Saturday, May 30, 2009

Random Word Writing Contest #7

Write a paragraph or two using the following random words:

letter, glacier, glue, hand sanitizer

Entries may be poetry, prose, fiction, essays or interviews.
(or any other form of creatively written expression.)
Just be funny, clever and theological...
and give your piece a TITLE.
The winner will be announced on
June 5th
and will be awarded a
Calvinistic Cartoons Excellence in Random Word Writing Award.
They make a great paper airplane!


  1. Roy was a man who was desperately attempting to gain some sort of concrete assurance of his salvation. After a vigorous letter writing campaign to every televangelist and spiritual guru he could think of, Roy finally received a response from a Mr. Brian McLaren. Mr. McLaren's response is as follows:

    Dear Roy,
    I cannot tell you just how tickled pink I was to receive your letter which clearly articulated a spiritual dilemma which so many seekers are facing these days.
    Now Roy, if one were to briefly look at the scripture, as well as deeply ponder the ancient writings of the Desert Fathers in addition to all Gnostic authors, Roman Catholic monks, and mystic Quakers, the search for salvific assurance really becomes quite simple.
    Paul tells us quite pointedly in 2 Corinthians 13:5 the following:
    Test yourselves to see if you are in the faith; examine yourselves! Or do you not recognize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you-- unless indeed you fail the test?
    Now, what is this test you might ask. Well Roy, I am happy to announce the answer to that question which comes via painstaking research and the gathering of some of the greatest eisegetical minds mother Earth could pony up. And I am talking about shadowy men the likes of Rob Bell, Doug Pagitt and Phylis Tickle. Through several minutes of collectively pooling over the scriptures and untold hours of Contemplative Spiritual Mysticism, we were able to finally nail down the allusive test of which Paul spoke of.
    The test is as follows:
    Glacier is to glue as hand sanitizer is to __________.
    Good luck Roy and welcome to the family of god.
    Your spiritual guide and all around good buddy,
    Brian McLaren

  2. Good News from a Far Country

    I received a letter from missionaries Dorothy and Myrtle Pruitt about their sabbatical to the Northwest Territories. I hope you will be encouraged by their news.

    Dear _____________,

    “We were invited to visit the indigenous tribe who live at the base of the Quuqumokmok Glacier which can be loosely translated to mean “Very, very cold.” To our great surprise and joy, many of the people were Christians. However, one major antagonist to the faith was the tribe leader. He was an atheist and mocked the Bible, even though his dear wife had become a Christian. There was also trouble from this young American, Harvey Slick. He used to sell high priced church Powerpoint systems and authored the book “How to Raise Homing Lemmings for Fun and Profit”. He finally settled on a working for Scamway. He thought he could visit native tribes disguised as a missionary and sign them up for his pyramid scheme. Mr. Slick also brought boxes and boxes of Scamway products with him for sale and bribery. We were very concerned that many of the dear people would fall prey to his scam, but after much earnest prayer, God intervened in the most surprising way.

    In an effort to entice the men of the tribe, Mr. Slick got himself invited to one of their meetings. To sell the Scamway hand sanitizer and pass himself off as a missionary, he used the product as an illustration of how Jesus cleanses us from the germs of sin and proceeded to douse himself with it. Not to be outdone by this “missionary”, the chief did the same. Mr. Slick then attempted to lay hands on the other man's head to invoke a sales blessing. There was a brief struggle as the chief resisted. But to their great horror, the bottle was mislabeled. Instead of hand sanitizer, it was extra strong super glue!

    Poor Mr. Slick and the chief were glued together for nearly 24 hours. At first the chief, was as angry as a polar bear with a sore bunion, but the more he struggled the more it pulled what little hair he had remaining on his head. After a day of this, they were convinced it was the judgment of God and were sobbing with repentance by the time the ordeal was over. (Interestingly, moose fat did the trick in getting them free.)

    Mr. Slick repented of his sins, his devious salesmanship, and impersonating a missionary. He now runs a Krispy Kreme shop in Lipidville, ND and attends a Bible believing church. He maintains a close friendship with the chief and ships him boxes of donuts and theology books.

    What is quite amazing is that on the morning of that remarkable day, the chief opened his wife's Bible and read a verse. He challenged God to make that verse true by the end of the day, if He was real, or else he would burn all the Bibles in the town. Since that day, he became a Christian and has never doubted the Word of God again.

    By the way, the verse that he read was Proverbs 18:24,

    “And there is a friend who sticketh closer than a brother.”

    Your sisters in Christ,

    Dorothy and Myrtle Pruitt


Related Posts with Thumbnails