"Don't give me none uh that regulative principle hogwash, pardner. Ain't ya ever read Psalm 150?!"
The Psalms were originally sung, and they used instruments too. So sit there and listen and don't give me none of that "guitars are of the devil" business.
If ya don't what to get the business end of pistol pack'in Patty's lead dispenser than I reckon ya'll best sit down back there and stop yell'in Servetus! ever time I time I sing Sovereign Grace Oe'r Sin Abounding.
Inspired by the Dueling Banjos phenomenon, Johnny Strum - a theologically-minded cowboy - decided to challenge Arminian guitarists in tuneful debate.Unfortunately, his opponents were sometimes sore losers... so he hired a bodyguard: Twila Tulip, a woman predestined to have good aim.
Johnny: ViennaVienna: Yes JohnnyJohnny: See that feller on the second row?Vienna: Sure do.Johnny: I think he's sangin off keyVienna: You want I should plug him?Johnny: No Vienna, let's just give him the evil eye till he stops
Woman: Pardon me for interrupting the worship music but I noticed some of you were not clapping and singing along. Here at Saddleback, the only thing we do not tolerate is a lack of enthusiasm for our top-notch, world-class, entertaining worship music. Now once "I Shot the Sheriff" begins, I expect to see you guys worshipping or you may find that the sheriff is not the only one who gets shot...[Saddleback Church, Saloon, Livery, & Taxidermy did not tolerate dissention in its ranks...]
Johnny and June invited young Bill to join their singing until he came in skinny jeans and started singing "Man in the Mirror" by Michael Jackson.
Pastor whispering behind the new music ministers:"I don't care how 'hip' you are, cigarettes are not acceptable, nor are they appropriate props. And no more jokes about being saddle sore."
Failed Early Cowboy Songs for CalvinistsShe'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes.She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes.She'll be comin' round the mountain, Its predestined so I'm certain,She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes.She'll be ridin' six white horses when she comes.She'll be ridin' six white horses when she comes.Just like in the book of RevelationIt's cause she had a transformationShe'll be ridin' six white horses when she comes.
It don't make no difference if you ARE a Fundamentalist Baptist. When Pastor Ellie here tells you to "dance in the spirit," you WILL dance in the spirit, unless, of course, you don't mind losing a few of your toes.
And when Steve played one more verse of "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For," Johnny went el-Kabong on Steve with his guitar. He may not have found what he's looking for, but he sure got it.
It was obvious to everyone that the new worship leader at Seek-Your-Own-Glory Megachurch would not last. His guns and cigarettes were no problem at all, but the complete lack of style and the inability to do choreographed dancing were going to be deal killers. This guy was never going to pump up the crowd.
We are the elect, the chosen few.The rest of you are damned.There's room enough in hell for you.We'll not have heaven crammed.
Are you Anonymous or Arminius?
...because you shore ain't a Calvinist!
Shore it's a Spurgeon Panatela Cigar. We don't smoke anything but the best here in Tuliptown.