Thursday, December 17, 2009

A Letter From Dr. Foreman Chrysler

Dear Eddie,
I wanted you and your readers to know that I am coming out with a book entitled, "Death Row and Free Will". In this volume you will find my firm belief that free will is  more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings at a single bound, and if you look up in the sky, you may find yourself saying, "It's Super-Will"!
Let me explain. I believe that we are made in the likeness of God and so we have a free will. Which means we can freely choose good or evil. Just like...well come to think about it, God doesn't have a will like that. He can only choose good. Forget that last part and just accept the fact that it is BIBLICAL! ...okay, it's not actually mentioned in Scripture that way...okay, forget that part! Here's an illustration I once heard from a mysterious deacon who came to our church and never returned. (He may have been an angel for all we know):

Billy Barty is a man on death row. He is evil through and through. Hates everything and everybody! He will be executed at midnight. He is alone in his cell and can hear sixteen or seventeen prisoners playing their harmonicas. He has eaten his last meal, a Happy Meal with extra fries and a toy figure of Johnny Appleseed.
He has but thirteen minutes before he walks his last steps to the gas chamber and electric chair where he will get a lethal injection before they hang him. He starts to think about what Nipsy Russell once said. "Billy, why not turn your life around right now, before you are executed by the state!" Nipsy said that no more than five minutes ago, so it's still fresh in his mind.
Billy refuses to repent and is executed.
Billy opens his eyes and sees a light. He follows that light for half a mile or so. Then he hears a voice from above..."Billy Barty, use your free will to set yourself free! You can do it! It's the only chance you have...murderer."
Billy agrees and is now happy as a animated hamster in a plastic tunnel. His free will made him choose the right path.

Of course, in my book, I go into depth. But I think you will see my side is the best side, because I have built such a strong case. The book, which is bound to be a best seller, is published by Raca Publications and goes on sale in May.
Yours freely,
Dr. Foreman Chrysler

Dear Dr. Chrysler,
The only strong case you ever built was a mahogany book shelf. You should stick to making book cases and chairs.


  1. To be fair, I think Dr. Chrysler's case makes at least as much sense as those of George Bryson and David Cloud. Maybe more sense.

  2. Is he supposed to look like Mike Huckabee?


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