The Case of Doctor R. Minian"Yes, yes..." giggled Doctor I.A.M.R. Minian. "My giant, super-intelligent robot will soon be complete!""Excellent, master," cackled E. Gor, rubbing his hands together with glee. "Then, once our time machine is finished, we can send him back through history to fight the evil Calvinists! His constant barrage of John 3:16 will bring even the most staunch to their knees!""MUHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!" Doctor Minian snarled, dancing around the bed upon which the robot lay. "EXCELLENT! EXCELLENT!""Not so fast..." a voice growled, out of the darkness."I know that voice!" E. Gor cried, jumping at its sound. "It's...it's...""Lock," I interrupted. "Sherlock. Holmes, that is. Thought you get away with your devious schemes, Doctor?""Leave my...my art studio, my laboratory, at once!" screamed Doctor R. Minian in fury. "Or...or I shall turn you into a pile of mucous!"Laughing, I drew my weapon, a Ruger SR40. "Destroy that monster, Doctor, and let Pastor James Michaels' daughter go, or else.""Or else what..." the doctor's underling hissed, as he inched towards a lever. "How's about..."Click! I jumped out of reflex as the lever was pulled, but the trap door was too large. Hence, I dropped into the Hall of Open-Theism, a dungeon hall with pictures of every remotely famous Open-Theist lining its walls...
Arminian Time MachineHarry Up here, to tell you of the giant event we have planned for you today. In an attempt to prove we have free will, famed preacher, Skip Dover, has volunteered to enter the time machine to go way-back and alter history as we know it. He will go to the time just prior to Paul’s trip down the Damascus Road, and delay him so that he does not meet us with Jesus, thereby causing Jesus to choose someone else. This will prove that we have free-will, and that Jesus always has a back-up plan. Skip, are you ready?Just a moment, I gotta blow my nose, I have a ton of mucous building up from a cold I am getting over. (Blows nose) There, that is much better.Okay, Skip, just step inside. Once in the chamber, you will no longer be able to hear us, but we should be able to hear you back here in our studio. Good Luck!(Sound of door closing, weird noises of someone traveling through history and that 60’s swirly thing in the background)THUD!Hey. what am I doing on this donkey? Paul, Paul, Why do you persecute me?Oh no! I did not get to meet Paul, I AM PAUL! Noooooooooooooooooo!(Back at Studio)Apparently we have lost our communication with Skip temporarily. We will make every effort to fix this as soon as possible. Seeing as how this problem was not in our budget, we will also take up an offering to offset the additional expense. Please give like a Calvinist!EPILOGUEEven though they took up a rather large offering, they never did re-establish communication with Skip. Unless you count the fact that Skip, who was now Paul, ended up writing most of the New Testament. Of course, shortly after becoming Paul, Skip lost all memory of being Skip, and of ever being Arminian for that matter. He did, however, get over that nasty head cold. And that, my friends, is my definition of sovereignty.
Woah...the top commentators thing went haywire...
What I'd give for a time machine right now. I have been trapped in this elevator shaft for the last three days. My giant print Bible is a few feet away from where I am pinned. I can't feel my legs any more because the metal beams crushed them after the explosion. I almost made it to my studio apartment when the building collapsed. I brought along a saxophone only to realize it was not needed. That word was meant for the last word challenge. What does it matter...my mucous membranes are covered in epithelium anyway.
A Special AnnouncementCalvinist Cartoons Studio announces the release of the motion picture that has reformed types riveted to their seats. More exciting and healthier than a box of buttered popcorn it's...Showdown at DordtStarring Eddie Eddings, Al Mohler, R. C. Sproul, and John McArthur. Our heros race against time in their Tulip pollen-powered time machine, armed only with a giant ESV study Bible, to save the Synod of Dordt from none other than Pelagius himself. This low-budget film is filled with thrilling chase scenes, obscure martial arts, heart-warming acting, and song and dance routines that will make your mucous membranes water. You won't want to miss this one!Tickets available at www.thiswouldbefunifthiswastrue.com. Church discounts available. Mention code: CORKY for 10% off tickets.
@Percy: You alright, mate?@Persis: Haha!
One day a studio giant, named Eloi Morlock, was wiping mucous off his time machine when he accidently hit the controls, sending him back to John Calvin's house. He couldn't believe his eyes! He asked John a question about predestination and John answered in French. Eloi Morlock knew not the French language so he understood nothing. He became a begger in the streets of Paris and sold little Eiffel Towers he built with sticks. Everyone laughed. Someone threw a saxophone.
Strange Tales of Superstar PastorsThere are four amazing things that can happen to pastors of Seeker and/or Emergent Mega Churches that would never happen to anyone else:1. They can be so impressive and clever with their words that prominent Calvinists mistake them for theological giants and invite them to their conferences.2. They can be led into TV and radio studios, where they are mistaken for experts on the Christian faith and pummeled with questions they are ill-equipped to handle (and give answers for which they will later have to apologize to their followers).3. They can be so theologically confused that their collected works amount to the doctrinal equivalent of a bowl of greenish-yellow mucous - neither substantial nor nutritionally useful, but still very warm and malleable.4. They can ride a time machine all the way back through Church History to re-define the boundaries of Christian Orthodoxy, and then out to the far reaches of eternity to speculate on what is going to happen out there - all the while ignoring the clear teaching of Scripture and declaring it's just a big mystery.Think hard, and you'll surely be able to guess the identities of these amazing superstars!