CBS News....March 7, 1955. Harold Camping and his wife wait for the end of the world to come in an underground bunker. Camping says he found the date for the end of the world while reading the book of Exodus. But with little money and little following, the only two waiting for the end were Camping and his wife. The day passed and Camping says that he misunderstood what he was reading in Exodus and now says that a new date has been set for 1994.
"I keep reading the Five Remonstrances, but I don't know...sometimes I'm just not so sure about free will. Oh, Jackie, what if the Doctrines of Grace are right?"Worried, unstable Arminian.
"Oh, man, I can't believe I did it again! I lost my salvation and I can't seem to find it anywhere!"
"I spent all of that money on Harold Camping's prophesy and he was wrong. How am I supposed to fund him for the October campaign?"
Camping says that he misunderstood what he was reading in ExodusHe was RIGHT about THAT!
He: Honey, I have a confession to make...we've only been tithing on our income after taxes. I feel like I've let God down.She: Don't worry dear, I've been playing bingo every night at St. Judes down the street and haven't won yet. That should make up the difference!
Husband: "I ran into Art Minian today at work. We got to talking about theology, and soon he started railing against Calvinism. He told me I had the free will to be wrong."Wife: "What'd you say?"Husband: "I told him he was predestined to be stupid. "
I have given up all my worldly goods and now I am living in this crawlspace. Now, would you do me a favor, sister, and bring me a burger with fries and a Kindle 3G?
"Dear, you're never going to master This is the church, this is the steeple if you keep holding your hands like that."
"Four points, five points..what does it matter dear, when the real point is that you and I were destined for each other."
You have to watch this guy honey I was flippin channels lookin for QVC and bam he's got me hanging on every word! Are you for real it's Joel Osteen!
"I could just kick myself for wasting all that time reading Charles Finney's Systematic Theology when I could've been reading Michael Horton."
"I know, dear, I know...I need to stop enjoying getting called a stoic so much while talking to hedonists. And a hyper-Calvinist while talking about God not loving everyone...And not a Calvinist while talking about the fact that He didn't ordain everything..."
"Honey, I just learned that I'm related to Charles Finney, Jacobus Arminius, John Wesley, and Pelagius."Note: the husband is talking in both my captions.
And in this one."Dear, I was challenged to a JAM dance-off. When I accepted, however, my opponent starting throwing Jack Hyles books at me, screaming something about me making a god in my own sadistic image."
Husband: "Dear, we need to..."Chorus: "Buy da book!"
Man: "I'm having doubts about my Arminianism. I'm so afraid that God's going to make me do something I don't want to do. That can't be good, can it?"
Woman: "I could just kick you for wasting all that time reading Charles Finney's Systematic Theology when you could've been reading Michael Horton."
"Dear Pope John Paul II, I hear you've been beatified, so now I can pray to you, right? Okay, so now you've got a couple of miracles under your belt and I was wondering if you could work one for me too. I'm not asking for much, really. I mean, heaven is paved with gold, right? So could you send me a few pounds of the stuff? I mean, I'm no saint so I still have to go through purgatory... unless I had enough money to buy the indulgences I need."
I could just kick this guy for wasting all that time reading Charles Finney's Systematic Theology when he could've been reading my Systematic Theology.
...*click*...*beep* "You have reached the office of Saint-Pope John Paul the Second. Your prayer is very important to us, but due to a high volume of requests we are unable to answer yours at this time. You may hang up and try again later; or stay on the line and wait for an operator to assist you. "Thank you for praying to Saint-Pope John Paul the Second, and have a nice day."*click*...*beep*
Guys, Guys, Guys, once Persis enters the fray you might as well give up. She has a knack for these things and her caption wins hands down!Good job Persis!
What's this? Michael Horton visiting CC? I wonder if he's up for questions...
Must say, I'm loving the captions here, all of them.
These black and white prayers are getting us nowhere!!
Woman: "Yes, Martin, I'm sure you mean't to say 'Lord, please help my wife.' But what you said was, 'Lord, please give me a better wife'! So you can sleep on the same couch you're praying on!"Man: "And I thought praying together would really help our relationship . . ."
Well dear, I know that the Mars Hill "spiritual High Colonic" night wasn't as metaphorical as we had hope. But still, you have to admit...
I am ready when the LORD comes to get me. He is the only one and almighty who knows. Stand if you have to stand alone. And share with everyone what our God has done for us. God never promises us another second on this earth. I know this is now for laughs. God put this in my heart.
Just think, we could be gods in the next life and I coulda had like 10 wives!
I know you don't living with my mother, dear. I am sorry I just couldn't help myself. When Mike Murdoch started bragging about how someone gave him that fancy new car I just knew I had to sell everything we owned and buy him a house. Can you ever forgive me?
I'm gonna do it this time, I really am. I'm giving the pastor Mark Devers 9 Marks book.