No, Jacobus, I don't want to dance! I'm still trying to figure out how I can have assurance, if part of my salvation depends on my free will! Sure, maybe I "free will" now, but what if I "free won't" later?
"...but darling, when you asked if that dress made you look fat, I thought I was helping by letting you know that is was actually the doughnuts and eclairs and not the dress at all..."
But Mary, you said sin was an illusion. How was I to know you didn't mean adultery, too? After all, you live in a spiritual world, and I live in the material one. I've got to tell you, it is real frustrating being married to a spirit.
"My dearest Nicorette, you must understand I meant no insult to your father when I offered to loan him my Message Bible. Perhaps I could make it up to him by loaning him my hat."
There there, dear, I didn't mean to insult you by taking your picture down and putting that one in its place. Don't worry, Corky will grow on you over time. You'll see.
SATCH: "Skeets, I'm going to have to sit down to tell you this-- I'm, I'm a six-point Calvinist."
SKEETER: "Yowza, Satch! I thought there was only five! What's the sixth point?"
SATCH: "The sixth point is that there's more to Calvinism than just the Five Points."
SKEETER: "HEAVENS TO MERGATROYD, Satch! Why doesn't somebody tell me these things?"
SATCH: "Somebody just did, Skeeter dear. Somebody just did. Oh, and Skeeter, just one more thing--"
SKEETER: "Yessum?"
SATCH: "Buy da book."
ANNOUNCER, DON PARDO: "Calvinistic Cartoons! The ALL-WEATHER Theology!"
Todd Friel "Weheheeeell, Thank YOU, Don Pardo! And there you have it folks... not narrow minded... there is certainly more to Calvinism than meets the proverbial eye, as they say. Wretched Radio... keeping you tuned in and up to date on ALL the chills, thrills, and spills of the worst... and even, thank the sovereign Lord, for sometimes the ocassional best of Christian America! Six points....
ANNOUNCER, DON PARDO: This comment has been paid for by the Friends of Eddie Eddings for the "Elect Eddie Eddings for President of These United Snakes, because After All, He's Already Elected to Eternal Life" Campaign.
[No animals were harmed in the production of this comment.]
[And this comment was also brought to you by the letter T-- and it was the only letter left in the toy box so don't give me U-LIP.]
Oh Penelope, you were absolutely right for calling me a fool for believing that flat headed William Miller. What a dunderhead I've been. Could you ever forgive me?Listen dear, I swear I will never be involved in another hair-brained cult as long as I live. In fact I was fortunate enough to meet the most wonderful woman just this morning, a prophetess actually, her name is Ellen G. White and she told me...
You really don't like my sermon illustration, Louise? Don't you think modern examples will help the congregation remember the armor of God?
The top hat of salvation? The top coat of righteousness? I even girded my loins with chain mail trousers or truth! I thought a squirting flower as the shield of faith would at least make you smile. You don't know how we preachers struggle to keep the people interested. Oh, how we suffer! Have you any idea how these patent leather shoes hurt? So much for gospel of peace!
But Mary, you knew when I first asked you out I was a Calvinist. Your family will just have to get over it.
ReplyDeleteBut Knoxetta my darling, what do you mean an Arminian Husband and a Calvinist Wife would be unequally yoked?
ReplyDeleteNo, Jacobus, I don't want to dance! I'm still trying to figure out how I can have assurance, if part of my salvation depends on my free will! Sure, maybe I "free will" now, but what if I "free won't" later?
ReplyDelete"...but darling, when you asked if that dress made you look fat, I thought I was helping by letting you know that is was actually the doughnuts and eclairs and not the dress at all..."
ReplyDelete"Madam, your husband..."
ReplyDelete"Don't speak to me, Danforth! I just learned that my nephew is a Molinist!"
Gee thanks, Nigel. After 2 years of walking me home from prayer meeting, now you tell me you've kissed dating good-bye?!
ReplyDeleteBut Mary, you said sin was an illusion. How was I to know you didn't mean adultery, too? After all, you live in a spiritual world, and I live in the material one. I've got to tell you, it is real frustrating being married to a spirit.
ReplyDelete"My dearest Nicorette, you must understand I meant no insult to your father when I offered to loan him my Message Bible. Perhaps I could make it up to him by loaning him my hat."
ReplyDeleteI see Corkyyyyyy!!!!
There there, dear, I didn't mean to insult you by taking your picture down and putting that one in its place. Don't worry, Corky will grow on you over time. You'll see.
ReplyDeleteSATCH: "Skeets, I'm going to have to sit down to tell you this-- I'm, I'm a six-point Calvinist."
ReplyDeleteSKEETER: "Yowza, Satch! I thought there was only five! What's the sixth point?"
SATCH: "The sixth point is that there's more to Calvinism than just the Five Points."
SKEETER: "HEAVENS TO MERGATROYD, Satch! Why doesn't somebody tell me these things?"
SATCH: "Somebody just did, Skeeter dear. Somebody just did. Oh, and Skeeter, just one more thing--"
SKEETER: "Yessum?"
SATCH: "Buy da book."
ANNOUNCER, DON PARDO: "Calvinistic Cartoons! The ALL-WEATHER Theology!"
Todd Friel "Weheheeeell, Thank YOU, Don Pardo! And there you have it folks... not narrow minded... there is certainly more to Calvinism than meets the proverbial eye, as they say. Wretched Radio... keeping you tuned in and up to date on ALL the chills, thrills, and spills of the worst... and even, thank the sovereign Lord, for sometimes the ocassional best of Christian America! Six points....
ANNOUNCER, DON PARDO: This comment has been paid for by the Friends of Eddie Eddings for the "Elect Eddie Eddings for President of These United Snakes, because After All, He's Already Elected to Eternal Life" Campaign.
[No animals were harmed in the production of this comment.]
[And this comment was also brought to you by the letter T-- and it was the only letter left in the toy box so don't give me U-LIP.]
Oh Penelope, you were absolutely right for calling me a fool for believing that flat headed William Miller. What a dunderhead I've been. Could you ever forgive me?Listen dear, I swear I will never be involved in another hair-brained cult as long as I live. In fact I was fortunate enough to meet the most wonderful woman just this morning, a prophetess actually, her name is Ellen G. White and she told me...
ReplyDeleteWill you go to dinner with me if I promise to change out of these checked pants and to leave the silly hat home?
ReplyDeleteI admit that only women who have dated rather geeky guys will understand that one.
The stupid getup is bad enough Darrin, but the SQUIRTING FLOWER?! I mean REALLY!
ReplyDeletePastor Bling tries to get things right with his wife before he begins to preach his sermon.
ReplyDeleteOh.. I mean... how can I compete with this level of comments? Is there a beginner class somewhere?
ReplyDeleteHere goes... Then Lousia sighed and sniffed, "No, I can't go out with you when you are wearing chain-link pants.."
You really don't like my sermon illustration, Louise? Don't you think modern examples will help the congregation remember the armor of God?
ReplyDeleteThe top hat of salvation?
The top coat of righteousness?
I even girded my loins with chain mail trousers or truth!
I thought a squirting flower as the shield of faith would at least make you smile.
You don't know how we preachers struggle to keep the people interested. Oh, how we suffer!
Have you any idea how these patent leather shoes hurt? So much for gospel of peace!
Pastor Jay, that was pret-ty funny!
ReplyDeleteThanks!
ReplyDelete