Backing for Cotton Adams

The towns folk of Booger Holler owe Cotton a great deal more than the six week revival that was held there. He saved the town from burning down when Mrs. O' Leary's cow, Bessie Mae, knocked over a coal lantern, and her chicken, Henrietta Bea, knocked over a sack of gun powder and two cans of kerosene.

Create a Calvinistic Cartoon Caption #6

Fiddle-dee-dee! Why it's that little ol' Caption Contest time again. The one who creates the best caption will receive their certificate on January 16th, 2009. And don't worry if you don't come up with something directly. After all... tomorrow is another day.

Suggestion Box

From time to time I will post a Suggestion Box to open up the forum on how I might improve this site. Be as honest as a Calvinist in a room full of vegetarians. (I don't know what that means...it's just the cadence that appeals to me). If you want to see more characters developed, or more eliminated...or more caption contests and less trivia. If you like things the way they are. Whatever is on your mind, speak it or better yet, type it. I want this blog to succeed like a circuit rider on a Six Flags roller coaster. (...again, makes no sense...just like the pacing). It's still early...I need more coffee...

Just Passing Through

Caption Contest Winner #5

Chic and Gumbo both emailed me this morning with the results. They lost sleep. They lost weight. They lost their dog, Smarty Pants, and are offering a reward of $100 for the safe return of their best friend.

Click here to view the original post with all the other captions!

Baklava Koos Koos #4

I was riding my camel, Mazel Tov, when a thick fog surrounded me. I heard a voice from behind call my name. I turned and saw no one. As I dismounted, I saw a glowing man standing in the middle of two trees. When he spoke, I felt the hair on my arms stand up as if to listen.

"Baklava…Baklava Koos Koos…I am Philius, the angel of thick fog. Do not be afraid. I have come to give you EIGHT Clues that contain an important message. Interpret the hidden command correctly, and you will receive a brand new camel saddle complete with multi-colored blankets and an monogrammed water bottle made from the skin of the Saiga Antelope.

Wigs are nothing but false hoods...avoid them throughout your life.

Adam was the first person singular. The first thing he planted in the Garden of Eden was his feet.

Shadows are the only things that never cast a shadow.

Hay is grass ala mowed.

Fires make light of everything.

Eve was a wonderful first mate who kept her husband in stitches.

Eyes, if blackened by an enemy, are nothing but a pair of socks.

The mosquito is a small insect designed by God to make us think better of the fly.

You have the clues in front of your eyes
You may need help from some who are wise."

I figured this out within minutes. I know the answer...my problem is how do I interpret the meaning?
Can anyone help me with this?

22nd Century Time Capsule .001

Eddie speaking: This is what I have been sent from the 22nd century. It is a dialog that took/will take place between Spiffy Noofala (über-Arminianism and Pelagianism taken to the extreme) and Neo Sporin (Rock-solid Calvinism unchanged by time):

Spiffy: We have a nickname for you sub-human undergrounds, "C.Y.B.O.R.G.S.", an acro for Christian Yo-Yo's (because YOU believe in the ultimate UP and DOWN) Being Obnoxious - Relaying God's "Sovereignty". Your theology is SO not politically precise. No wonder your kind is banned from PDA. (Public Display of Adoration). You CYBORGS stink!

Neo: We have a nickname for you also…"Unbelievers". You claim to "believe" in God. But it's not the God of the Bible - it's a god that looks like you!

Spiffy: Nothing wrong with that! I am in love with my perfection and sinlessness. Heaven just wouldn't be Heaven without me. Anyone who believes in God goes to Heaven! My Bible says even demons believe! And they tremble with the anticipation of a Heavenly condo. Besides, everyone who has any sense knows that Hell is just a metaphor for bad moments on earth.

Neo: The "Bible" you use is a self-editing one. I have seen copies of the E.D.I.T Bible (Easy Does It Translation). It's a JOKE! You are able to change any verse to suit your mood at any moment of the day. Can't you see that is no foundation at all! The only Bible that is of any worth is the Holy Bible! And they are few and far between now that stores refuse to sell them.

Spiffy: My God leaves the translating to each individual. We are gods inside. We are all embraced by the divine light. You are a bunch of fools to think the Scriptures are infallible, inerrant, and verbally inspired!

Neo: Do yourself a favor. Find a copy of the ESV.3 somewhere…there are some used bookstores that might have a copy…and just READ the Gospel of John! That's all I am asking at this time. I will get back with you later.

Spiffy: To quote the prophet Joel Olsteen, "I will be HAPPY when my heavenly PAPPY makes me rich with my own self-esteem." I will read it when I feel like I need to, outlaw.

Eddie: This is all I have so far. I was told by the time capsule's "voice" that more transmissions will follow.

Letter Department

Dear Eddie,
I need your advice on this very awkward situation. There is a certain "blogger" who has a certain "theological world view" that I do not possess myself. I love his "humor" and his "cartoons" are funny but, sometimes he "preaches" a little too much on "five" areas of "doctrine" I don't agree with. I happen to attend the Okeedokee Free Will Baptist Church of Tupelo, Mississippi and would like "him" to read my new pop-up book: "I Ain't No Puppet and I Ain't No Robot!". Do you think "he" would mind me sending it to "him" and charging him for the postage?
Your semi-fan,
Ludloe Moots

Dear Ludloe,
I think "he" has already read your book. "He" picked it up at a garage sale last week. My advice to you is to do a study on Romans 9, John 10, John 17 and Ephesians chapter one as soon as possible! But, I must say, you have "inspired" me to write a pop-up book. A pop-up book to refute you own. Will anyone out there in Lala Land help me with a working title?

Mustache

The Journal of Cotton Adams #5

July 27th, 1737
One thing about my old horse, Calico, you can fall asleep in the saddle and he keeps on traveling. Well, this afternoon, I did just that. I woke up near the town of Crittermill to the sounds of singing and shouting! There was a big tent in the distance with hundreds of people jumping and hollering at the top of their voices. Seems there was a self-proclaimed "miracle-workin', preacher man" by the name of Willy Poppit. He had a hand painted sign outside the tent which read, "Man, I Cure! The Willy Poppit Power-on-High Heaven-Sent Anointed Revival and Mobile Library". Another sign read, "Snake Handling 101" and on the tent itself, someone had written in bold red letters, "Name Your Poison…and I'll Drink it!" Baskets for money were being passed around as the white haired figure behind the pulpit was barking like a wounded dog on a trail drive. I think he knew who I was, for he made his way down, looked me in the face with his wild-eyed stare, and said…"Yabba Dabba Doo and YOU CAN TOO!" Then he started bouncing around, slapping people on the head. I had never seen the like. Suddenly, a wee Scotsman came in playing the bagpipes and the crowd scattered like blind field mice at a cat convention. A fire broke out and cattle stampeded, tearing down the tent as it burned. I barely escaped with my life. A few hours later, I rode ol' Calico back to that spot. Sadly, I found Willy Poppit's body face down in a nest of rattlesnakes and a note that read, "I drank the poiso…" I have never been able to find out what "poiso" is. It must be some kind of liquid refreshment or something. I buried him by a weeping willow near Cockroach Creek. Even though, he was a tad looney, I hope to see him someday. Less wild-eyed and snakeless.

Blog Eddie-cut

If you think it is okay to "advertise" your other blog on your first blog
then click here!
If you believe it is best not to mention anything about it then please,
just don't mention anything about it.
Thank you.

Calvin Relaxing

Baklava Koos Koos # 3

I was floating peacefully on my back, down the River of Rhodan, when a voice came from a small cloud overhead:

"Memorize what I will tell you, then gargle with fresh salt water and the oil of Hyssop. When the next full moon occurs, you will find an albino camel drinking from the Marsh of Medeba. Buy it from the owner, a Bedouin by the name of Tobakki. In fact, buy the whole pack of camels. When you arrive at the Village of Valkilmer, sell them to a local merchant for twice the price. Then you will have enough moola to donate half to the School of Prophets and half to the non-prophet organization known as The Samsonites. You keep ten percent of the gross and buy yourself a new robe…or, at least, clean the one you have for crying out loud! I'll get back to you later...I gotta travel to the planet Mongo for a conference. Peace out."

Praying for a great year!

Just a note to all of you to pray and praise more this year! And it wouldn't hurt to read the Word more either! May God bless each and every one of his saints!

Deo Volente! Corem Deo! Soli Deo Gloria!

Coming Soon

I know this sounds unbelievable but, a time capsule from the 22nd century arrived in my backyard yesterday! I will fill you all in on the details of my discovery in the near future, after I examine the contents to verify if it is indeed authentic! So far, it seems that this "Spiffy Noofala" is a product of a user-friendly presentation of the Gospel taken to the extreme. He thinks he is a real Christian and he seems to be in the popular majority in the 22nd century. "Neo Sporin", on the other hand, is the real thing. He is a Calvinist, and among the underground Church of the future. I'll get back with you after I read more. Some of the jargon is hard to understand. For some reason, this time capsule contains both sides of the future controversy. Maybe together we will find out why.

The Journal of Cotton Adams #4

July 22, 1737
"The Preacher", as he preferred to be called, was a man by the name of Booder Butterbean, a tall, lanky fellow with ears the size of blacksmith anvils. I providentially discovered his unique ministry while on my way to Granville county. He had a wagon full of Bibles and Gospel tracts, and a portable pulpit he had built himself. He called it, "I Drive U Buggy - Evangelistic Ministry on Wheels". He had also made little cards he gave to all who wanted them. These cards were brightly decorated and printed on them were the words, "Verses in Scripture Applied". He said they were a reminder to memorize and apply to one's life...he called them "VISA cards". He started out with a song - "I preach from Grace-filled doctrines with a banjo on my knee". Then he cleverly used the acronym BANJO and molded his sermon thusly:
B - Bad to the bone
A - All the elect drawn
N - Nobody but the Bride of Christ
J - Just as irresistible as can be
O - On the pages of the Book of Life forever!


He ended his sermon with a banjo solo and a double backflip and the townsfolk received him gladly. I made my way to the front of the crowd, introduced myself, and asked for an audience with him later that day. Then I found a large oak tree and bedded down for a short nap. Shortly afterwards, I awoke from my slumber by Preacher Butterbean and a large group of towns people.
"Well, here I am Mr. Adams, and I brought an audience with me!"
His lack of formal education had an innocent quality and we became the best of friends. I was certain we would meet again someday soon.

Little Known Quotes from Spiritual Giants part 2

"Please shut the door on your way out!" - C. H. Spurgeon


"What smells in here?!" - John Owen


"I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam!" - John Calvin


"Could I borrow your lawnmower?" - Cornelius Van Til


"Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to yoooou" - A. A. Hodge


"You mispronounced my name again!" - Augustine


"I think I have a little bit of a fever..." - B. B. Warfield


"Let's see...The Chronicles of Nubia...no, Nagasaki...no, Neiman's..." - C. S. Lewis


"Oh no! I just lost another tooth!" - Thomas Boston


"No more buffets for me thank you." - R. C. Sproul


"I wish I could play the banjo!" - William Carey


"Anyone want some green eggs and ham?" - A. W. Pink


"Here I stand...just don't push my buttons Pope dopes!" - Martin Luther


"Anyone got some jerky?" - Jonathan Edwards


"I'm gettin' me a dog!" - George Whitefield


"See if R.C. wants to go to Wendy's for lunch tomorrow." - John MacArthur

Baklava Koos Koos #2

HEY! It's a lot easier to read when you click on Baklava!

Create a Calvinistic Cartoon Caption #5

p.d. nelson you did well son!
This time EVERYONE else came in second!
Thanks for making this the best Calvinistic Cartoon Contest yet!

Time again to strain your brain!
The winner will be announced on Friday, January 9th!
Even if you don't win a personalized certificate you still have the satisfaction of bringing a smile or a giggle to some of the frozen chosen! The judges this time are Chic & Gumbo! So, go ahead, Mr. or Mrs. Mirth, make 'em laugh!

Winner of Cartoon Caption Contest

The winner is pilgrim mommy!
Thanks kamelda, zack, postmillenial_calvinist, and pastorharold for your funny entries.
note to pilgrim mommy: if you would like a larger version of this certificate (suitable for framing) let me know where you would like me to send it. Thanks for making me laugh!