Saw a kidnapping today. Decided not to wake him up though...
Why does a moon-rock taste better than an earth-rock? Because it's a little meteor!
My wife changed after she became a vegetarian...it's like I've never seen herbivore.
What do you do if you're attacked by a group of clowns? Go straight for the juggler.
My wife said she's getting fed up of my constant guitar puns. I told her not to fret.
Dijon vu - the feeling you get when you use the same mustard as before.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Velcro. What a rip off.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone. Then it dawned on me.
I wrote a song about tortilla. Actually it's more of a wrap.
Today my phone died. There will be no reception.
How do you turn soup into gold? You add 24 carrots.
A book just fell on my head. I only have myshelf to blame.
Sleep? There’s a nap for that.
I just can't get enough of stories with female protagonists. I guess you could say I'm a heroine addict.
I know a guy addicted to brake fluid, he says he can stop anytime.
I shot a man in paintball just to watch him dye.
Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.
After time traveling I was still hungry, so it went back four seconds.
When I was little my dad would put me in a tire and roll me down a hill for fun. Those were Goodyears.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity, it's impossible to put down!
My recliner and I go way back.
Changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.