Saturday, February 20, 2010

Write Your Own Story #1

Experimental post. If you like we keep.
If you no like we don't keep.
I will kick things off with a little story I call,

Kinko Marcel, the vice-president of my deacon board, came in with a sermon he had prepared for me to preach this Sunday. 
"Put it on the table and get out. Can't you see I am in prayer?" I pointed to the envelope on my antique oak desk, "Your payment is all there. Next time, I want a sermon that will increase the giving. I want a sermon that will convict that penny-pinching congregation of mine to double-tithe! Now leave before I give Herman Mince your position."
I never like Kinko. His name alone left a bitter taste in my mouth. He was getting too ambitious for my liking. He would have to be fired and soon. I just needed to find someone else who would write my sermons.
I alone should have the preeminence at the Church on the Pathway. After all, I started it myself back in 1984. The day my big brother died in a skiing accident.


  1. If it wasn't for all these "Bible-Thumpers," I would do just like my old EC buddy Brian McClaren and hobble together another Christianity, another Jesus, and another Gospel to my liking. I mean their stupid trust in those dusty old books obviously written over centuries by who knows who is completely ridiculous!

    The only problem is the synod has been sending out their spies lately. They have heard something from someone. That will bring nothing but trouble might even make me look bad...I know, I will have to create a little trap for them and do a little research on their backgrounds...I can't let them Biblicists get too close with those spies.

    Hmm...I know I'll call them all Hyper-Calvinists! Yeah and get a little twisted double predestination accustion going from some old feeble-minded sheep who wouldn't know theology if it introduced itself!...That'll stop them!

    Otherwise, I will just have to excommunicate all those Thumpers!

  2. "Dr. Ruckman, if the students find out you've been withholding these- how shall I say- "manuscripts" from the board of regents, the very reputation of the KJV 1611AV is at stake! Surely you don't expect me to be the one to pencil in verse 7 in 1 John 5, do you???

  3. "Make sure now one sees you take that book bag back to the secret vault under the sanctuary. Inside that bag is my most prized possession. Do you know what that is, Markus? It's a 1200 years old Byzantine manual on the mystical and secret art of using shadow puppets as sermon illustrations. Now hurry along, Markus, I fear Dr. Whitby from the 4th Street PCA suspects something. No one must be allowed to know of this book's existence!"

  4. Great stories guys! You had me in tears.


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