THE BOURNE THEOLOGYA solitary figure sits quietly in one corner of the cafe, hands folded on the table in front of him. His lips are pursed. He glances at his watch and taps his foot impatiently.There's a slight scuffling noise, and he looks up to see a tall man in a dripping trench coat slip into the opposite seat. He eyes the newcomer suspiciously and then growls, "As it is written, Jacob have I loved...""... but Esau I have hated," the stranger finishes. "Romans 9:13."A look of relief sweeps over the first man's face and he extends his hand. "My name's Robert."The stranger shakes it. "I'm Alex."Robert nods. "I'll be brief. The CIA (Calvinistic Investigation Agency) has good reason to believe that Benny Finney and his demon cronies may attempt to break into CC Headquarters later this week. Finney calls it Operation J316. Here's the file. Now, what can you do about?"Alex takes the proffered item, and slides it beneath his coat. He picks up a spoon from a set of carefully-arranged silverware, and looks at it intently. "I think I've got just the man for you."A laugh bubbles in his throat. He sets the spoon down and continues, "His name is Bourne-Again. Jason Bourne-Again. Ex-assassin turned Five-Pointer. He'll take care of Finney, no problem.""This guy can fight if necessary?" Robert asks. "I doubt Finney and his gang will go down without hitting back.""Oh, he can fight," Alex assures him with a grin. "His favorite move is the 'TULIPow', and boy, is it a dandy. He'll make sure Finney learns a lesson."*cue song "Extreme Ways" by Moby*
@Corey P.As I read every word of this pulse-pounding saga-ette I found myself on the edge of my seat...My doctor has explained to me about my bad sitting posture. He says the way I sit has a huge impact on my muscles, digestive system, circulation, breathing and even my bones.
310 yesterday...309 today!!Haha...your "followers" are waking up to your era.
The re-vamped wardrobe movie, inspired by PersisOne day, in Hollywood Studios, Rob Bell and Brian McLaren delightedly sat down to chat with James Cameron.They told him their idea of a Narnia movie with Aslan found in everything but the kids not needing him. They think they see demons, but really it's the hell they created. They needed to find more subtle ways to spoon feed their enlightened ideas to their world obsessed with hell and needing a savior.After the men finished with their idea, the room was silent except for the taps made by Cameron's fingers on the table. It got so awkward, that Rob decided to start blowing bubbles.James Cameron stopped; the bubbles gave him an idea.Later on, their movie was released under the title Avatar.
@Eddie: I'll try to go for a slow-moving drama next time, so you don't injure yourself. Maybe if I'm really good, I can put you to sleep. ;)I figured this story would be great the silver screen, but I doubt Hollywood would concur.
Bubbles the Demon's First Day on the Job"Rock-a-bye baby, in the treetop, when the wind blows, the cradle will rock. When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall - DOWN WILL COME BABY, CRADLE AND ALL!!!! MUHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!""Getting a little excited, are we, Bubbles?" the veteran demon, Scratch, asked his underling."They take all this glorious false doctrine in like a spoon to a baby's mouth," Bubbles giggled. "Hahahahaha!!! I can't believe the pastor is preaching on Revelation 3:20 like that! He thinks Jesus taps, taps, taps on the door of your heart?! Is he serious!?"Scratch smiled. "There are a few more mature Christians here, a few babies, and then, of course, our lovely little friends, the tares. The pastor is weak, but sincere - thankfully, sincerity matters little as long as he's doing what we want him to.""Hahahaha, I know, really! But...""Did you just feel a shift?"Bubbles laughed weakly. "Come on, don't mess with me like that!""I'm not messing with you...Someone in the congregation must be praying...""People pray all the time!""Yes, but people who God has a hold of and pray are few and far between. And one of them..." Scratch chuckled grimly. "Stupid, wishy-washy, American fools. May they keep on sleeping, while they're spoon-fed the most basic of doctrines, or lies.""Most of 'em aren't even saved, Scratch!"The elder demon turned to the younger. "Exactly...And we want them to stay that way. Because if a few men get on fire for God..." he paused. "Men will come to see them burn."Not sure how funny that really was. It kinda had a mind of its own.Hopefully the first paragraph will bring some laughs. :-D
Not the evening newsMayhem broke out at the Dr. Doolittle Memorial Theatre when facility managers accidentally booked The Benny Hinn Healing Crusade and Bubbles, the Clown, the same evening. Both acts took to the stage leading to disastrous results. Sensing the moving of the spirit, Mr. Hinn attempted to cast the demon of bad fashion sense out of Mr. Bubbles who was juggling spoons and playing taps at the same time. As the clown was being slain in the spirit, a spoon flew out of his hand and struck Mr. Hinn on the forehead causing his toupee to go flying into the audience. This led to an audience riot as to why Mr. Hinn had not healed himself of male pattern baldness. Police were called in to quell the mob. Neither performer was willing to speak to the press. Film at 11:00.
@PersisI could envision the whole scene as I read it. (haven't stopped laughing yet)@CoreyI was sitting on pins and needles as I read your story. I wish my wife wouldn't leave her sewing on my chair.CraigB
@Corey"The stranger shakes it."Hey, thanks. You just gave me the title for my next dance video.: )
Willie Sunday said...310 yesterday...309 today!!Haha...your "followers" are waking up to your era.Poll: Only one in three hundred say that Calvinistic Cartoons is not their cup of tea. (Nine say that they are "still waiting for the cartoon to start" before making up their minds.)CHB aka SSL
@Meghan SmithHahahahaha *cough*snort*The punch line knocked me out. Made me spew COOL BLUE(TM) GATORADE through my nostrils.
Duel With Bubbles the ClownAs I walked through the door of the ice-cream shop I knew something was wrong. Perhaps it is my extreme powers of deduction that lead to this, but I'm a humble man and would never admit it. First I saw everyone was tied up. Second, I noticed that the spoon that was supposed to be in someone's ice cream was stuck in the wall by one' young boys' head. Thirdly, there was a clown that was wielding another spoon. Now I don't mean to wow you with my keen sense of perception, but I assumed from these facts that something was wrong. "Who are you?" I demanded. "Bubbles the clown, princess bigfoot!" He hurled an ice cream scoop of rocky road right at me."More like a demon!" I declared, after dodging the tasty projectile. "In your nightmares!" "A five point Arminian no less!" I pointed to the daisy on his shirt. I knew that then we would have to duel verses until he taps out. "Oh, one of THOSE!" He cried, "John 3:16!" "2 Timothy 1:9!" I returned. The blast threw him back. "2 Peter 3:9!" He said."John 6:44!" I hurled."1 Timothy 2:5-6!" He blew. "Ephesians 1:4!" I grinned. He screamed in agony. "Michael Servetus!" I stopped. He stopped. Then shrugged. "Heh-heh." "Your days are over, Bubbles." I said. "Acts 13:48, Romans 8:29-30, Romans 9, Ephesians 1, John 10, John 6, Isaiah 53!" He drew back and fell to the floor again, and slowly began to melt. I stood in astonishment. "You monster! AAAAUUUGGGHHH!" He finally completely melted, all that was left behind was a pile of white goo and a red nose.I said to no one but myself, "I guess he was a demon." The End
@Joel The ImmerserMiles O'Smiles : ) Scratched my sense of humor where it itched.
@MichaelThat duel scene was genius. When they pull out the Servetus card, you know that they are out of ammunition.Well done.
@Corey: Nice, some Calvinistic Secret Agents.
@Joel: Do I detect a hint of "The Screwtape Letters" here? Great work, very entertaining.
@Persis: Whoops! I didn't even see that you had a Bubbles the Clown, perhaps we just think alike, I wasn't trying to plagiarize you. :-)
@Stranger: When they pull out the Servetus card they are just displaying their ignorance. If you do some pretty basic research into the whole fiasco then it's clear what happened. Even so, that's kind of a lousy argument.
@Michael: HAHAHAHAHA!!!! That one was great. :-DMaybe somewhat. I've never read the book, nor desire to, but I like the concept. ;-)
@ Michael re The Servetus card:- Have you been reading back issues of The Sacred Sandwich??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!