Thursday, January 31, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Falling in love is like riding a bike. There's always a chance you might get run over.
The worst part about sharing a name with someone famous is I'm always telling people, no, I'm not THAT Batman.
I'm more confused than a circular pizza in a square box, cut into triangular slices.
I think that we can all agree that the best way to load the dishwasher is the way you do it.
Forgetful? Can't remember where you put things? There's an app for that, somewhere...
I only rap caucasianally.
Yawning is your body's way of saying 20% of battery remaining.
True or false: Jeremy Irons.
Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don't even know it.
I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and John Piper said, "Don't waste your life, Eddie!"
When someone texts 'ROFL' I always imagine Scooby-Doo trying to say 'waffle'.
I'm ready to replace Congress with the Jedi Council.
Monday, January 28, 2013
You think you have it bad. I got addicted to placebos.
Puns are bad, but poetry is verse.
Until the Iraq War, most of us thought Sunni and Shia were the Sixties duo who had the hit 'I Got You Babe.'
I have lived for weeks on nothing but food and drink.
I am having an out of money experience.
When God created the earth, He included His "art" in the middle of it all. The "earth" without "art" is just "eh."
I ordered a whole duck at the Chinese restaurant last night! It was great until I got to the bill.
It’s a small world but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7. He replied "I still love Vista, baby".
Last night I dreamed I was writing 'Lord of the Rings'. Turns out I was Tolkien in my sleep.
It's a little known fact that 'the tan' became popular during what is known as the Bronze Age.
I was thrilled when I got my ant farm in the mail. I took good care of my ants, but one day I noticed one little ant sort of despondent. I couldn't cheer him up. I even bought him a tiny little tractor so he could farm better. Nothing worked. Then, the next day I woke up and found that he had committed insecticide.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Just had my yearly checkup at the Green Cross... Turns out I'm colorblind!!
I was playing my air guitar and accidentally woke up a mime.
Balloon animal stew tastes like rubber chicken.
Cereal is like pet food for humans.
If you wake up feeling funny, you should call in shtick.
I think my computer has a virus. Pretty sure it's about to toss it's cookies.
To err is hunam.
I remember that Paul McCartney song like it was Yesterday.
That awkward moment when a Zombie is looking for brains and it walks right past you.
I may not be the smartest guy in the room, but I’m not the best looking either. Not sure where I was going with this.
All my friends keep telling me to never succumb to peer pressure. So I'm going to take their advice and not listen to them.
Friday, January 25, 2013
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy… to go.
I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.
One day I would like to hit the refresh button and actually feel refreshed.
The days of good grammar has went.
I hate being left out almost as much as I hate being included.
I used to like the mirror that I had in 2002 much more than the one I have now.
Life is the original limited-time offer
Turns out company doesn't love misery.
Do mimes observe a brief moment of talking when a fellow mime passes away?
Found some chips in the bag of air I just bought.
It appears someone invited a lot of old people to my high school reunion.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Lazy People Fact # 98273154904: You were too lazy to read that number.
Turns out, pounding a wooden stake through a vampire's heart works even if the guy's not a vampire.
If you're planning to teach your children the value of a dollar, you better hurry up.
Not knowing the difference between patronizing and condescending is nothing to worry your silly little self about.
The closest I get to multitasking is ignoring more than one thing at a time..
In order to catch a bus, first one must think like a bus.
When your eyes deceive you, that's fibber optics..
Apparently towels are the biggest cause of dry skin.
People say 60 is the new 40...the cop that pulled me over this morning disagreed.
I'm not afraid to admit that I'm not the sharpest elevator in the sea.
Hanging is the number one cause of death for stick figure people.
I'm not sure which pants to wear today - smarty or fancy?
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Monday, January 21, 2013
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Sunday, January 20, 2013
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Friday, January 18, 2013
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
I have a black eye in karate.
A paper cut is a tree's last revenge.
I stop my microwave at 0:01 to feel like I'm a bomb defuser.
I'm waiting for Congress to declare chocolate a vegetable. It comes from a plant.
Popcorn is probably my favorite food that explodes before you eat it.
I never win at Scrable.
I have costraphobia, the fear high prices.
The barman says "we don't serve time travellers here". A time traveller walks into a bar.
Hey, to whoever invented the zero: Thanks for nothing.
The "check engine" light came on, so I did. Yep. Still there.
"I" before "e" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"
High-wire artists hate it when their cable goes out.
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don't understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
I don't just have issues. I have a subscription.
When food falls on the floor, the Little Germs scream "Let's get it!" while the Mama Germ says "No, we must wait five seconds."
I used to wonder what it was like to read people's minds But now that I have a Facebook account I'm over it
I always thought by 2013 we would have flying cars. Instead, we have Angry Bird iPhone cases.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
My brain is like a clown car for crazy ideas.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Friday, January 11, 2013
Peter Hitchens, brother of prominent atheist Christopher Hitchens, chronicles his personal journey through disbelief into a committed Christian faith.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Monday, January 7, 2013
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Many thanks and 7 grand to Granny Davis for sending in this 1927 ad. Story goes, when Corky saw this ad in the newspaper, he took the Chrysler executive to court and had this automobile taken off the market. Thus, saving the lives of many Calvinists who might be walking in front of one of these contraptions. The Velveeta vs Chrysler case in well documented - but not on Google for some odd reason.