cornpone

Hey Mr. Spaceman,

I have been a stamp collector for over thirty years. I came across your blog just a few days ago and noticed a photo of Corky Velveeta. I knew I had seen his image before and checked my U.S. stamps. Sure enough, this photo of my 1939 New York World's Fair has a certain shape you might find interesting. Thought I would send it to you. I don't need any reward money for this because I am very wealthy and own most of downtown L.A.

Feel free to use this letter and photo in your blog.

Your new fan,

Jubilation T. Cornpone

Just for Laughs #184

Wouldn't you like to know what's on that paper?

Supply a theological caption so that we might all know what's goin' on.

Dagg Attack

What Ever Happened to...Cult Leader Olaf Norris?

click on the pic for to make biggerer

Many have asked me recently, "How come you haven't written about the Viking cult leader, Olaf Norris?" Well, to be honest, he just seemed to drop out of the public eye in 2008.

My cracked research team in Sugarland, Texas did some investigation and came up with the following information:

Olaf Klak, who changed his last name to Norris (because it sounds like Norse), was once the leader of a cult known as "The Striking and Biking Hiking Vikings". His group of sixty five wore horned helmets and Viking underoos and would frequently be seen eating apricot cream cheese danishs while hiking through city civic centers. 

His teachings led many members to live in the crevices of Mount Rushmore. Each member had to be baptized in the icy waters of a public swimming pool and hung upside down to dry for at least ten minutes. Olaf taught that climate change was of the devil and that daylight savings time was a ploy to confuse Scandinavian lands and parts of Greenland.

When Olaf was arrested for littering and sentenced to die on Skull Island, Ed Young came to his rescue. After talking with Olaf and paying for his release, Ed convinced Olaf to abandon his cult group and help build a parking garage for his new airplanes. 

Today, Olaf Norris works for Ed Young Inner-tainment Enterprises Construction Company where he pulls in a six-figure salary each year.

This just in...Olaf Norris passed away yesterday and, as requested by his wife, was set on fire, along with his ABBA CD's, on a pyre that was set adrift at Galveston beach. Ed Young gave a hip-hop message that angered almost everyone who attended. He escaped on his private jet before former cult members could catch him.  

A Very Moving Thought

Every move a Christian makes is ministry related ---
whether it is acknowledged or not.

Jonah could testify to that.

Arminian Antics #72

Classics #37

Atheist Devotional Book #5

Yet another pathetic, preposterous page to ponder.

(note - this is Faye's seventh husband's funeral...not the fifth who was eaten by a bear.)

In the reception line at my husband's funeral, I privately prided myself for remaining dry-eyed. I graciously greeted the guests and thanked them for having come, so perfectly poised that people remarked, "My, you're taking this well."

"Well," I would tell them, "he WAS JUST A CARBON BASED UNIT THAT HAD HIS ELECTRICAL IMPULSES SMASHED OUT BY A TWO TON ROCK!.....HELLO!"

I have no patience with "sweetness"....and these were fellow atheists! Stupid morons.

Then, two days later, while I was going through my former husband's belongings, I came across a small voodoo doll pincushion that looked a great deal like me. In fact, a lock of my hair was taped to it's scrawny little head! That idiot was practicing voodoo in my own home, I tells ya!

I got in my car and drove for an hour, back to the burial site where that brainless buffoon was buried and poured ten gallons of grass killer and gasoline on his "resting place". I stepped back about twenty feet and lit a Roman candle. It didn't take long for that site to erupt in billowing flames.

"Take THAT ya voodoo-practicing monkey!"

The police arrived ten minutes later and I explained to them that some Christian teenagers were defacing my husband's cemetery plot! They believed every word. 

When this dies down, I'll be going back to do some more damage. Framing Christians is not a bad way to help our cause. Try it today!    

Just for Laughs #183

I provided the table

now you provide the talk

Post-Modern Meaning

A lot of you may remember the old Dick Van Dyke show on CBS. Those who watched it, loved it. It was one of the greats. You can still view entire episodes on YouTube and other places on the internet.

I found the lyrics, the other day, written by the comic genius, Morey Amsterdam. It struck me as I read them that many churches today could use these words as their theme. I can just see Joel Osteen or Ed Young Jr. walking out on stage and tripping. What a laugh that would bring to their congregations.

What do you think?

THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW THEME SONG

(Music by Earle Hagen / Lyrics by Morey Amsterdam)

So you think that you've got troubles?

Well, trouble's a bubble,

So tell old Mr. Trouble to "Get lost!"

.

Why not hold your head up high and,

Stop cryin', start tryin',

And don't forget to keep your fingers crossed.

When you find the joy of livin'

Is lovin' and givin'

You'll be there when the winning dice are tossed.

A smile is just a frown that's turned upside down,

So smile, and that frown will defrost.

And don't forget to keep your fingers crossed!

Corky Comic #21

A nice, big fat check for $7,000 will be sent to Harvey Loopis for sending this cover of issue number 21 of the Corky Velveeta Comic Book. This indicates that there was a run of the series. It amazes me that Corky never mentioned this to me. One more indication of the humility and character of our much loved icon. What a guy! What a grenade!

Secret of the High Five

According to Wikipedia the high five is a celebratory hand gesture that occurs when two people simultaneously raise one hand, about head high, and push, slide or slap the flat of their palm and hand against the palm and flat hand of their partner. The gesture is often preceded verbally by the phrase "Give me five" or "High five".

Unknown to most of the world, is the fact that John Calvin created this "signal" to secretly confirm the belief in the five points of Calvinism in the public square. Below is a painting of John Calvin high-five-ing William Farel, who is just outside the painting.

Arminians use this gesture without knowing the significance behind it.

Below is a photo of two Arminians after a successful snake-handling service.

"High five" was also used by Jonathan Edwards, A.W. Pink and Corky Velveeta.

So next time someone says, "Gimme five"...explain the origin and be on your way.

Good Question

"If Jesus Christ was a product of evolution, how is it that no better man has since appeared, after [twenty centuries]?"

W.H. Griffith Thomas

Arminian Antics #71

NO MORE BLOGGING

Just like the historic wrong headline in the Chicago Daily Tribune, (click here for mo info) Truman woke up the very next day to find these erroneous headlines in the morning newspaper. Well, readers, I didn't quit then and I'm not stopping now!

Eventually, of course we all stop for some reason. What do you think brings a blog to an abrupt stop? Do you know someone who had a great blog and just shelved it?

I suspect every hard-working blogger needs a few comments ever so often. Why not take the time and jot a few comments on a blog you read but seldom comment on?

Keep good blogs alive.

Atheist Devotional Book #4

The following entry is from page 263:

My husband Link and I had prepared to backpack into the Grand Canyon for a solid year before our trip. But most of that conditioning had been with only partially filled packs and on flatter surfaces than we would encounter on the canyon trails.

On our second day of the real hike, on the Tonto Platform between the Hermit trail and the more primitive trail at Boucher Creek, we were already very tired. A couple of hours of walking didn't quite match up to eight hours a day of hard hiking.

We were plodding along the trail on the Tonto, a little after noon on the second day of the trip, when suddenly a huge brown bear leaped on Link and killed him within seconds.

I yelled at the bear and it came running towards me with an obvious intent on killing me too! I spun around and lit my flame thrower with my cigarette lighter sending a stream of fire into the bears face! The bear let out a howl and ran into the woods still in flames. I tracked the bear down and finished it off with my 45's.

I can remember my husband and I talking about the "survival of the fittest". Now he is an illustration of the losing end of that equation.

I married again a week later to some guy I met in a bar.

Ironic, isn't it? A bear took one husband...at a bar I found another. And his name is Davy Crockett, just like the historic figure who killed him a "bar" when he was only three.

We divorced a week and a half later. 

Just like evolutionists and monkeys are one big family, atheists and bears have a lot in common. It's kill or be killed in this bear-eat-man world we live in. 

Kisses and bear hugs to all my readers. 

Just for Laughs #182

Turn on the captions!

Blogger Traffic Jam

Start a little traffic and list your blog below. 

 
My only requirements are that:

(1) you have a Protestant Christian evangelical blog and

(2) you are a follower of Calvinistic Cartoons (which you can join BEFORE you list your own)


So give us a little info on your blog and share your link.


It's a win-win situation I tells ya!

Fan Photo from Hubna Maridian

Thanks and a $7,000 check goes to Hubna Maridian of Spokenhicken, Virginia, who discovered this illustration in an old magazine. If you think I am not giving away real money, then contact Mr. Maridian and ask him what HE thinks.

Investigation of Benny Finney Funeral

click on photo to enlarge if you really feel you have to

I suspected something afoot when I heard Benny Finney's funeral was to be held at the Harry Houdini Funeral Home in Denmark, Ohio. Knowing that the funeral director was a fan of Calvinistic Cartoons, I had him snap a photo of the coffin that was being used.

Upon further investigation I spotted this detail (see photo) showing that this coffin was once the property of David Blaine, the magician.

Something is rotten in Denmark and it ain't Benny Finney's body!

Funeral director, Fritz Langella, skyped me said that "Benny Hinn arrived and demanded that the doors be locked so that his faith could be free to work without hindrance from unbelief. He handed every funeral staff member a hundred dollar bill and told us to go buy a burger. His bodyguards were pretty mean looking so we headed on out for lunch. Benny Hinn told us that we should expect a miracle when we return."

Can you believe this crazy stuff?

No Alteration in Decrees

When God calls a man, He does not repent of it. God does not, as many friends do, love one day, and hate another; or as princes, who make their subjects favourites, and afterwards throw them into prison. This is the blessedness of a saint; his condition admits of no alteration.

God's call is founded upon His decree, and His decree is immutable. Acts of grace cannot be reversed.

God blots out His people's sins, but not their names. 

Arminian Antics #70

Classics #36

That's All Folks!

Don't you just love the Merrie Melodies cartoon signoff?

I know I do.