Guns N Tulips

Heaven

Mime Utmost Forest Highest

Wesley believed that he could create a new ministry with motion only. His first silent sermon was entitled, "Now is the mime for salvation".

The Journal of Cotton Adams #3

June 16th, 1737
Quite worn from a most exhausting day of preaching, I felt the need to retire for the evening. Mrs. Plodmullet placed her hand on her husband's arm.
"Sir," she said reverently, "you may take your nights rest in the master bedroom."
"No need, my dear madam. A cot or hammock will suffice, I assure you." I protested in a most reformed manner.
"Oh, no...we insist. Besides, my husband and I have been sleeping on our roof as they did in Biblical times."
"But, your roof is diagonal. The roofs in the Holy Land were flat!" I asserted with all the Calvinistic plumb I could manage.
"That explains why we keep waking up in the bushes."
My cognitive powers ushered in the fact that they both had a few buttons missing.

No ER for EE

Thanks everybody! Looks like I will stay out of the ER...at least, according to the prophecy! 30 "followers" is nothing to sneeze at. Besides it's rude to sneeze at ANY number of members. Baklava Koos Koos appeared in my neighbor's dream last night and told him I should give him a twenty dollar bill, my watch, and a bucket of chicken. I hope YOU don't start dreaming about him any time soon... I can't afford it...

The Journal of Cotton Adams #2

June 15th, 1737

Taught in the home of local artist, Wooster Plodmullet this evening. Following the lesson, Mr. Plodmullet unveiled his recently completed masterpiece, still mounted on an easel. It appeared to be an untouched piece of canvas.

"How do you like it?" Wooster proudly asked me.

"Fine...but, what is it?"

"It represents the passage of the children of Israel through the Red Sea!"

"But...where is the Red Sea?" I asked.

"It has been driven back - as related in the book of Exodus, chapter 14 verses 21 and 22."

"And where are the Israelites?"

"They have crossed over."

"What about the pursuing Egyptians? Where are they?"

"They haven't yet arrived."

I began to realize his mind was as blank as the canvas I was viewing.

12 Days of Christmas (revised)

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Twelve commentaries,
Eleven Christian magnets,
Ten CD's playing,
Nine Kinkade paintings,
Eight maps of Joppa,
Seven books by Calvin,
Six Spurgeon sermons,
Five TULIP rings,
Four Christian mints,
Three Pink books,
Two Bible cups,
And a copy of The Sovereignty of God!

Baklava Koos Koos #1

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!
And don't forget to click on the picture for a better image!

Brace Yourself for the New Year!

JOIN NOW and keep me out of the ER

Last night I had a dream that I was dreaming about a vision of an Old Testament prophet that didn't make it into the Book. He was the prophet, Baklava Koos Koos, and he showed me a sign. It looked a lot like a "Yield Right of Way" sign but, it had written on it: "30 members by the end of December or UR in ER." Then he hit me on the head with a polo mallet and I awoke in a cold sweat!
I took this to mean that if I do not have 30 followers by the end of the year, I will somehow end up in the Emergency Room at Presbyterian Hospital.
I realize I had eaten some spicy chicken wings, a large pepperoni pizza, popcorn and a bowl of banana puddin' but, this dream haunts me even now...a mere five minutes later. So I decided to post this plea. If my dream goal of at least 30 doesn't happen...I will be writing this, as of January 1st, from the Medical Center in McKinney, Texas.
Of course, there might be a different "interpretation". If anyone can think of one, let me know so I can get some sleep tonight! I thank thee.

Spread the Word

Create a Calvinistic Cartoon Caption #4

pilgrim mommy you have won!

Be the first of 2009 to win the Caption Contest!

The funniest caption will be announced on January 1, 2009.

This time there will be a colorful Calvinist Cartoon Certificate (I'm workin' on it) sent to you via e-mail so you can print it, frame it, and place it on your wall. That way, if a thief breaks into your home while you are on vacation, he will see it and admire the fact that you have an award-winning sense of humor, and abandon his thieving way of life. You can rejoice in the fact that you have not only contributed to this site and brought many a staunch Calvinist a much needed chuckle, but you have done a service for your community and the neighboring counties within a fifty mile radius.

Submergent Church

The Journal of Cotton Adams #1

June 14th, 1737

I preached at Charleston, to abundantly more than the house could contain. The subject of my sermon was "Heavenly Horse Sense or the Ability to Say Nay". Some wag mentioned afterwards that he thought it was a very stable message.
As I was about to depart, a hairy, barrel-chested man asked if I would answer a question that has plagued him for some time. Without so much as a pause, he began to tell me, in detail, of his most unfortunate life. He told me incident after horrid incident. His wooden leg, it appeared, had acquired a nest of termites...he talked of his losing his glass eye during a hailstorm a mere two weeks before...he said his hair would catch fire during the monsoon season for no apparent reason...he sadly explained how his dog of eleven years had left him for another master...he mentioned how his entire forty acres of corn had popped during a heat wave last summer...he even ranted about his recurring dreams of golden plowshares and boll weevils.
After a full hour of his chronicles, I seized upon a pause in his loquacity...
"Sir," I implored, "what was your question?"
He cleared his throat, looked into my eyes, and asked, "What would you charge to perform a wedding this evening?"
"Ten pounds," I amiably replied.
He stared at me, emotionless, for what must have been three full minutes, twisted his tiny mouth and asked..."Ten pounds of what?"
It was at that moment I knew I was in the presence of a madman.

Winner of the Solid Gold Plowshare!

Click here to solve the mystery!

Eddie's Advice Column

Dear Eddie,
My husband wanted to look like Charles Haddon Spurgeon, so he grew himself a beard. Then, he just got lazy and wouldn't trim it. He just let it grow and grow. Now his beard is so big and bushy that I have to kiss him through a straw. What can I do about it?
Your loyal fan,
Fern Laganza


Dear Mrs. Laganza,
You can just be patient and wait. It might grow on you after a while...or, you can let him know that Beards A'Plenty pays ten dollars for every foot of beard. They have a ministry to the beardless somewhere in Idaho...if all else fails, you could take Biblical measures and let him fall asleep on your lap. Then do the trimming yourself.
Thanks for the letter,
Eddie

Pardon Me

The newest ministry of Robert Schuller which involves giving indulgences out to "celebrities ONLY" stems from his book, "Self-Esteem, the New Reformation". The only catch is they have to appear on his program and speak for three minutes...then, he, in turn, will bless them and assure them that there is a place for them in Heaven - no matter what Hell they raise while here on earth.  (please do NOT say I was cussing...Hell is an actual place - like Las Vegas or Salt Lake City)

Trivia Time part 7

It was neither Shemp, nor Curly, that was the original member of The Three Stooges - - - In a rare 1929 film, Ted Healey's original Three Stooges were Moe Howard, Larry Fine, and Norman Vincent Peale.


Masi Oka, ("Hiro Nakamura" from Heroes) was born with three arms. The special effects man, Klaatu Waterhoser, has to "screen out" the extra arm for the TV series. Masi has never gone to a Benny Hinn Tent Revival and Healing Kneeling Meeting, nor does he ever plan to.

It has already been stated that our shortest fan at Calvinistic Cartoons is Todd Wilkins at 3 feet, 11 inches. But did you know, the tallest Calvinistic Cartoons member is Vern Dailey, who measures in at a whopping 9 feet, 3.5 inches?

Mensa member, Marilyn Hickey, of television fame, helped to invent the RQ-1 Predator, a medium-altitude, long-endurance unmanned aerial vehicle system.


Enya the Irish singer and songwriter, who is Ireland's best-selling solo artist and is officially the country's second biggest musical export (second only to U2) was married to Edward Bullion Montgomery Face yesterday in a beautiful ceremony atop the slanted roof of the Crystal Cathedral. She will now be known as Enya Face.


Scientists used to believe that no two snowflakes were identical...now they have discovered a treasure chest in Greenland that was full of identical snowflakes. Unfortunately, the snowflakes melted when taken into the laboratory...you'll just have to take my word for it.

Cotton Adams Journal beginning soon

Stay tuned for further developments in this new series. This was a great surprise to me. With it comes great responsibility to post his writings. My great-great-great-(etc.) grandfather, T. Bone Eddings, had buried a time capsule, in the form of a metal box, on his farm in West Virginia, where Cotton Adams passed away. Cotton gave T. Bone his journal and asked him to bury it by the tree shaped like George Whitefield's left arm. I was given the box, containing his journal, on the anniversary of my appendectomy. I hope to share some of the entries with those who care...and those who don't.

Snake Rattle & Roll

They found out yesterday that two mischievous kids in the attic of the church were shining a flashlight into the pastor's face.

A local television station reporter asked a member of his congregation if they thought he was mad. The reply was, "No, can't say he is mad...but, he does get a mite upset now and then."