"Did you give your tithe today at church?""Yes, dear.""Did you put the cat out?""Yes, dear.""Did you sell your guns today at the gun show?""Yes, honey, except for one.""Did you stop by the pharmacy and pick me up some acne medicine?""I did.""Then read a short Psalm, turn out the lights and go to bed!""Yes, sugar dumpling."
Introducing U-Bible. U as in You! The only Bible that you can customize yourself. Take out those unwanted verses. Add more in if you want. Change the stories to suit your tastes. Embarrassed by the plague on the Philistines in ! Samuel 5&6? No problem! Change it to acne.Raise the firepower in David's fight with Goliath by having him pull out a gun instead.Love those felines? How about changing Aaron's lines to "I threw it into the fire, and out came this cat."Don't like to tithe? Just remove all verses on giving with one click of the mouse.Get your's today for only 4 easy installments of $19.95. Operators are standing by.(The publishers assume no liability for any Rev. 22:18-19 judgment. Use at your own risk.)
cat tithe guns acneThe U-Bible: Cat Lover's EditionDo you think there should be more cats in the Bible? Tired of that lion in Samson's story being the only one. Jesus himself is called the Lion of Judah. We need more cats.What about that story where Rabshakeh threatened Hezekiah and his army? Suppose both sides of the battle had guns. What if Rabshakeh told them that their God told them to turn in their guns just as the other nations' gods had? They would not just have died in their sleep overnight. The cats would have come in and stolen their guns and left mousetraps everywhere.What if in 1 Kings 13 when the prophet got eaten by a lion after eating with another prophet that another cat came from Egypt to ruin all his clothes and papers until he grew acne from the smell? We could go miles and miles with the U-Bible Cat edition. 20 extra dollars and we'll throw in prayer cat nip for free.
Of course, you can buy this Bible with your missed-last-Sunday tithe.
Fundamentalist Preacher ManIf there's one thing I can't standIt's a Fundamentalist preacher manHe's like acne and like cancerHe doesn't have no answersHe's just full of Calvinism and stuffYeah, they make life real roughThem preacher men, they make life really rough(Chorus)Give the tithe,These cats they lie,They care about gunsAnd all that jazzBut they take away my funI just want to sin a bitBut they try and take me on a guilt tripCalvinist preacher manYeah, I don't understandWhy he keeps talking 'bout repentingAnd how a Christian's marked by different livingI think he's so very annoyingAll I want is a little emotional toyingThem preacher men, they make life really rough(Chorus)Give the tithe,These cats they lie,They care about gunsAnd all that jazzBut they take away my funI just want to sin a bitBut they try and take me on a guilt tripHe wants me to give moneyI don't think so, honeyI need a made in communist China flatscreen TVIt's made by slaves, but that don't concern me,I want my football and I want it nowSo pass the football, let's eat some cowThem preacher men, they make life really roughYeah, they make life so roughI hate their guts and stuffI wish they would all just disappearCome on, get me out of hearI can't bear another Bible verseEspecially not one that says I can't curse(Chorus)Give the tithe,These cats they lie,They care about gunsAnd all that jazzBut they take away my funI just want to sin a bitBut they try and take me on a guilt trip"Did you see that preacher man?"Run the other way, I saidHe ain't good for you Uncle Bill, he ain't goodBut he got up and went there, I knew he wouldHow he's done and got religiousHe's such a silly pigeonYeah, watch out for Fundamentalist preacher menWatch out for Fundamentalist preacher men
It had to take some timeTo make that rhyme
Dr. Seuss? Here? What? I need more donuts!