Things I could have said on Facebook but didn't

I only eat pasta, rice, bread and potatoes. I'm a 'carbivore'..

I can eat bacon sandwiches with either hand. I'm hambidextrous.

What moisturizer do bullfighters use? Olay.

Funny..I don't remember being absent-minded.

First rule of Procrastination Club: I'll tell you later....

A pessimist's blood type is b-negative.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

When does Video get out of prison for the Radio Star murder?

Narcissist Supermarkets only have self-checkouts.

I didn't pay my Syntax, and got a poorly constructed prison sentence.

Nature abhors a vacuum. That's why her house is such a mess.

It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Which president was least guilty? Lincoln. He is in a cent.

The man who created knock knock jokes deserves a no-bell prize.

I just got hit with a can of soda, luckily it was a soft drink.

I would tell you a pun about pizza, but it’s to cheesy

Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office - I will track you down. You have my Word.