The Mystery of the Mad (as in, "Crazy") Melodious Melodramatic Medical MagicianThe name is Lock. Sherlock. Holmes, that is. I, a Reformed Fundamentalisty private investigator, was hired to look into the life a shady televangelist.Who, you may ask? None other than the superstar-statused, French-toast eating, hospital-emptying, saxophone-playing evangelist known as Benny the Hinn.The case began slow. I visited a "crusade" by said shady character, where, supposedly, thousands of people were "born again" and countless others were "healed." I waited a few months, then followed up on every individual I could find. Of the first group, most, who came Just As I Am, left just as they were, judging by their lifestyles.Regarding the latter group, almost every one still suffered from the same malady they had come with, excepts for a few who still had Benny the Hinn's hyper-emotionalistic spell on them.The case was going well, God was blessing, my client was happy. Then, one night......it started getting dangerous.
Interview with an Arminian Cal: "So glad you could meet with us today, especially after your stay in the hospital." Arm: "Yeah, I know, it's kinda dumb but..." Cal: "So our listeners are out there wondering, why did you have to go to the hospital, we heard you had a big crusade coming up." Arm: "Well I was makin' some toast, see, and I had the radio on, some dude named Mac or something or other was on, one of those big preaching superstars you know, and then I found out that he was...one of them..." Cal: "What's that?" Arm: "Them...those Reformed...p...people." Cal: "Oh you mean a Cal--" Arm: "Don't say it! Then after that I took a moment to play my saxaphone, I like to play "I Have Decided to Follow Jesus" a couple of times, it always calms me down after one of those Reformed types says some...anyway, well I forgot about the toast and it somehow set the newspaper nearby on fire and I torched my kitchen. Burned my hand as well." Cal: "Well that's a shame." Arm: "Yeah, I didn't get to finish the song on my sax." Cal laughs: "Oh, sir you have such a sense of humor!" Cal: "What happened after that?
A Day Like Any OtherOne day at the Saxophone Hospital, a superstar name-it-and-claim-it preacher named, Skip Dover, suddenly went up in flames. He was toast. Benny Hinn was flown in to heal him for a YouTube spot and fell down an elevator shaft. He was dead as a sea scroll. This story was pure fiction - it never happened. Really.
AN INTERVIEW WITH ROB BELLBASHIR: One mega-church superstar pastor has ignited a firestorm by suggesting that our response to Christ in this life is not the basis for our eternal destiny. Let me begin with this question regarding the recent tragedy in Japan. Either God is all powerful and does not care about the people in Japan, or he does care about the people in Japan but he is not all powerful. Which is it?BELL: I think it’s a paradox, and some paradoxes are best left as they are. Speaking of paradox, did you hear the one about the pair-o-docs who walked into the hospital emergency room backwards? Now that is a pair-o-docs who should be left alone. Yet they were a pair, so they can’t be alone. So it's a parodox. See what I mean?BASHIR: Are you a universalist?BELL: Let me put it this way, I like toast. Some people put butter and jam on their toast. I prefer syrup. Most people put syrup on their pancakes. I don’t think eating syrup makes me a universalist. Some people think toast is something you do when you raise your glass at a wedding. When Jesus said, “If you don’t pick up your cross and follow me, you are toast,” what did he mean? He turned water into wine at a wedding, but I am sure he ate breakfast too. See what I mean?BASSHIR: Uh, no. Do you believe that everyone will go to heaven regardless of how they respond to Christ in this life? Is our response to Christ immaterial?BELL: Let me use the analogy of a saxophone. Every saxophone has notes that can be played. Every song has different notes. Anyone can play the saxophone, but not everyone can play it well. That’s why radios have off buttons. Do you see what I mean?BASHIR: Nope. What do you say to those who say your use of Scripture is indefensible? That you have made the gospel easier to swallow?BELL: Did Jesus every say the word, “hell?” Be careful here, because Jesus didn’t speak English.BASHIR: How much of this book is you working out your childhood?BELL: Some, maybe. But we all have childhoods. You had one, Jesus had one. Mother Teresa had one. But Jesus never wrote a book, he just had books written about him. Now it is my turn. Who knows, this might get added to the cannon someday. Imagine the royalties Paul would have if he were alive today. BASHIR: Thank you, Pastor Bell, for your time.Off Stage Voice: Did that man bother you, Robby? Let’s go get some pancakes. We’ve had enough of toast for one day. Mommy will make it better...
@Spherical: That was awesome. "Want some pancakes?" Whoo! Anyway...
Spherica: Very clever!
Good work, mates!
These are great! I've got the best comic writers in the blogosphere "working" here at Calvinistic Cartoons! I am humbled by your talent and thunderstruck (which is a whole lot better than lightning struck) by your creativity.Let's do this again...and again.
Advertisement in Christian Astray:Where will we find America's Next Spiritual Idol, that superstar of stage, screen, and pulpit? Is he playing a saxophone on a street corner in Rabbit Hash, KY, or is she emptying bed pans at St. Lumbago Hospital? Or is it you?We're looking for that perfect combination of looks, personality, and style integrated with chameleon-like heresy. Send your resume and 8 x 10 glossy to:D. Screwtape1100 Dante's InfernoSuite H1Sheol 666[Disclaimer: If you are chosen and agree to our terms, your have forfeited the right to your soul. If you chose to break the agreement, you will be toast.]