Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you have heard the defendant's plea. He claims that, since he is totally depraved, he could not help himself and cannot be held responsible for his heinous actions. I ask you, nay, I implore you, to recognize the great truth of free will on which our country was based and to find this defendant guilty, guilty, guilty as charged!
Listen carefully, Jury members. I am defending the Devil, himself! and because he is totally depraved, he is not responsible for his lack of morals. So I am asking you to go easy on him. The poor deceiver is innocent I tells ya!
My guess is that some of you are totally depraved, some of you are partially depraved, and some of you are not depraved at all - unless you use your free will to criticize my opinion.
... and will prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt that the accused is a wanton serial paedobaptist from which even his own children are not exempted!
ReplyDeleteYou can see it on his face, fine people of the jury. The imprint of Calvin's Institutes, which he fell asleep upon while reading, plain as day!
ReplyDeleteAnd I intend to prove, once and for all, ladies and gentlemen, that THAT man -- Corky Velveeta -- is a time trav....HEY! Where'd he go?!
ReplyDeleteLadies and gentlemen of the jury, you have heard the defendant's plea. He claims that, since he is totally depraved, he could not help himself and cannot be held responsible for his heinous actions. I ask you, nay, I implore you, to recognize the great truth of free will on which our country was based and to find this defendant guilty, guilty, guilty as charged!
ReplyDeleteLawyer: Your honor, my client says he was predestined to commit the crime and because of that he is free from any moral responsibility.
ReplyDeleteJudge: Then I am predestined to sentence him to life in prison. Next case!
Listen carefully, Jury members. I am defending the Devil, himself! and because he is totally depraved, he is not responsible for his lack of morals. So I am asking you to go easy on him. The poor deceiver is innocent I tells ya!
ReplyDeleteThe jury is depraved! The bailiff is depraved! The clerk! The reporters! The judge! All of you are depraved! Is there no justice?
ReplyDeleteMy guess is that some of you are totally depraved, some of you are partially depraved, and some of you are not depraved at all - unless you use your free will to criticize my opinion.
ReplyDelete