Finney Coffee Shop Fail

(from August of 2010 with modifications)

Try a Laffe this year!

The Witness

1935 Finney Coffee Shop

Before Espresso there was Finney.

Coffee House #6

This episode of Coffee House Confidential is brought to you by

the Bumper Sticker Study Bible,
Genesis through Revelation - One bumper sticker at a time!

(with sticky notes by Flavius Joe Cephas)

This week takes me to "City Sippers", a coffee shop located in Mudstump, Oklahoma. I had my mini-recorder microphone hidden at a table where two Christian pastors were locked in an interesting discussion. Let's have a listen:

Sam: I don't follow any MAN! I follow Christ! You see, I'm not a Calvinist OR an Arminian - I just believe the Bible! Besides, Paul condemns your divisive ways in 1 Corinthians 1:12...y'know, one says "I am of Apollos, another, I am of Paul..."

Dave: Paul is condemning the practice of putting God's servants on "celebrity status" which is a form of idolatry...and he is condemning a spiritual pride that looks down it's sinful nose at other Christians. The group that states, "I am of Christ" in that passage had a Pharisaical attitude of one-upmanship. Because men are prone to wander from God, following ANYONE who claims he is a "Christian" but, who make HIMSELF the authority over Scripture - who exhalts HIS name over the Lord Jesus Christ, or who demands obedience to his own interpretation is just plain stupid! Paul never did that and neither did Calvin!

Spurgeon said, "Calvinism is nothing more than a nickname for Biblical Christianity." He was spot on. Calvinism isn't adherence to a person, but to a set of beliefs which are rightly in accord with the Word of God!

Sam: The Bible is my map. I don't need someone telling me how to read it...including you!

Dave: To understand a map fully you need to know how to read it. That's why they print a "legend" on the map. It reveals more about the map itself. It helps you to interpret the symbols and explains what you are viewing in precise detail!

Sam: Who needs it? I never use a "legend". I just track where I am going and go.

Dave: Listen, Arminianism has taken the original map and blackened out certain highways and drawn in alternate routes that run contrary to reality! It has pasted their OWN legend over the right one, that in no way conforms to the facts! This is not only misleading, but an act of extreme arrogance as well!

Sam: I told you before, I don't follow a man. I believe man has total free will and that God sovereignly gave man the last word in his own salvation. He can vote yes or he can vote no. It all centers around what MAN will do with his choice. It is not up to God to decide. It left that in our hands.

Dave: Then you are not an Arminian - you are a "Harminian". You hurt yourself and others with your "God-as-cosmic-bellhop" propaganda.

Sam: For that, no more frappuccinos.

Dave: I was the one who bought the coffee, not you.

Sam: Oh yeah.

Links Within

For all who know this already...just wait outside while I make this announcement. I don't assume anything with anyone anymore. (I have been slowly learning this blogging thing since November of last year. I should know more, but I don't always care.)

You can click on the words and phrases below and it will give you all the series or similar postings the key word registers. For the Tulip and Grenade cartoons, click on "grenade", for The Journal of Cotton Adams, click on "cotton adams", etc.

Go ahead, try it. When I get time, I will try and improve on these. Thanks for listening.

The staff of Calvinistic Cartoons (which consists of one)

This photo has nothing to do with anything, really...

it's just interesting, thas all.

...and now, after testing it myself, I realize that THIS post will be in every one of the words and phrases I used below. I am a doofus.

Let me mention while I am at it, that the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT will be posted here next week. Lord willing. Stay tuned and please drive carefully.

Coffee House #5

This episode of Coffee House Confidential is brought to you by
Chic & Gumbo Coffee Creamer,

the coffee creamer that tastes just like coffee!

This week takes me to "The Same Ol' Grind", a coffee shop located in Beanbag, Colorado. I had my mini-recorder microphone hidden at a table where two Christians were conversing.

Ray: Our church attendance has increased exponentially since our pastor started preaching from the local TV guide!

Ben: This is a joke...right?

Ray: No! I'm dead serious! Last Sunday he preached a sermon based on "Lost". I think he called it "The Gospel According To John Locke". You should have heard his series on "The Fringe"! It was powerful!

Ben: What about the Bible? Don't you think that would be a better source for truth?

Ray: Hold on Ben...don't get all "fundy" on me. He uses the Bible! It's just that since pastor Nick is basically an evangelist at heart, he will use any and everything to win the lost. Just like Paul. He brings out the redemptive truth that is hidden in every TV show listed.

Ben: Sounds like he feeds the goats more than the sheep!

Ray: So...what's wrong with that?

Ben: Jesus said "feed my sheep"! He didn't say "feed the goats"!

Ray: Pastor Nick said if Paul lived in this century he would use the most popular medium to communicate the Good News! ...namely, capital T capital V.

Ben: It obvious he doesn't know Paul! Paul Shaffer maybe...but not the Apostle Paul.

Ray: You're much too critical, Ben. Pastor Nick is the most creative pastor I have ever listened to. His sermon on "The Twilight Zone" changed my life!

Ben: Let me ask you a question. When you leave church, do you think, "What a creative sermon that was!" or do you think, "What a great God and Savior we serve!"

Ray: Well, I can see through your trick questions! I'll be honest...I usually can't wait to see what he will do next! I mean, there is excitement in our congregation! Our bulletins even have a TV Guide Crossword Puzzle...we call them "Word Cross Puzzles"...get it? And he is working on a new TV Guide Study Bible that will premiere the day of the final episode of "Prison Break". His new book, "Stay Tuned", will be out around Christmas. If I give you a copy, will you read it?

Ben: Sure...if you'll read a book I have for you.

Ray: It's a deal! What is the book?

Ben: "Tell the Truth" by Will Metzger.

Ray: Was he on "Boston Legal"?

Coffee House #4

This episode of Coffee House Confidential is brought to you by

Cotton Adams Coffee Beans, the coffee beans you can eat!

This week takes me to "The Freudian Sip", a coffee shop located in Dusseldorf, Germany. I had my mini-recorder microphone hidden at a table where two English speaking Arminians were discussing Calvinistic Cartoons. They both had their laptops open to my blog. (I admit, I sort of planted the idea in their heads by suggesting they go there. I then, went to the restroom and disguised myself with a Groucho Marx kit made by the same people who invented the Life-size Clydesdale Chia Pet. This is the edited version of their conversation.)

Bo: Just who was that guy? Isn't that him in the corner with the fake Groucho glasses?
Moe: Yeah, that's him…it would probably be best just to ignore him.
Bo: What do you think of this blog?
Moe: Pure D Calvinism.
Bo: Moe, you're the Bible expert! Tell me, why are there Calvinists anyway? Why can't they interpret the Bible like we do?
Moe: Bo, first of all, Calvinists are a proud lot. They are so convincing that it will annoy you. Like a broken record of a singing florist with tulips stuck in his hair. They blindly follow James Calvin like lemmings in an icy rainstorm.
Bo: You are a veritable wordsmith! No wonder you won the Finney Polite Fight Award of 2001. You da man!
Moe: Yes, I AM the man.
Bo: Tell me a little about Calvin.
Moe: James Tiberius Calvin, was born in France the same year Columbus chopped down that cherry tree. He studied at the Institute of Christian Religion and then posed for the Reformation Wall. I believe he had a pet tiger named Hobbes at one time. He created the TULIPS acronym.
Bo: I thought it was just TULIP, y'know five points.
Moe: Yes, that's true…NOW…but, originally, it was SIX points. The "S" was dropped in 1812. It stood for "Sovereignty".
Bo: Where did you learn all this?
Moe: I took a Kenneth Copeland Correspondence Course back in '95. It took me three whole months to graduate.
Bo: You're a gentleman and a scholar! I bet you know when to use a semi-colon!
Moe: I happen to be writing a book on Charles N. Spurgeon right now, and it's full of semi-colons…well, I am writing it in my head. I haven't written anything down as yet. But when I find the right publisher…WATCH OUT WORLD! This book will dispel the idea that Spurgeon believed in Limited Atonement.
Bo: You could debate ANYONE!
Moe: If only John Mugarthur or R.C. Sprawl would walk through that door right now…I would engage him in a conversation about the Five Points and demolish every argument he could muster.
Bo: Look! Isn't that John Mugarthur and R.C. Sprawl at the counter ordering espressos?
Moe: Hey! What are they doing here?
Bo: Now's your chance! I'll go ask them to join us!
Moe: NO! Don't you see? This is some elaborate plan to capture us and burn us at the stake! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!

At that moment, both men grabbed their laptops and ran out the back door. Moe left his Dake's Bible and Bo left a tip with a Jack Chick-fil-a coupon worth over seventy five cents on a spicy chicken sandwich. Neither really discussed my blog like I had planned. I'll have to use that technique again in the future. But I did get to meet two guys who looked a whole lot like John MacArthur and R.C. Sproul that day.

Coffee House #3

The concept is a simple one. I take my recorder into a coffee house somewhere on the planet and secretly tape conversations. Then I decide which is the most interesting and edit it to fit by blog. These are candid moments from the mouths of unsuspecting strangers all over the globe. This is my third attempt and I traveled to Lottida, Kansas. The coffee house is called "The Coffee Spot". I will again be very careful to refer to each person generically to maintain their anonymity.

M1: Doyle! Doyle Rankins! Thanks for coming, brother. I've already ordered us both a cup of coffee.

M2: Thanks Pete! Haven't seen you in a year or so.

M1: Yeah...been kind of busy. That's one reason for our little get together. I'm starting a "celebrity only" ministry, and I'm hoping you will help support my "mission to the stars!" Just think how fantastic it would be if Angela Jolie accepted Christ! Why, thousands would consider following in her footsteps!...or Hugh Jackman...or Adam Sandler! His testimony would make headlines all over the media! He could reach millions with his own brand of witty witness!

M2: Do you really think God wants you to step over everyone else just to reach celebrities with the Gospel?

M1: Sure! Why not? Start at the top!

M2: That would make you sort of a "paparazzi preacher" wouldn't it?

M1: Yeah, never thought of it that way...but, I'd be tracking stars for Jesus! I like that! Thanks..."Pete Palombi, Paparazzi Preacher"...that has a nice ring to it!

M2: I don't think that is a Biblical way to approach evangelism...

M1: Well, I've already got six churches backing me on the idea! I've got my ticket to Hollywood, a new set of luggage and a backpack full of Chick tracts. My map of the stars homes is also my prayer list.

M2: Well, I can't give money to support something as idiotic as this!

M1: I'm giving to anyone who donates ten dollars or more, a picture of Gary Busey reading his Bible while hanging from the "W" on the Hollywood sign!

M2: Well...okay...I guess I can afford ten bucks. How much to get him to autograph it?

Coffee House #2

The concept is a simple one. I take my recorder into a coffee house somewhere on the planet and secretly tape conversations. Then I decide which is the most interesting and edit it to fit by blog. These are candid moments from the mouths of unsuspecting strangers all over the globe. This is my second attempt and I traveled to Kon-Tiki, Montana. The coffee house is called "Sacred Grounds". I will again be very careful to refer to each person generically to maintain their anonymity.

Male #1: Hank, how much do you know about the Bible?
Male #2: I know a little bit, Tom…just enough to be dangerous (ha ha)..
Male #1: Do you know anything about secret codes?
Male #2: You mean, like, video game cheat codes?
Male #1: No, like hidden codes, military spy stuff.
Male #2: I'm a big fan of espionage movies! I think I could crack a secret code if I had enough time.
Male #1: Well, I found this Bible that is either written in another language or it contains some kind of mystery code…I'm just not sure which.

Male #2: Where did you find it?
Male #1: It was left "accidentally" at a bus stop. No one was around, so I took it!
Male #2: Well, Mr. Heever, let's take a look at it.
Male #1: Here it is. Be careful…I keep it in this box, it's underneath the Superman comic.
Male #2: Well, the cover is in English!
Male #1: That's just it! Open it up and look inside!
Male #2: I see what you mean! I don't recognize this kind of lettering…uh, I'm thinking we should inform the FBI or the CIA.
Male #1: So you think it's in code or something?
Male #2: Tom…it has to be!
Male #1: Well, Hank Lupis, it DOESN"T have to be! This could be one of those "Russian" Bibles!
Male #2: No, it ain't Russian, I tell ya! The COVER is in ENGLISH! It's some kind of SECRET CODE!
Male #1: Hey! Wait a second! It's upside down! It's in English all right. The printer must have goofed and printed the cover upside down!

Male #2: …shhhh!...that's even better! Don't you SEE?! This could be worth millions…like a U.S. stamp that's printed wrong…We need to wait ten or eleven years to make sure the original plates have been destroyed…then sell it to the highest bidder! We'll be in all the newspapers! We'll be on national television! We'll be filthy RICH! We'll be FAMOUS!
Male #1: …what do you mean "WE"?

It was at that moment that the CIA, the FBI and AARP came in and ordered a cup of coffee with a hint of butter pecan.

Coffee House #1

The concept is a simple one. I take my recorder into a coffee house somewhere on the planet and secretly tape conversations. Then I decide which is the most interesting and edit it to fit by blog. These are candid moments from the mouths of unsuspecting strangers all over the globe. This is my first attempt and I traveled to a seedy part of Chicago. The coffee house is called "SCARbucks". It is a lot like Starbucks, only rougher. I will refer to each person generically to maintain anonymity.

Male: "I am really glad to see you. Hope this place wasn't too hard to find!"
Female: "No, I just had a little trouble finding a parking spot."
Male: "Have you told him yet?"
Female: ". . . Who is that guy over there? Do you know him?"
Male: "What guy?!"
Female: "The one pretending to read the Bible...see him? He has a recorder on the table and he is pointing the microphone in our direction!"
Male: "HEY YOU!"
Me: "Are you talking to me?"
Male: "Yeah...are you recording our conversation?"
Me: "Maybe..."
Male: "Do you see this scalding hot Guatemala House Blend I'm holding in my hand?"
Me: "Maybe..."
Male: "Well, if you don't get out of here right now you are going to have this in your face!"
Me: "Sir, I am a man of peace. I am going to post this on my blog. It's called Calvinistic Cartoons. Ever heard of it?"
Male: "No...now get going!"
Me: "I'm not finished yet...and it's a free country!"
Male: "I warned you!"
Me: "AAAAAAAIIIIiiiiiiiiiii THAT'S HOT!! ARE YOU CRAZY? AAAAAAIIIiiiii yiiiiii"

...as you can see, my first try didn't go so well. I hope to do better next time. See ya then!