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The Journal of Cotton Adams #23

September 25, 1739

Performed a wedding today in the town of Flatbug where I joined in Holy matrimony, Sally Turnipseed and Dippy Montgomery of Liveriver, Ohio. Dippy is the inventor of the cinnamon toothpick and the pink flamingo yard ornament.

I discovered, at the reception, that Dippy was a distant cousin of a close friend of Jonathan Edwards' barber, Hedgehog Davis. Mr. Davis was the first man to give me a shave and a haircut when I arrived from England. I remember him as a strapping fellow, the town cut-up, who cut hair for sheer delight. A brilliant conversationalist who would always split hairs when discussing Calvinism and it's practical application to daily life.

I was informed, by Mr. Montgomery, that Hedgehog had been living on the cutting edge so long, that he went mad. I was relieved to find that he was crazy about the institution he now lives in.