Coffee House #6

This episode of Coffee House Confidential is brought to you by

the Bumper Sticker Study Bible,
Genesis through Revelation - One bumper sticker at a time!

(with sticky notes by Flavius Joe Cephas)

This week takes me to "City Sippers", a coffee shop located in Mudstump, Oklahoma. I had my mini-recorder microphone hidden at a table where two Christian pastors were locked in an interesting discussion. Let's have a listen:

Sam: I don't follow any MAN! I follow Christ! You see, I'm not a Calvinist OR an Arminian - I just believe the Bible! Besides, Paul condemns your divisive ways in 1 Corinthians 1:12...y'know, one says "I am of Apollos, another, I am of Paul..."

Dave: Paul is condemning the practice of putting God's servants on "celebrity status" which is a form of idolatry...and he is condemning a spiritual pride that looks down it's sinful nose at other Christians. The group that states, "I am of Christ" in that passage had a Pharisaical attitude of one-upmanship. Because men are prone to wander from God, following ANYONE who claims he is a "Christian" but, who make HIMSELF the authority over Scripture - who exhalts HIS name over the Lord Jesus Christ, or who demands obedience to his own interpretation is just plain stupid! Paul never did that and neither did Calvin!

Spurgeon said, "Calvinism is nothing more than a nickname for Biblical Christianity." He was spot on. Calvinism isn't adherence to a person, but to a set of beliefs which are rightly in accord with the Word of God!

Sam: The Bible is my map. I don't need someone telling me how to read it...including you!

Dave: To understand a map fully you need to know how to read it. That's why they print a "legend" on the map. It reveals more about the map itself. It helps you to interpret the symbols and explains what you are viewing in precise detail!

Sam: Who needs it? I never use a "legend". I just track where I am going and go.

Dave: Listen, Arminianism has taken the original map and blackened out certain highways and drawn in alternate routes that run contrary to reality! It has pasted their OWN legend over the right one, that in no way conforms to the facts! This is not only misleading, but an act of extreme arrogance as well!

Sam: I told you before, I don't follow a man. I believe man has total free will and that God sovereignly gave man the last word in his own salvation. He can vote yes or he can vote no. It all centers around what MAN will do with his choice. It is not up to God to decide. It left that in our hands.

Dave: Then you are not an Arminian - you are a "Harminian". You hurt yourself and others with your "God-as-cosmic-bellhop" propaganda.

Sam: For that, no more frappuccinos.

Dave: I was the one who bought the coffee, not you.

Sam: Oh yeah.

The Journal of Cotton Adams #21

September 15, 1739

Conducted the funeral for Mitzi Bloom, one of the greatest cooks this side of the Mississippi. Her baking business had so many faithful followers. They all had gathered to wish her the final farewell today. At her request I sang a song she had written to her two best friends and business companions, Tina Martinez and Marge Marginheimer:

Don't Cry For Me Marge and Tina:
It won't be easy
You'll think it strange
When I try to explain how I feel
That I still need your dough
After all that I've done
You won't believe me
All you will see
Is a gal you once knew
Although she was baking a pie
And several muffins and cakes

I had to let it happen
I had to bake
Couldn't stay all my life washing dishes
Looking out of the window
Staring out at the sun
So I chose cooking
Running around trying everything new
But nothing impressed me at all
Until I tasted your rolls.

Don't cry for me Marge and Tina
The cake walks will continue
Keep frying chicken
Make mashed potatoes
Serve hot with butter
Please use the skillet.

There was not a dry eye at the grave site. The supper afterwards was fit for Heaven.

The Journal of Cotton Adams #20

September 12, 1739

It was an honor and privilege to finally meet George Fitwheel, the famous Calvinistic Methodist evangelist today. His voice is remarkable and astonishingly captivating. I still get a chill down my spine when he says that blessed word, "Mesopotamia". He once was intreated upon to become a singer with the "Barnum and Bill Bailey Won't You Please Come Home Circus of the Stars" in Chicken Beak, New Mexico.

Mr. Fitwheel is also lovingly known as "Dr. Squirt'em" because of the irregular tear duct which will shoot an ounce to an ounce and a half of watery saline a distance of six or seven feet. (Ben Franklin measured this phenominan in the Spring of '37).

I have found George Fitwheel to be a very emotional man, and I have noticed that when he weeps, his eyes cross so extremely that tears flow down his back.

We go our separate ways tomorrow, but I have found in him a kindred spirit, a brother and friend.

The Journal of Cotton Adams #19

September 10, 1739

One former member of the Holy Mackerel Club, a very lean and lanky man by the name of Ichabod Spleen, had some unusual ideas for evangelism. One of which was to use ventriloquism to share the Gospel as if it were being communicated from a squirrel in a tree or a swallow resting on a leafy branch. I later found out he was quite insane as he explained to me how he was raised by lemmings.

September 11, 1789

Had counsel with a delightful fellow by the name of Dr. Jekyll this afternoon. He seemed to be a bit jittery at the end of our talk and abruptly excused himself. He made extreme haste in leaving and in doing so left his hat on his chair. Not ten minutes later, a Mr. Hyde barged into my room and demanded a bottle of whiskey and a box of cigars. I explained I neither drank alcohol or smoked tobacco. He grabbed Dr. Jekyll's hat and slammed the door behind him. I noticed he was wearing the clothes of the good doctor and informed the local authorities of possible criminal activity. They found Dr. Jekyll a few hours later behind the feed store, unharmed but clothes torn and dirty.

The Journal of Cotton Adams #18

September 2, 1739

I reached the town of Flavenfoofel in the afternoon. I stayed at the Dew Drop Inn and fell into bed, exhausted from a full day of travel. I visited the Flavenfoofel Friends Fellowship Church and heard a sermon quite innocent of meaning. No substance. No gospel. Just an attempt to make the members comfortable in their sinful practices. the pastor should have put out to pasture. It almost appears he has switched sides. His announcement of a visiting preacher for the evening gathering sparked my curiosity, for I have heard of this name in three of the last towns I ministered.

The evening sermon, by the preacher known as Max Crassman, disturbed me greatly. He is known by some as the "Cursing Preacher", although, a better title would be "The Cursed Preacher".

Is there no man of spirit belonging to this congregation? Why is such burlesque upon public worship suffered? Would it not be far better to pay this "gentleman" for doing nothing, than for doing mischief and for bringing a scandal upon the Grace-filled doctrines we cherish?

I will not repeat even a part of his "sermon" for I am commanded , by our Lord, not to even think on these things, but I will leave you my "List of Reasons" I have now successfully posted throughout this town. I have to confess, I was never more tempted to throttle someone in the "ministry" than I was last night. This was my way of satirizing the preachers position in his use of profane words:

Ten Reasons Why I Use Foul Language

1. It pleases mother so much.

2. It is a fine mark of manliness.

3. It proves I have self control.

4. It indicates how clearly my mind operates.

5. It makes my conversation so pleasing to everybody.

6. It leaves no doubt in anyone's mind as to my good breeding.

7. It impresses people that I have more than ordinary education.

8. It is an unmistakable sign of culture and refinement.

9. It makes me a very desirable personality among women and children and in respectable society.

10. It is my way of honoring God who said, "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain." (Exodus 4:12)

In this way I appeal both to common decency and common sense, which I am afraid is no longer as common as it once was.

Just for Laughs #17

Create the caption that would make an Arminian mailman laugh.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

First off, at 12:40 p.m. today, my wife's mother went to worship Jesus face to face. Please pray for my wife during this time when everything is hitting her rather hard.
I just returned to work from the hospital and gave my supervisor my two week notice. My wife and I will be leaving, August 12, to live in Kuwait.
God has opened the door for us to live there rent free. She will be teaching journalism and I haven't a job yet. I hope to give private cartooning lessons. Pray for my work situation.
My biggest question is "Who is praying for workers in this field?" There are a few churches there and they are packed to overflowing. When I was there last year, I saw a car with the Christian symbol of the fish. It is just against the law to try and convert a Muslim.
Because of my move (the container with a lot of our belongings was sent weeks ago) my blog may suffer a little. So far, I have been able to continue, without my Photoshop-installed computer, to add daily to my blog. You have probably noticed the many postings each day. That is to give the readers a lot to look through while I am in transition. I haven't been able to work on weekends and I have noticed a drop in readership and comments lately. So I would like to ask all of you to dig a little deeper in the archives and please do not drop your following.
Also, I may have to drop a few of my blog links, when the subject of Islam comes up. I will continue my blog there but, I may be monitored a lot more closely. I want to keep the humor going...after all, it is a humor blog. And keep praying...I need the prayers and you need the practice!
This is the hardest move we have ever made. It is a purging of sorts. I have sold, given away and will give give all my Christian books before I leave. I only took a box of my very best. I am dying to self every day and am excited to see what God will do.
And keep this in mind (and heart), whatever comes your way today is not an accident - it is a Divine assignment. Nahum 1:3 is a great verse. (they're ALL great verses - so read all the verses in the Bible before it and all the verses in the Bible after it) It says, "His way is in the whirlwind and the storm." When a storm is going on, all of your plans change. So, your day is really an ACT OF GOD. Look to Him who controls the weather. He is having His way in the storm, so celebrate wherever you are today. You have been trusted by God with an assignment from Him! Take time today to forget about yourself and experience just how awesome God is. Isaiah 6: 1-8, perhaps the greatest worship scene in the Bible, is a good place to focus. Read the passage...but pray first - you are on Holy ground:

1 In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple.
2 Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying.
3 And they were calling to one another:
"Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty;
the whole earth is full of his glory."
4 At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.
5 "Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty."
6 Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar.
7 With it he touched my mouth and said, "See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for."
8 Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?"
And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

Just for Laughs! #16

You know what to do. Get funny wid it.

This calls for a theological captionalization.

Mega Big Announcement Tomorrow

Circumstances being what they are. (God ordained) I will make the big announcement on Friday, July 24th late in the afternoon. Don't watch for a flyer in your mailbox 'cause it ain't comin'. Just jump back over here around 5 p.m. (that is, after you have jumped around this site a few times already...don't know if you have noticed or not but, I have been posting three or four times a day.) and see the headlines. Thanks everybody. You can return to whatever you were doing now. I won't bother you with another PRE-announcement.

The Journal of Cotton Adams #17

August 30, 1739

After eating venison jerky for six days, it was with great praise that one farmer invited me in his home for a large meal of corn, cabbage and beans well greased with fat bacon. His name was Homer Leeds and after dinner he revealed that he was a poet of sorts. Without seeing even one poem, I promised to give them to the first newspaper editor I meet on my journey. It was the least I could do for a man who had hopes of improving his family financial situation with his literary talent. As I waved goodbye and rode off westward, my curiosity got the best of me, and I started reading his poetry. I am afraid his works may never see print, except here, in my journal. All of his poems were lacking in skill, most written unintelligibly. Here is the only one I could permit a hearing (yet I will keep my word):

Hey Mr. Preacher Man

by Homer Leeds

Day-o, Day-ay-ay-o
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Day, me say day, me say day, me say day
Me say day, me say day-ay-ay-o
Daylight come and me wan' go home

Work all night on a tulip farm
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Planting tulips till the mornin' come
Daylight come and me wan' go home

Hey, Mister preacher man, preach me some election
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Hey, Mister preacher, what's the tulip connection?
Daylight come and me wan' go home

It's one point, two point, three point POEM!
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Song and a prayer and we
all go HOME!

Daylight come and me wan' go home
Day, me say day-ay-ay-o
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Day, me say day, me say day, me say day...
Daylight come and me wan' go home

A sermon on Def-in-ite Atone-ment
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Always brings us a Heaven-ly moment
Daylight come and me wan' go home

It's one point, two point, three point POEM!
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Off-er-ing then we speed on HOME!

Daylight come and me wan' go home
Day, me say day-ay-ay-o
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Day, me say day, me say day, me say day...
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Daylight commmme and me wannnn goooo hooooome.

Sounds more like a song than a poem to me. I am on my way to Possum Trot. Hope to reach it before the storm.

Letter with Theological Question

Dear Eddie,
I am a World War 2 vet who suffers from dementia. I was there when they bombed Pearl Bailey and helped Indiana Jones escape the Nazis. I also served in the Civil War (There was nothing civil about it) under the leadership of Oliver Cromwell. I stood arm in arm with Davy Crockett at the Alamo Bed and Breakfast and hid from Geronimo, during the Viet Nam war in Uncle Tom's Cabin. I fought ten rounds with Sonny Liston. I was wounded at Little Big Horn…or was it Big Little Horn, I can't remember. I have had significant memory loss since I went down with the Titanic two weeks ago. So my question is this: Did we exist before we were conceived?
Your friend in need of cash,
Max Platypus

Dear Max,
Yes. But ONLY in the mind of God.
Jeremiah 1:5 records God as saying, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart…"
Your friend who has no cash to speak of,
Eddie

Answering a Pig-Headed Arminian

Ever have a Christian brother or sister attack your Calvinistic beliefs? I'm not talking about someone who wants to discuss the Doctrines of Grace in a courteous, cordial manner. I'm talking about someone self-righteously ranting and raving. You know the type - they wear their "Free-Willism" like a clown wears make-up. They have semi-Pelagian ear plugs shaped like Charles Finney and never hesitate to use them. They try to force you into playing their favorite game - "Bible Twisting Hop-Scotch". This they learn from an over abundance of wimpy topical sermons that exalt man and place self-will atop Mount Sovereign.

Well, here is what to do.

Have cards made that have the first part of Matthew 7:6 on the front, "Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine..." As their volume continues to increase (and it will) produce some fake pearls (dollar store brand) from your pocket and gently cast them on the one squealing. At this point, they will stop and in that small window of silence hand them the "Swine card". The very politely invite them to a "pigs-in-a-blanket" luncheon.

It is important that you apologize immediately. Then you might hand them a coupon for 50 cents off a pound of bacon.

btw - the "pig-headed" reference in the title is not meant to offend kind, humble Arminians. Calvinists can be "bull-headed" sometimes. And Cal-minians are known for their "wooden-heads". So, go gently through that good night...and don't get too "heady" with your knowledge.

Links Within

For all who know this already...just wait outside while I make this announcement. I don't assume anything with anyone anymore. (I have been slowly learning this blogging thing since November of last year. I should know more, but I don't always care.)

You can click on the words and phrases below and it will give you all the series or similar postings the key word registers. For the Tulip and Grenade cartoons, click on "grenade", for The Journal of Cotton Adams, click on "cotton adams", etc.

Go ahead, try it. When I get time, I will try and improve on these. Thanks for listening.

The staff of Calvinistic Cartoons (which consists of one)

This photo has nothing to do with anything, really...

it's just interesting, thas all.

...and now, after testing it myself, I realize that THIS post will be in every one of the words and phrases I used below. I am a doofus.

Let me mention while I am at it, that the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT will be posted here next week. Lord willing. Stay tuned and please drive carefully.

The Journal of Cotton Adams #16

August 22, 1739

I have been in the town of Spittlefield for six extremely cold days. The people here are eager to start a church. A gentleman, by the name of Ludloe Harkins, came to my place of residence and offered me a piece of land. He said he was well aware of the need for a church in these parts.
On Monday, an article was drawn wherein he agreed to put give me full ownership of his plot of land, upon payment of two hundred dollars.
"This piece of land I offer is more than sufficient to build a small church!" He said loudly with twitching face.
I signed the contract and Mr. Harkins handed me a wooden box with carvings depicting events from the Book of Judges.
When I opened the box, I discovered inside a square foot of earth, not unlike a slice of birthday cake.
"What is this?" I asked.
"It is the piece of land you just purchased, sir." he whispered, twitching all the more.
"But, sir, you said I would be able to build a church on this ground!"
"Indeed, but I said a SMALL church!"
On my word, next time I shall inquire as to yardage in breadth and in length.
He then ran out the door, slamming it behind him. I heard a loud crack of thunder and upon investigation found only his smoking shoes, less than six feet from the entrance.
We buried his shoes in a used shoe box today in the Spittlefield Cemetery.
My sermon was "Truth or Consequences - The Ananias and Sapphira Story."

Just for Laughs! #15

We live in a mixed up world.

You can mix it up even more with

a great caption for this photo.

Jonah Crabby Prophet

There is a crab named the Jonah Crab. Like the Biblical prophet, the rock-hard crab is hardened to all external influences and must be forced to "obey". Here is a little poem about the prophet...not the crab.

Jonah - The Hardshell Prophet
By Eddie Eddings

God said "Go!"
Jonah said "NO!"
It was westward ho for angry Joe.
God made a storm blow
So the sailors would throw
Ol' so and so in the H20
Po' Joe sinko below
His ego swallowed by a giant minnow!

After three days...vomited on the beach
The gastric acid gave his skin the bleach
Uncle "Whitey" learns a lesson and is ready to preach!

"In 40 days - and God is prompt
This wicked city will get stomped!"
Then the pouting prophet with much agitation
Sat outside the city among the vegetation.

His expectation
Of a manifestation
Of Divine condemnation
On this Assyrian population came and went.
Jonah resented
When God relented
After the Ninevites repented

He wanted God to be cross!
He wanted to see blood!
He wanted God to nail them now!

...if he only trusted God for the
When and where
He might have understood the
Who and the how!

The Journal of Cotton Adams #15

August 11, 1739

One who had adorned the Gospel in life and in death, the deacon Vernon Smeengy, having desired that I should preach his funeral sermon, had instructions waiting by the way of a sealed letter. I went with a few friends to the house, which was filled with well nigh two hundred or more, and sang the song he had requested. As his body lie in peaceful repose, the church band, which consisted of fife, drum and upright bass started to play. They were there to accompany me as I sang this upbeat, finger-snapping, foot-stomping number. He desired to see it published and had me promise to record them for all to see. A man of my word, here are the words to his death song:

This old house once knew my children
This old house once knew my wife
This old house was home and shelter as we fought the storms of life
This old house once rang with laughter
This old house heard many shouts
Now she trembles in the darkness when the lightnin' walks about

Ain't gonna need this house no longer
Ain't gonna need this house no more
Ain't got time to fix the shingles
Ain't got time to fix the floor
Ain't got time to oil the hinges
Nor to mend the window pane
Ain't gonna need this house no longer
I'm getting ready to meet the saints

This old house is getting shaky
This old house is getting old
This old house lets in the rain and
This old house lets in the cold
On my knees I'm getting chilly
But I feel no fear or pain
'Cause I see an angel peeking through
A broken window pane

Ain't gonna need this house no longer
Ain't gonna need this house no more
Ain't got time to fix the shingles
Ain't got time to fix the floor
Ain't got time to oil the hinges
Nor to mend the window pane
Ain't gonna need this house no longer
I'm getting ready to meet the saints

Now my old hound dog lies asleeping
He don't know I'm gonna leave
Else he'd wake up by the fireplace
And he'd sit there, howl and grieve
But my hunting days are over
I ain't gonna hunt the 'coon no more
Gabriel done brought in chariot
When the wind blew down the door

Ain't gonna need this house no longer
Ain't gonna need this house no more
Ain't got time to fix the shingles
Ain't got time to fix the floor
Ain't got time to oil the hinges
Nor to mend the window pane
Ain't gonna need this house no longer
I'm getting ready to meet the saints

At the close of my sermon I asked, "If there be anyone here who knows any reason why this man should not be buried today, let them speak now or forever hold their peace."
We buried him, as per his request, in a casket shaped like the Ark of the Covenant.

Letter from Angry Atheist

Dear Stupid Eddie Van Calvinist,

I came across your site today and almost threw up my stewed tomatoes and pralines. I remember you from high school in Houston, Texas! I've always hated you! I'll dance on your grave!

Mojo Thomas

Dear Mojo,

In that case I'll be buried at sea.

Eddie

Strange Facts about Christian Leaders

1. Charles Haddon Spurgeon, the Prince of Preachers, lived on nothing but milk for the first few months of his life!

2. Although most of his works printed in America seem to prove otherwise, John Calvin wrote his books, not only by hand, but in the French language!

3. George Whitefield never visited the North Pole.

4. Jonathan Edwards never said the word "Kremlin" in mixed company.

5. Charles Finney had two heads! Yes, that's right! He kept the ugly one under his coat!

6. Neither Augustine or Charles Hodge used steroids!

7. J. I. Packer has never actually walked on the moon!

8. A.W. Pink kept a day by day account of his life that he never told anyone about and has never been found!

9. D. L. Moody, caught up in his fervent evangelistic zeal, was often seen talking to vegetarians.

10. Martin Luther, once on a garlic diet, lost ten pounds and eleven friends during his "Table Talk" sessions.

Arminian Anatomy Lesson #37

The "Finney" Bone

Not "Humerus" at all