Sunday, December 21, 2008

The Journal of Cotton Adams #1

June 14th, 1737

I preached at Charleston, to abundantly more than the house could contain. The subject of my sermon was "Heavenly Horse Sense or the Ability to Say Nay". Some wag mentioned afterwards that he thought it was a very stable message.
As I was about to depart, a hairy, barrel-chested man asked if I would answer a question that has plagued him for some time. Without so much as a pause, he began to tell me, in detail, of his most unfortunate life. He told me incident after horrid incident. His wooden leg, it appeared, had acquired a nest of termites...he talked of his losing his glass eye during a hailstorm a mere two weeks before...he said his hair would catch fire during the monsoon season for no apparent reason...he sadly explained how his dog of eleven years had left him for another master...he mentioned how his entire forty acres of corn had popped during a heat wave last summer...he even ranted about his recurring dreams of golden plowshares and boll weevils.
After a full hour of his chronicles, I seized upon a pause in his loquacity...
"Sir," I implored, "what was your question?"
He cleared his throat, looked into my eyes, and asked, "What would you charge to perform a wedding this evening?"
"Ten pounds," I amiably replied.
He stared at me, emotionless, for what must have been three full minutes, twisted his tiny mouth and asked..."Ten pounds of what?"
It was at that moment I knew I was in the presence of a madman.


  1. I read this to the female. Unadvisedly, apparently. At the part where the man's hair caught on fire, she choked. She is still with us but her tea has been sadly displaced. Her own hair accidentally caught aflame once when she was setting fire to an apostate meeting place -- there's a reason they tell women to wear hairnets around heretics.

    I have a wooden leg myself. Actually a wooden spoon with toes painted on. I lost my leg a few years back in a fight with a pit bull. Fortunately it hasn't affected my mind.

  2. ...and it's a good thing it didn't affect your mind or your comments might be somewhat bizarre!

  3. Excuse me please, Eddie. I'm enjoying Cotton Adams' diary but I'm confused! I thought Cotton Adams was travelling through Charlestown in USA where the local currency was dollars. So to me "10 lbs of what?" seems like a perfectly reasonable response by the so-called madman.

  4. You have a point...wish I could explain what happen. I just post what's written without trying to "edit" any details. I will never be coined, "A Dirty Rotten Revisionist". I DO know Cotton came from a little town in England called "Worcestershire". There must be MORE to the story than what has been recorded. I'll do some more research...maybe, there will be an explanation sometime right before this incident. Thanks for pointing that out. I owe you three pounds for your perceptive comment.

  5. I just realized you can click on "cotton adams" in the label section and read all of them! Well, pull my teeth and call me Gummo!


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