Where have the boys all gone? I guess it's still Sunday evening in the Us - You must be in church!
Dear Eddie,This one is much too difficult. I don't think it can be done. Besides, I am not going to attempt to fly solo on this. I awoke with such a monster headache that I am starting to see things. My son's toy Corky Velveeta just winked at me. I'm going back to bed!
Cal and the Monster of Freeville“Oh no,” Cal puffed as he ran through the woods, “It’ll catch me for sure.” The smell of the terrible swamp was overwhelming, every tree hanging low, and the wet, muddy ground slipping out from under him.His red cloak flew behind him, the sword that was usually tight to his thigh was flying loose in the air as he ran. He remembered when his father had given him the sword as a gift before he went off to war. He had winked and admonished: “This is not a toy, Cal, not as if I have to tell you that.” He had been proud on that day as his son went out to fight for the king and for the faith. The slippery mud threatened to throw him over, but he resisted, clutching his copy of the Institutes close to his chest. He stopped to catch his breath and listened, and could hear the monster in the distance, rumbling footsteps of an inexhaustible being, bent on devouring those of the Reformed faith. The awful stench of the corpses it had eaten come from it’s breath, along with the sickly sweet smell of the Jell-O Martin Luther molds it eats daily. The monster wasn’t flying solo either, no, it was being accompanied by Jacobus Finney, a man with sharp, piercing eyes, and every Arminian argument ready to be unleashed in a merciful verbal assault constantly accompanied by John 3:16 and 2 Peter 3:9. Not only that, no, it was said that in the dungeons of Freeville castle, they recited the five remonstrances by the hour. Every tulip for a hundred mile’s radius was stomped underfoot by their soldiers. Right when Cal was about to run off again, he paused, and knew it was too late. An arrow with 1 John 2:2 engraved on it flew by his ear and landed in a tree. A note was taped to it, and he knew what it said, the same thing they all said: “This arrow was shot of my own free will.” Cal quickly drew his sword and ducked down, right as the Arminian warrior jumped out of a tree. “Aha, Cal! I have you now!” His sword came down—--but was quickly blocked by Cal’s. “Methinks it was ordained that you don’t!” “Perhaps I was ‘predestined’ to kill you!” “Not today, it’ll be a day when the Doctrines of Grace don’t make sense that you kill me!” “Then today you die!” Jacobus argued. “If God will’s it!” Cal countered. “If my monster wills it! Come here, rise my pretty, rise!” Finney laughed maniacally. From beneath the ground there was a great rumbling, and Cal saw two arms break out of the dirt and a monster with the face of John Wesley emerge. “Rise, precious, rise! Feast on Reformed flesh! Then, we will get your Jell-O mold!” Cal stood before the beast, and prepared to drive his blade within, the beast glaring down at him, and especially his copy of the Institutes. Cal drew pulled back his sword, “If Thou wilt!” Then plunged forward into battle. That's my try.
@Helen Yes it's still Lord's Day evening here. Services were good today. Happy Memorial Day.
Rob Bell looked the monster of Hoth square in the face. "You won't really eat me!" he yelled triumphantly. "Because, in the end, love wins! You'll ultimately be smitten by my charm and follow me around like a giant white furry fanged poodle!"The monster of Hoth thought about this for a moment. Then he tore Rob limb from limb and ate him.Han Solo winked knowingly, and twirled his blaster like a toy, as he made fast tracks out of the fiend's cave. "He shoulda shot first, I tells ya."
@Michael: Awesome!@Ink Slinger: Well...that was cheerful. :-P
Dance-Off 2.0Time: 10:32 P.M.Place: The Whitefield Mansion"Watch it, Reformed boy scout!" growled the Arminian millionaire, pushing me back as I stepped in due to his insulting Miss Whitefield."James, really, it's not important..." Evelyn told me."Ahh, but it is! I have encountered his kind before, as you know. I speak their language now...""'Their language'?" echoed the burly blackguard, snorting. "Yeah. Right. You need to get a knowledge fix, loser-boy.""Tell me, mate," I chuckled, noticing he was a bit surprised at my usage of an Australian word and accent, "do you know how to JAM?"His eyes widened, and he winked. "You weren't joking, then...""There are some things you don't play around with. Now...are you ready, or not?"He smiled wickedly. "You're going down, turtle-boy.""I like turtles!""BAH!" he screamed. "GET A WHIFF OF THESE APPLES, HOLMES!"A frightening disco version of More Like Falling in Love started up as the lights went out and a group of disco balls came down from the ceiling. Laughing like the sick monster he was, the fiend drew two Fenix flashlights from under his jacket, no sign of fear in his eyes. Clicking them on in the brightest setting, he began an acrobatic 'spelling' of "Free-Will Wins", jumping this way and that, lights spinning. In a little over a minute, he was finished."TRY THOSE TULIPS ON FOR SIZE, MISTER NO-FREE-WILL!" he screamed, throwing his lights up in the air, doing a backflip, and catching them as they came down. Clapping erupted, and continued for about a minute, as he bobbed to the music, moonwalk 'spelling' "Free-Will Wins" on the carpet. Almost everyone was enthralled with his grand performance, as the applause increased in volume. He smiled wide as the music stopped, and pointed both the lights."And what track do you choose, James old boy?" he cackled, clicking off his lights."Amazing Grace," I replied, smiling. "Now...""HAN SOLO COULD JAM BETTER THAN YOU!" the psycopath screamed, causing a few of the easily swayed individuals to laugh. "YOU AIN'T GOT THE SKILLS! YOU AIN'T GOT NOTHING! GO HOME AND BREAK OPEN YOUR TOY BOX, PLAY WITH YOUR REFORMER ACTION FIGURES! BAH!!!""How did this nut get invited?" I whispered to Evelyn as I reached for my Maglite XL50s."I don't know," she answered. "It's not the same one as at the last party...""Indeed, this one is more skilled. But not enough!"My weapons drawn, I clicked them on in my usual strobe mode, thus causing (not directly, of course) the music to start. Taking a deep breath, I began. It was time to JAM (Jamming Arminian Moves).I started out slow, and began 'spelling' "Sovereignty", walking slowly toward one of the walls of the massive room. That's when things got totally JAMming.About ten feet from the wall, I began to run, having only spelled "Sov" out in my performance. However, I then hopped onto the wall, and jumped back and forth, back and forth, spelling out the remaining letters. Many gasps were heard as I completed this feat, dozens having already expressed their surprise.As I came back over to Evelyn and the music ended, the crowd went wild. I smiled and clicked off my lights, looking sharply at my opponent."Well, how was that?" I inquired, flashing a toothy smile.When all the words had left my mouth, he took off, sobbing, screaming loudly, "LOVE WINS!"Note: These men are professionals. If you attempt these feats, it may cause extreme injury. It is better to watch and enjoy then attempt and suffer.
Michael'solo effort was able to toy with the combined monster onslaught of his friends and rivals Ink and Joel upon "Love Wins". I winked with particular amusement at the phrase "the beast glaring down at him, and especially his copy of the Institutes"!
Larry the Cucumber Exits VeggiTalesfrom the May 30, 2011 edition of Uniformity WeeklyThe entertainment world was rocked this week by the abrupt retirement of Larry the Cucumber, co-star of The VeggieTales. Since his rise to stardom in 1993, Larry's popularity with the public was phenomenal resulting in lucrative merchandising contracts for toys and even designer apparel. The official studio press release stated that the cucurbit was returning to his Idaho soybean ranch for sabbatical, taking a much needed break from his fast-paced life with the hope of returning to the show in the future. However, all may not be well in the crisper drawer. A secret source leaked this shocking email from Larry to an unknown recipient:"After wrestling with my conscience, I don't know if I can go with this self-esteem stuff. Our viewers aren't little angels (more like little monsters) due to their depravity. As a society, we've winked at sin too long, and the solution isn't to be good and hear how great we are, it's the gospel which we're not telling."At today's press conference, the producers refused to answer questions regarding Larry's sudden theological misgivings. When confronted with the rumor that "The Doctrine of Human Depravity" by A. W. Pink was seen in the cucumber's dressing room, the question was ignored. When asked point blank whether Larry was now a Calvinist, the producers ended the press conference by leaving the room.As to whether Bob the Tomato will carry the show solo, we can only speculate. The latest buzz is that several up-and-coming kohlrabi, radicchio, jalapeno peppers, and a daikon radish were being auditioned due to criticism of the show's lack of ethnic diversity.
@Inkslinger:"He shoulda shot first". HAH!
I'm not just saying this...I'm typing this as well...These were all top-of-the-line stories! You guys (and gals) amaze me! You'll get plenty more opportunities when I leave for vacation.
@Joel: That was one of the greatest cheesy Arminian Dance-off's I've ever read. And...the..only...other one. But well, that's cool! Start a trend! :-D
@Inkslinger: ALternate Star Wars History? Nice work, mon ami. Liked the Han Solo line at the end.
@Persis: When I saw the title I laughed, when I saw the A. W. Pink book title apparently in the cucumbers dressing room, I about died. Excellent work.
@Persis: Love it!@Michael: Glad you enjoyed it. The RWWC rocks!
Well done, gentlemen.I also think Helen should get a prize for her clever response using the other comments.
Thanks Persis, but I'm not in your league, nor that of the young gentlemen!I think you win again as usual! (Love the challenge to the self-esteem gospel!)