Introducing U-Bible. U as in You! The only Bible that you can customize yourself. Take out those unwanted verses. Add more in if you want. Change the stories to suit your tastes.
Embarrassed by the plague on the Philistines in ! Samuel 5&6? No problem! Change it to acne.
Raise the firepower in David's fight with Goliath by having him pull out a gun instead.
Love those felines? How about changing Aaron's lines to "I threw it into the fire, and out came this cat."
Don't like to tithe? Just remove all verses on giving with one click of the mouse.
Get your's today for only 4 easy installments of $19.95. Operators are standing by.
(The publishers assume no liability for any Rev. 22:18-19 judgment. Use at your own risk.)
Do you think there should be more cats in the Bible? Tired of that lion in Samson's story being the only one. Jesus himself is called the Lion of Judah. We need more cats.
What about that story where Rabshakeh threatened Hezekiah and his army? Suppose both sides of the battle had guns. What if Rabshakeh told them that their God told them to turn in their guns just as the other nations' gods had? They would not just have died in their sleep overnight. The cats would have come in and stolen their guns and left mousetraps everywhere.
What if in 1 Kings 13 when the prophet got eaten by a lion after eating with another prophet that another cat came from Egypt to ruin all his clothes and papers until he grew acne from the smell? We could go miles and miles with the U-Bible Cat edition. 20 extra dollars and we'll throw in prayer cat nip for free.
If there's one thing I can't stand It's a Fundamentalist preacher man He's like acne and like cancer He doesn't have no answers He's just full of Calvinism and stuff Yeah, they make life real rough Them preacher men, they make life really rough
(Chorus) Give the tithe, These cats they lie, They care about guns And all that jazz But they take away my fun I just want to sin a bit But they try and take me on a guilt trip
Calvinist preacher man Yeah, I don't understand Why he keeps talking 'bout repenting And how a Christian's marked by different living I think he's so very annoying All I want is a little emotional toying Them preacher men, they make life really rough
(Chorus) Give the tithe, These cats they lie, They care about guns And all that jazz But they take away my fun I just want to sin a bit But they try and take me on a guilt trip
He wants me to give money I don't think so, honey I need a made in communist China flatscreen TV It's made by slaves, but that don't concern me, I want my football and I want it now So pass the football, let's eat some cow Them preacher men, they make life really rough
Yeah, they make life so rough I hate their guts and stuff I wish they would all just disappear Come on, get me out of hear I can't bear another Bible verse Especially not one that says I can't curse
(Chorus) Give the tithe, These cats they lie, They care about guns And all that jazz But they take away my fun I just want to sin a bit But they try and take me on a guilt trip
"Did you see that preacher man?" Run the other way, I said He ain't good for you Uncle Bill, he ain't good But he got up and went there, I knew he would How he's done and got religious He's such a silly pigeon Yeah, watch out for Fundamentalist preacher men Watch out for Fundamentalist preacher men
"Did you give your tithe today at church?"
ReplyDelete"Yes, dear."
"Did you put the cat out?"
"Yes, dear."
"Did you sell your guns today at the gun show?"
"Yes, honey, except for one."
"Did you stop by the pharmacy and pick me up some acne medicine?"
"I did."
"Then read a short Psalm, turn out the lights and go to bed!"
"Yes, sugar dumpling."
Introducing U-Bible. U as in You! The only Bible that you can customize yourself. Take out those unwanted verses. Add more in if you want. Change the stories to suit your tastes.
ReplyDeleteEmbarrassed by the plague on the Philistines in ! Samuel 5&6? No problem! Change it to acne.
Raise the firepower in David's fight with Goliath by having him pull out a gun instead.
Love those felines? How about changing Aaron's lines to "I threw it into the fire, and out came this cat."
Don't like to tithe? Just remove all verses on giving with one click of the mouse.
Get your's today for only 4 easy installments of $19.95. Operators are standing by.
(The publishers assume no liability for any Rev. 22:18-19 judgment. Use at your own risk.)
cat tithe guns acne
ReplyDeleteThe U-Bible: Cat Lover's Edition
Do you think there should be more cats in the Bible? Tired of that lion in Samson's story being the only one. Jesus himself is called the Lion of Judah. We need more cats.
What about that story where Rabshakeh threatened Hezekiah and his army? Suppose both sides of the battle had guns. What if Rabshakeh told them that their God told them to turn in their guns just as the other nations' gods had? They would not just have died in their sleep overnight. The cats would have come in and stolen their guns and left mousetraps everywhere.
What if in 1 Kings 13 when the prophet got eaten by a lion after eating with another prophet that another cat came from Egypt to ruin all his clothes and papers until he grew acne from the smell? We could go miles and miles with the U-Bible Cat edition. 20 extra dollars and we'll throw in prayer cat nip for free.
Of course, you can buy this Bible with your missed-last-Sunday tithe.
Delete
ReplyDeleteFundamentalist Preacher Man
If there's one thing I can't stand
It's a Fundamentalist preacher man
He's like acne and like cancer
He doesn't have no answers
He's just full of Calvinism and stuff
Yeah, they make life real rough
Them preacher men, they make life really rough
(Chorus)
Give the tithe,
These cats they lie,
They care about guns
And all that jazz
But they take away my fun
I just want to sin a bit
But they try and take me on a guilt trip
Calvinist preacher man
Yeah, I don't understand
Why he keeps talking 'bout repenting
And how a Christian's marked by different living
I think he's so very annoying
All I want is a little emotional toying
Them preacher men, they make life really rough
(Chorus)
Give the tithe,
These cats they lie,
They care about guns
And all that jazz
But they take away my fun
I just want to sin a bit
But they try and take me on a guilt trip
He wants me to give money
I don't think so, honey
I need a made in communist China flatscreen TV
It's made by slaves, but that don't concern me,
I want my football and I want it now
So pass the football, let's eat some cow
Them preacher men, they make life really rough
Yeah, they make life so rough
I hate their guts and stuff
I wish they would all just disappear
Come on, get me out of hear
I can't bear another Bible verse
Especially not one that says I can't curse
(Chorus)
Give the tithe,
These cats they lie,
They care about guns
And all that jazz
But they take away my fun
I just want to sin a bit
But they try and take me on a guilt trip
"Did you see that preacher man?"
Run the other way, I said
He ain't good for you Uncle Bill, he ain't good
But he got up and went there, I knew he would
How he's done and got religious
He's such a silly pigeon
Yeah, watch out for Fundamentalist preacher men
Watch out for Fundamentalist preacher men
It had to take some time
DeleteTo make that rhyme
Dr. Seuss? Here? What? I need more donuts!
Delete