CALVIN MAN VS. OBEN THEISTCalvin Man burst into the building in an explosion of dust and debris. Light shone in through the hole in the wall, illuminating the hitherto darkened room.A small, solitary figure dressed in a Rob Bell costume stood defiantly before our hero. He stepped forward with a maniacal grin that stretched from ear to ear. "Oben Theist," Calvin Man growled. "I should've known.""Yes, you should've." The diminuative villain sighed as if disappointed. "I expected more of an ardent Romans-Niner like yourself." He chuckled, stroking the black rabbit which he cradled in one arm. "Have you met my pet?" Oben asked slyly. "Calvin Man, meet Hare-itic!""I'm not here to chat about your fluffy sidekick," our hero replied angrily. "Someone vandalized the Reformed Church of Metropolis. This person plucked up all the tulips from the landscaping, and then started painting John 3:16 all over the parking lot in giant red letters. I think that person is you!""Correct!" the villain cried. "You Calvinists refuse to see that love wins, so I must make you see! I already have plans to publish my own version of the Bible, in which I will filter out all the verses about hell! Haha! What do you think of that?" "I think you need help." Calvin Man's rock-hard fist cracked against Oben Theist's jaw, felling him instantly. Hare-itic hopped away and vanished into some dark corner of the room."Come on, bud." Calvin Man gripped the unconscious creep by the ankle and began dragging him towards the nearest exit. "Time for a little theological therapy session."
The PaintingA heretic once stood with a grin upon his faceCommenting on the velvet painting in his place.He used a filter thenTo hide his flagrant sin.It fell and now we see his crime against the human race.
Is it a miracle?From Christianity Misplaced, July 2011, Volume 5, Issue No. 7Members of The Church of Signs, Wonders, and Special Effects in downtown Los Angeles believe in miracles, and according to church staff, a miracle has occurred within the four walls of this popular megachuch. Hospitality chairwoman, Mavis Bootstrap, was emptying the church coffee maker that fateful Sunday in June when she noticed something remarkable. Upon lifting out the filter, embedded in the grounds were the initials KK. Thinking this may have been a sign from God, Ms. Bootstrap mentioned the occurrence to Reverend Bernice Leafmold. That very day, Rev. Leafmold was surveying her favorite mural of misunderstood figures in church history when she noticed a new object in the painting behind the grinning visage of Arias. On closer inspection it was the dim shape of a Krispey Kreme donut shop behind this early church father (better known in some circles as a heretic). Although several viewers consider it only a smudge in the painting's background, other parishioners attest to clearly seeing the "Hot Donuts Now" neon sign ln the painting. This discovery has caused a pilgrimage of Krispey Kreme devotees and curiosity seekers flocking to the church. However, all is not well. It appears that the congregation is divided as to the meaning of this sign. Several believe it is the confirmation for the church to invest in a Krispey Kreme franchise. Meanwhile others believe it is warning from God as to the dangers of saturated fat and refined sugar. These more health conscious members swear that this is a sign for the church to go on an all cabbage diet to rid themselves of the sin of unhealthy snacking. A final decision will be forthcoming at a special meeting to be held this week. Rumors are the pro-cabbage contingent is threatening to leave the church if their demands are not met to form a ministry devoted to the healing of arteries.
Bob Bell's Revenge"So, we meet again, RebornMan!" Bob Bell screamed as I encountered his heretic self in a dark alley on a cold, stormy night, full of theological crimes."Fancy meeting you here," I chuckled. "Tell me - do you always grin such a psychopathic manner?""Only when talking with big, mean, bad, judgmental Fundamentalists like yourself, RebornMan," he replied, laughing maniacally. "I saw the smile on someone's face in a painting. I have emulated it ever since.""Really? Your subconscious didn't have an anti-smile filter? After all, you're so depressing.""Only to depressing people, RebornMan," he cackled. Then his smile faded. "You know what time it is."We both drew Theologysabers from our belts, clicking them on quickly, grasping the weapons tightly with both hands."RAH!" my opponent screamed, sending the black blade, surrounded inches around by little black electrical currents. "JOHN 3:16!""JOHN 6:44!" I yelled, pushing him back. "EPHESIANS 1!" This sent him back flying as I slammed my white, pure blade against his."1 TIMOTHY 2:4!" the fiend roared, recovering quickly as he swung towards my head. I blocked it, then retaliated."ROMANS 9!" I yelled, knocking him back fifteen feet. He was down - time to finish him! "ROMANS 8!"I shot forward with the speed of light, smacking his blade with mine. "NO MAN SEEKS AFTER GOD! NO, NOT ONE!""AND I, IF I BE LIFTED UP, SHALL DRAW ALL MEN UNTO MYSELF!" he countered weakly."THE BOASTFUL SHALL NOT STAND IN YOUR SIGHT; YOU HATE ALL WORKERS OF INIQUITY!"Bob Bell screamed in terror. "NO! NOT THAT!"I hammered his blade from his hand, sending it flying against one of the apartment building walls, its saber back in its dastardly black handle, engraved with John 3:16."NEXT TIME, REBORNMAN!" Bob Bell sobbed as a flying Daisymobile flew down, lobbing John 3:16 grenades at me, swooping down under its master. "NEXT TIME!"With that, he was gone. We would surely fight another day.
That needs a different title. I therefore title it...Bob Bell Bash
@Joel: Whoa. Startlingly random.