Randomly-selected definitions from Dr. R. Minion's Dictionary of the English Language (In-Your-Face Edition):
Jam - An informal party held by Arminians when someone says the sinner's prayer. The Burly Baptist Baritones' best-selling rendition of "I Have Decided to Follow Jesus" is frequently played at such gatherings.
Mud - Often used by Free-Willer's in reference to Reformed theology; i.e. "Reformed theology is as clear as mud".
Rat - Synonomous with "Calvinist".
Web - A snare used by Arminian spiders to catch Calvinist flies.
I nervously gripped my cup of sweet tea as the party continued on. It had been a fine party, friendly, theological, but I knew the bubble would soon bust. Things were about to get sticky like a spider's web.
"Rat!" a man, the man I'd been watching, screamed to a young lady angrily in the midst of their discussion. Provoked, I stepped in between the two quickly, as I wasn't far.
"That's not a very nice thing to say to a lady," I told him, nonchalantly taking a sip of my tea.
He snorted. "Wanna JAM?"
"JAM?" I echoed. "What is JAM, my Arminian fellow?"
"Jamming Arminian Moves," he replied, smiling wickedly. "You know what time it is, Calvinist boy."
He snapped his fingers, and, instantly, the gigantic mansion room turned dark as a disco ball appeared, and music started. It was, indeed, time.
"DANCE-OFF!" my opponent declared. "EAT THIS!"
A peppy version of I Have Decided To Follow Jesus replaced the disco music, as the nameless Arminian began moonwalking in a fashion that "drew", as it were, John 3:16 on the ground. Applause broke out as he completed his move, but I only looked on in amusement.
"HOW ABOUT THEM APPLES?!" he yelled, clapping his hands together and throwing them above his head.
I yawned. "Observe, my man, observe. Pardon me, ma'am." Setting down my tea on a small table, I quickly drew two Streamlight Pro Tac 2Ls from the holsters on my left and right side, and clicked them on.
Gasps were heard as my plan was seen. I launched into my signature Romans 9 move, moving and "drawing" Romans 9 on the wall with the lights, them spinning all the way. Upon finishing, loud applause and cheers broke out, and my opponent, ashamed, left the room quickly.
Clicking them off, I smiled. "This dance-off's over."
Once upon a time, little Red Riding Hood was web surfing reformed blogs when her mother called her.
"Red, I want you to take this basket with jam and donuts to Grandma. Oh, let me add this reading material she loaned me."
Red put on her hood, and picked up her basket. When her mother handed her the books, she glanced at the titles - Good Morning, Holy Spirit, Health and Healing for Pomeranians, and a brochure for a pet ministry in Florida called Lifting Holy Paws
"Mom, what's this garbage she's been reading?"
"I don't know, Red. It feels like Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Just the other day I asked if she wanted to add some books to my order from Westminster, and she asked if they were selling videos of the latest kennel club competition. She hasn't been to church in a month, and she refuses to talk to the pastor. She's started leading some sort of women's study with the women in her senior community. But if this is what she's teaching them..."
"I'll see what I can find out, Mom. "
So off Reformed Riding Hood went through the woods, carefully avoiding the mud puddles, until she arrived at Grandma's over-60 community. Rather than going to the front door, she quietly walked around the back. Red could hear someone speaking on the phone, but it wasn't her grandma, it was a gruff male voice. She crawled under the kitchen window and listened...
"Yeah, the old biddy is fine. I have her locked in the basement. Just $7000 more from these gullible broads and I can skip this joint and it's Florida here we come! Pet healing, that's how the bucks will come rolling in. Hehehehe."
Red stood on tiptoe and peeked in the window. Seated at the kitchen table was a large, shaggy member of the genus canis lupus wearing her grandmother's peach polyester suit!
Red ducked down again, pulled out her cell phone, and called Pastor Woodsman for help. She then went around to the front door, just in time to join the ladies and assorted lap pets arriving for the "BIble" study.
"Grandma" wasn't too pleased to see her, but took the basket of jam, donuts, and books. After serving tea and rather lumpy crumpets, "she" launched into a presentation of the need for holistic animal healing. Suddenly the doorbell rang.
"I'll get it", said Red, running to open the door before she could be stopped.
It was Pastor Woodsman and a federal marshal.
The wolf let out a snarl and tried to run to the kitchen to escape by the back door. Fortunately he tripped on his skirt and was bitten by 2 chihuahuas, a rat terrier, and an overweight maltese.
Hauling him to his feet, the marshal read the arrest warrant on Cletus C. Lupus who was wanted for forgery, swindling, teaching heresy, and impersonating grandmothers in 5 states.
After the wolf was taken away in a squad car, Grandma was released from the basement. Her ordeal was a perfect opportunity for Pastor Woodsman to share the the gospel to the ladies who had been deceived by a wolf in Grandma's clothing. They enjoyed the jam and donuts with their tea, and lived providentially ever after.
"How DARE you!" The Arminian yelled. He seemed to be in quite a jam as he ran up and down the road, screaming and throwing toaster waffles everywhere.
"I can't believe you Reformed rats! What are you doing?" He chucked another toaster waffle at a passing mailbox. He turned to a lady passing by with a baby in a stroller. He stopped and looked down at the baby and screamed again: "What kind of sick web of deceit is this?!" He burst out sobbing and ran down the street toward the gymnasium. He had to get to the basketball court, somewhere that he could choose...oh, somewhere he could choose!
As he rounded the corner he passed the group that was playing some one-on-one B-ball and called his name.
He turned and looked at them, then burst out sobbing again and ran down the road. "They're everywhere!"
"I have decided, to follow Jesus, I have decided to follow Jesus, I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back...no turning back." He muttered as he ran for the gymnasium. Regrettably, as he was running and singing, he failed to see the mud puddle and when his vintage Finney sneakers hit them, he went flying forward and hit the sidewalk.
When he looked up and cringed and screamed in horror, then threw as many toaster waffles as he could at the wall in front of him, for the face staring back at him was none other than the face of John Calvin himself! "AAAAAUUUUHHHHHGGG!"
Off to the side, two young Reformed gents watched. "Maybe we shouldn't have switched Jeffrey's glasses with the lenses that had the John Calvin face on them...Hmm."
The other turned to him, motioned to Jeffrey, who was pelting the wall with his toaster waffles. "Why not?"
Michael wrote: "Off to the side, two young Reformed gents watched. 'Maybe we shouldn't have switched Jeffrey's glasses with the lenses that had the John Calvin face on them...'"
WORDPLAY
ReplyDeleteRandomly-selected definitions from Dr. R. Minion's Dictionary of the English Language (In-Your-Face Edition):
Jam - An informal party held by Arminians when someone says the sinner's prayer. The Burly Baptist Baritones' best-selling rendition of "I Have Decided to Follow Jesus" is frequently played at such gatherings.
Mud - Often used by Free-Willer's in reference to Reformed theology; i.e. "Reformed theology is as clear as mud".
Rat - Synonomous with "Calvinist".
Web - A snare used by Arminian spiders to catch Calvinist flies.
Good one, Inky the Rat! ;) I'm really asking for it, aren't I?
ReplyDeleteMaybe... :D
ReplyDeleteJAM MUD RAT WEB
ReplyDeleteDance-Off
I nervously gripped my cup of sweet tea as the party continued on. It had been a fine party, friendly, theological, but I knew the bubble would soon bust. Things were about to get sticky like a spider's web.
"Rat!" a man, the man I'd been watching, screamed to a young lady angrily in the midst of their discussion. Provoked, I stepped in between the two quickly, as I wasn't far.
"That's not a very nice thing to say to a lady," I told him, nonchalantly taking a sip of my tea.
He snorted. "Wanna JAM?"
"JAM?" I echoed. "What is JAM, my Arminian fellow?"
"Jamming Arminian Moves," he replied, smiling wickedly. "You know what time it is, Calvinist boy."
He snapped his fingers, and, instantly, the gigantic mansion room turned dark as a disco ball appeared, and music started. It was, indeed, time.
"DANCE-OFF!" my opponent declared.
"EAT THIS!"
A peppy version of I Have Decided To Follow Jesus replaced the disco music, as the nameless Arminian began moonwalking in a fashion that "drew", as it were, John 3:16
on the ground. Applause broke out as he completed his move, but I only looked on in amusement.
"HOW ABOUT THEM APPLES?!" he yelled, clapping his hands together and throwing them above his head.
I yawned. "Observe, my man, observe. Pardon me, ma'am." Setting down my tea on a small table, I quickly drew two Streamlight Pro Tac 2Ls from the holsters on my left and right side, and clicked them on.
Gasps were heard as my plan was seen. I launched into my signature Romans 9 move, moving and "drawing" Romans 9 on the wall with the lights, them spinning all the way. Upon finishing, loud applause and cheers broke out, and my opponent, ashamed, left the room quickly.
Clicking them off, I smiled. "This dance-off's over."
P.S. Have fun picturing this in your mind. ;-)
@Ink: Nice!
@Joel: A Calvinist with an English accent armed with Streamlight Pro Tac 2Ls and doing a dance-off with an angry Arminian? Awesome. Way awesome. :D
ReplyDeleteI wish someone would actually include a scene like that in a movie. ;)
ReplyDelete@Ink: Well, he's American, but he can have an English accent if you want him to. :-P
ReplyDeleteIt'd make a great parody. I'd gladly play the part of the Calvinist (I plan on buying some Streamlight products soon, actually).
@Joel: Oops. My mistake. I guess there was just something about his manner of speech that reminded me of a Wodehouse character. :D
ReplyDeleteReformed Red Riding Hood
ReplyDeleteOnce upon a time, little Red Riding Hood was web surfing reformed blogs when her mother called her.
"Red, I want you to take this basket with jam and donuts to Grandma. Oh, let me add this reading material she loaned me."
Red put on her hood, and picked up her basket. When her mother handed her the books, she glanced at the titles - Good Morning, Holy Spirit, Health and Healing for Pomeranians, and a brochure for a pet ministry in Florida called Lifting Holy Paws
"Mom, what's this garbage she's been reading?"
"I don't know, Red. It feels like Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Just the other day I asked if she wanted to add some books to my order from Westminster, and she asked if they were selling videos of the latest kennel club competition. She hasn't been to church in a month, and she refuses to talk to the pastor. She's started leading some sort of women's study with the women in her senior community. But if this is what she's teaching them..."
"I'll see what I can find out, Mom. "
So off Reformed Riding Hood went through the woods, carefully avoiding the mud puddles, until she arrived at Grandma's over-60 community. Rather than going to the front door, she quietly walked around the back. Red could hear someone speaking on the phone, but it wasn't her grandma, it was a gruff male voice. She crawled under the kitchen window and listened...
"Yeah, the old biddy is fine. I have her locked in the basement. Just $7000 more from these gullible broads and I can skip this joint and it's Florida here we come! Pet healing, that's how the bucks will come rolling in. Hehehehe."
Red stood on tiptoe and peeked in the window. Seated at the kitchen table was a large, shaggy member of the genus canis lupus wearing her grandmother's peach polyester suit!
Red ducked down again, pulled out her cell phone, and called Pastor Woodsman for help. She then went around to the front door, just in time to join the ladies and assorted lap pets arriving for the "BIble" study.
"Grandma" wasn't too pleased to see her, but took the basket of jam, donuts, and books. After serving tea and rather lumpy crumpets, "she" launched into a presentation of the need for holistic animal healing. Suddenly the doorbell rang.
"I'll get it", said Red, running to open the door before she could be stopped.
It was Pastor Woodsman and a federal marshal.
The wolf let out a snarl and tried to run to the kitchen to escape by the back door. Fortunately he tripped on his skirt and was bitten by 2 chihuahuas, a rat terrier, and an overweight maltese.
Hauling him to his feet, the marshal read the arrest warrant on Cletus C. Lupus who was wanted for forgery, swindling, teaching heresy, and impersonating grandmothers in 5 states.
After the wolf was taken away in a squad car, Grandma was released from the basement. Her ordeal was a perfect opportunity for Pastor Woodsman to share the the gospel to the ladies who had been deceived by a wolf in Grandma's clothing. They enjoyed the jam and donuts with their tea, and lived providentially ever after.
The End.
The Face
ReplyDelete"How DARE you!" The Arminian yelled. He seemed to be in quite a jam as he ran up and down the road, screaming and throwing toaster waffles everywhere.
"I can't believe you Reformed rats! What are you doing?" He chucked another toaster waffle at a passing mailbox. He turned to a lady passing by with a baby in a stroller. He stopped and looked down at the baby and screamed again: "What kind of sick web of deceit is this?!" He burst out sobbing and ran down the street toward the gymnasium. He had to get to the basketball court, somewhere that he could choose...oh, somewhere he could choose!
As he rounded the corner he passed the group that was playing some one-on-one B-ball and called his name.
He turned and looked at them, then burst out sobbing again and ran down the road. "They're everywhere!"
"I have decided, to follow Jesus, I have decided to follow Jesus, I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back...no turning back." He muttered as he ran for the gymnasium. Regrettably, as he was running and singing, he failed to see the mud puddle and when his vintage Finney sneakers hit them, he went flying forward and hit the sidewalk.
When he looked up and cringed and screamed in horror, then threw as many toaster waffles as he could at the wall in front of him, for the face staring back at him was none other than the face of John Calvin himself! "AAAAAUUUUHHHHHGGG!"
Off to the side, two young Reformed gents watched. "Maybe we shouldn't have switched Jeffrey's glasses with the lenses that had the John Calvin face on them...Hmm."
The other turned to him, motioned to Jeffrey, who was pelting the wall with his toaster waffles. "Why not?"
@Joel: When I saw the title, I about died laughing. The story was just as good.
ReplyDelete@Persis & Michael: Love it!
ReplyDelete@Michael: It was fun to write. :-D
@Persis: I think I like your version of Red Riding Hood better than the original! :)
ReplyDeleteMichael wrote: "Off to the side, two young Reformed gents watched. 'Maybe we shouldn't have switched Jeffrey's glasses with the lenses that had the John Calvin face on them...'"
ReplyDeleteI about died laughing when I read that! :)
@Inkslinger: When I thought of someone to do this too, this video came to mind: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mj00ii1BLV8
ReplyDeleteHence, the toaster waffles.
I'm glad that the art of zany Calvinist humor is being carried on by the next generation.
ReplyDeleteWell done, gentlemen!
I agree, Persis. Maybe we will see another Calvinist humor blog someday soon.
ReplyDelete