How to Handle a Bad Call

Strange Fire Interview

This interview took place shortly after the Strange Fire conference ended. Calvinistic Cartoons reporter, Tesla Alset, conducted the interview with the two pictured above. Apostle Ralph Ringworms and Part-time Apostle Clem Chancey felt an inner urging to crash the conference.

CC: How did you gentlemen like the conference?

Ralph: I liked the first ten minutes. That's when I ran out of popcorn. I tried to locate a microwave so I could pop another bag but couldn't find one anywhere.

Clem: My spirit forced me to fall asleep during the first hour. My body was in on it too. You can't argue with your physical and spiritual when your eyes are heavy.

CC: You two were escorted out of the building today. Could you explain why?

Ralph: I was practicing my freedom of choice by lighting up a Winston. They didn't like that very much. I told them that where there's smoke there's strange fire. ha ha...get it? It's a joke, man. Anyhoot, they grieved my spirit and told me I was welcome as long as I didn't bring in the cigarettes. What has the world come to? Smoking has been in my family for years. Why the Pope himself is voted in by smoke...and camels are mentioned in the Bible!

CC: What about you Clem? What did you do?

Clem: Seems like they don't shine to me interrupting the guest speakers. I had visions I felt needed to be heard. Heavenly visions. Visions with lots of special effects. I hope they include some of my revelations in the John MacArthur book. I had to text Phil Johnson about my last vision 'cause he wouldn't give me the time of day.

CC: Phil Johnson wouldn't give you the time of day?

Clem: Well, he left his watch at home.

CC: Would you mind sharing one of your so-called Heavenly visions?

Clem: Sure thing, brother, One of the visions I had was of a polar bear jumping on a trampoline. This bear was glowing green and white and was singing a new song. A song of unity. A song of love.

CC: That's it?

Clem: That's it! Don't you see? The polar bear symbolizes the cold doctrine of truth without compromise...and maybe the bear is bi-polar too...I dunno...the trampoline means that it's repeated throughout the conference. Glowing green and white is all about envy and purity. The new song is available for free. I wrote it a few weeks ago. I'll be giving them out from the trunk of my car in the parking lot in just a few minutes.

CC: Ralph, would you mind not blowing that smoke in my face?

Ralph: It's holy smoke, my brother. It will ward off diseases. You will be able to be at rest in Zion and you will FEEL the HEAL in your life after I take a few more drags. It's my gift.

CC: Got to go guys, the bus is here. Thanks. Maybe we can continue this interview another time.

Ralph and Clem: We'll be here! We've camped out in the parking lot for the next two months!   

Fan Photo from Dr. Al Beefine

Thanks Doctor for Fed-Exing the entire magazine to me. Your check for $7,000 is on its way to you and should arrive there just in time for Christmas. 

Strange Eschatology

An Interview with the Reverend Gucci Hummina

A small section from last weeks radio program, "Utter Prophecies":

Reverend Gucci, would you please explain to our listeners, your view of the rapture?

Well, I believe there will be a "partial" rapture. Not the partial rapture that has been touted by those who misread prophecy...y'know...some believers left behind and some taken in advance. No sir, that's just stupid. I'm of the belief that EVERY believer will be partially raptured in a twinkling of an eye.

Would you please explain what you mean?

Well, I am trying to...but, you keep interrupting me. By the way, you won't be in that number monkey man.

Y'see, "partial" means "partial", and that's all it means. When the trumpet blows...and fyi...that tune will be "Shall We Gather at the River"...Christians will have their feet taken to Heaven, first. Then, their legs, hands, arms, torso and finally, their heads. It won't be gory or bloody or anything like that, mind you, it'll be beautiful. 

That's sound completely insane if you ask me!

Well, city boy, nobody asked you! You don't get it because you are ignorant of hidden messages. It's actually a message in itself! Our feet do the walking. Our feet has carried us into sin and into church. Our feet take us where we want to go. It's been that way all our lives. So our feet go first, leaving us on our backs so we can see the Rapture unfold. 

What about those who are left? Won't they see these weird amputations occurring? 

Not at all. Y'see...time will stop for unbelievers. We will see this happen...it will last for more than an hour...but, for lost dudes, like yourself, it will all happen in a microsecond. 

How many Christians believe this? Can you back up your claims with Scripture?

Whoever reads my book, "Defeeted at the Rapture", will see the truth and will join our movement. We now have, at least, forty two, who have joined our Facebook page...and, yes, of course I can back up my claims with Scripture!.....

Well?

Well what! I don't owe you an explanation. Read my book! It's all there! Anyway, I have an appointment with Toni and Guy. I will be appearing on TBN tonight as an honored guest speaker. I tag-team preach with Jan Crouch...I just hope she doesn't interrupt me as much as you do. I'm outta here!

Snagging Questions

Arminian Blogger Interview

Behind the Scenes

This is a photo of Willie Lumpkin being interviewed by me for the role of the Romans 9 grenade. This was a long process, with many disappointed hopefuls. The auditions lasted for a good six weeks before we chose Corky Velveeta. We decided not to use Mr. Lumpkin because of his fear of flying, his fear of driving and his fear of walking. Willie went on to become a stunt man for Larry King.