It was a random Easter Sunday. The big bunny himself had just returned on his gasoline powered scooter as his helpers were also assembling at the hideout. Most of the bunnies had huge success at hiding their eggs and making the focus of the day brightly colored eggs. All, except for one group, who encountered bunch of Calvinist Jesus freaks in Oklahoma. A third group had encountered some Arminians in South Carolina, but they easily joined in the egg hunting fun.
Well done, my minion of rabbits! You once again have met the challenge of distracting the Christians from the cross. Now get rid of those rabbit suits, and into the elf suits. We have a lot of toys to make before Christmas. And don’t worry about those guys in Oklahoma, I have some things planned for them. Remember what I did to Job?
As a Jesus Freak, back in the day Doctrine didn't matter...just random play. To fuel the fires of the carnal mind, a wash of gaslone, match struck, sure felt fine. Have been challenged, as the years sped past, a freak, yet still- For am now one of them Calvin-asts. ;)
"Ah, so this is how it is?" The young Calvinist said as he struggled against the ropes.
"Yes, you monergistic freaks are finally going to taste of my wrath!" The cross-eyed Arminian whispered. His sentence was punctuated with a random twitch of his face, as if saying the word "monergism" was painful.
"What are you going to do with that can of gasoline?" Cal asked.
"I'm going to burn your library." He chuckled darkly. "All of your commentaries will be ashes."
"What? You fiend!"
"Yes, say goodbye to The Institutes, buddy boy, and don't forget The Reformed Doctrine of Predestation...yes, it will all be destroyed!"
"What else could you do? You monster!"
"Burn your John MacArthur collection! BWAHAHAHA!"
"That was a gift from my mother!"
The Arminian grinned darkly, stroking the match as he waved it in front of the young Calvinist. "Your books won't be a challenge for the flame my friend...they will all go up in smoke."
"Yes," The Calvinist said bravely, "But truth will live on."
The Arminian unable to take it, threw his hands up in the air, sending the unlit match flying out the window and the young Calvinist shoved forward sending the chair crashing--right into the Arminian and caused him to stumble backwards, knocking over the bookcase.
You could hear the Arminian scream as the countless tomes of theology buried him, and finally, as Watson's Body of Divinity left the shelf, he was silenced.
"Bwahahaha!" laughed the nefarious super villain, Wesley N. Arminian. His eyed the sleek profile of his John 3:16 missile triumphantly and laughed again.
"With this puppy, I'll nuke all of Calvinopolis! Bye bye, five-point freaks! No more will you challenge me! Your city will burn like a gasoline-soaked hay bale!"
A random thought flitted across his brain. "Not only will I utterly destroy Calvinopolis," he gloated, "I will then build my own city among its ashes. It shall be called, Freewill! Bwahahahaha!"
Will Wesley N. Arminian succeed in carrying out his dastardly plan? Or will Calvinist Man wipe him off the map with a Romans 9 super-punch?
''Good homemade gravy. Calvinist Man!'' Roderick exclaimed, sitting in front of the television.
''I didn't make any gravy this morning," I told my sidekick, yawning. "What are..."
"It's an exclamation," he explained. "Come here, look!"
Yawning again, I nodded, came over, and plopped down on the couch, as the commercial break ended. Seconds later. a middle-aged, balding man appeared on the screen, sitting behind a fancy-schmancy news desk.
"Breaking news," he began excitedly, "Wesley R. Minian is still at large, now on top of a skyscraper, with a hostage - none other than Pastor Michael Tulip's daughter. His demands are simple - the pastor must stop writing on his book about the attributes and such of God, or he must make it strongly Arminian...Or else!"
"Supercalafrajalisticexpealadocious, Calvinist Man! This guy's serious!"
I nodded. "I'm going in."
"Yeah, and I'm going with you."
"No - I need to handle this alone."
Sighing, I closed my eyes, and put my head in my hands. I can't believe he's back...
"Ah, so this is how it is?" The young Calvinist said as he struggled against the ropes that held him to the chair.
"Yes, you monergistic freaks are finally going to taste of my wrath!" The cross-eyed Arminian whispered. His sentence was punctuated with a random twitch of his face, as if saying the word "monergism" was painful.
"What are you going to do with that can of gasoline?" The Calvinist asked, gesturing to the red plastic can in the corner of the dark room.
"I'm going to burn your library." He chuckled darkly. "All of your commentaries will be ashes."
"What? You fiend!" The horror at the thought caused him to gasp.
"Yes, say goodbye to The Institutes, buddy boy, and don't forget The Reformed Doctrine of Predestation, Bondage of the Will, Defense of Calvinism...yes, it will all be destroyed!"
"What else could you do? You monster!"
"Burn your John MacArthur collection! BWAHAHAHA!" He pointed at a shelf filled with the California pastor's writings.
"That was a gift from my mother!"
The Arminian grinned darkly, stroking the match as he waved it in front of the young Calvinist. "Your books won't be a challenge for the flame my friend...they will all go up in smoke."
"Yes," The Calvinist said bravely, "But truth will live on."
The Arminian unable to take the thought of Calvinism being true, threw his hands up in the air angrily, sending the unlit match flying out the window and the young Calvinist shoved forward sending the chair he was tied to crashing right into the Arminian and caused him to stumble backwards, knocking over the bookcase.
You could hear the Arminian scream as the countless tomes of theology buried him, names of Pink, Spurgeon, Luther, Gill, Sproul and others landed one after the other and finally, as Watson's Body of Divinity left the shelf, he was silenced.
This is my second draft. I looked at my other one and saw it was kinda unclear. Here's my official try.
"I trust the challenge has been delivered to the good doctor?" the mad scientist asked his minion.
The demented denizen let out a random laugh, worthy of a freak, and nodded. "Yes, master...Young Mister Spurgeon the fifth has no doubt received it by now."
"Excellent...and, when we debate, he will go up in smoke like a gasoline tank shot with an incendiary bullet..."
"You were saying?" a voice behind the duo demanded.
"CalvinistMan!" they cried, spinning around.
"You...you should be dead," stammered the mad doctor. "Wesley N. Arminian defeated you...did...did he not?"
"Not today, doctor," the hero replied, rearing up for a Romans 9 super-punch. "Not..."
P.S. If a post appeared earlier that did not have any of the words in it, forgive me; I forgot them. I am (and was) writing on a phone, which isn't the best thing to surf the Net, or write, on.
Are you a Christian single who can't seem to find a date for Friday night? Is there a new romantic comedy you want to see with someone destined to be your soul-mate? Would you like to get married someday and settle down?
Well, don't freak out! We have the right answer, right here, right now!
At Predestinating Dating, we don't use worldly computers to match up personality traits and personal preferences - we just throw all the names into a big hat and pick one at random! Then we call you and give you the info! It's all predestined baby! Part of the excitement is in expecting the unexpected!
You might find the love of your life or someone who needs witnessing to!
And all for the predestined price of only $163.47!! Yes! We are just that accurate! That's just about the price of a tank of gasoline for your car!
The first 621 people (we are just that precise!) will receive Rick Warren's newest mini-book, "The Dating-Driven Life", and two tickets to the new Christian film, "Random Word Writing Challenge - The Movie".
The ills of this world seem so random and it's easy to despair. It's the normal one among us who freaks out over the high cost of gasoline, for example. The challenge for us as Christians is to hold rather to the provision of God in all things in the face of waning comfort and convenience.
Rabbititis
ReplyDeleteIt was a random Easter Sunday. The big bunny himself had just returned on his gasoline powered scooter as his helpers were also assembling at the hideout. Most of the bunnies had huge success at hiding their eggs and making the focus of the day brightly colored eggs. All, except for one group, who encountered bunch of Calvinist Jesus freaks in Oklahoma. A third group had encountered some Arminians in South Carolina, but they easily joined in the egg hunting fun.
Well done, my minion of rabbits! You once again have met the challenge of distracting the Christians from the cross. Now get rid of those rabbit suits, and into the elf suits. We have a lot of toys to make before Christmas. And don’t worry about those guys in Oklahoma, I have some things planned for them. Remember what I did to Job?
Bwhahahahahah!
A FREAK STILL
ReplyDeleteAs a Jesus Freak, back in the day
Doctrine didn't matter...just random play.
To fuel the fires of the carnal mind, a wash of gaslone, match struck, sure felt fine.
Have been challenged, as the years sped past, a freak, yet still-
For am now one of them Calvin-asts. ;)
Capture
ReplyDelete"Ah, so this is how it is?" The young Calvinist said as he struggled against the ropes.
"Yes, you monergistic freaks are finally going to taste of my wrath!" The cross-eyed Arminian whispered. His sentence was punctuated with a random twitch of his face, as if saying the word "monergism" was painful.
"What are you going to do with that can of gasoline?" Cal asked.
"I'm going to burn your library." He chuckled darkly. "All of your commentaries will be ashes."
"What? You fiend!"
"Yes, say goodbye to The Institutes, buddy boy, and don't forget The Reformed Doctrine of Predestation...yes, it will all be destroyed!"
"What else could you do? You monster!"
"Burn your John MacArthur collection! BWAHAHAHA!"
"That was a gift from my mother!"
The Arminian grinned darkly, stroking the match as he waved it in front of the young Calvinist. "Your books won't be a challenge for the flame my friend...they will all go up in smoke."
"Yes," The Calvinist said bravely, "But truth will live on."
The Arminian unable to take it, threw his hands up in the air, sending the unlit match flying out the window and the young Calvinist shoved forward sending the chair crashing--right into the Arminian and caused him to stumble backwards, knocking over the bookcase.
You could hear the Arminian scream as the countless tomes of theology buried him, and finally, as Watson's Body of Divinity left the shelf, he was silenced.
That's my try!
Anybody tell you, you are brilliant?
ReplyDeleteGregg Metcalf
Colossians 1:28-29
Gospel-driven Disciples
WESLEY N. ARMINIAN
ReplyDelete"Bwahahaha!" laughed the nefarious super villain, Wesley N. Arminian. His eyed the sleek profile of his John 3:16 missile triumphantly and laughed again.
"With this puppy, I'll nuke all of Calvinopolis! Bye bye, five-point freaks! No more will you challenge me! Your city will burn like a gasoline-soaked hay bale!"
A random thought flitted across his brain. "Not only will I utterly destroy Calvinopolis," he gloated, "I will then build my own city among its ashes. It shall be called, Freewill! Bwahahahaha!"
Will Wesley N. Arminian succeed in carrying out his dastardly plan? Or will Calvinist Man wipe him off the map with a Romans 9 super-punch?
Calvinist Man
ReplyDelete''Good homemade gravy. Calvinist Man!'' Roderick exclaimed, sitting in front of the television.
''I didn't make any gravy this morning," I told my sidekick, yawning. "What are..."
"It's an exclamation," he explained. "Come here, look!"
Yawning again, I nodded, came over, and plopped down on the couch, as the commercial break ended. Seconds later. a middle-aged, balding man appeared on the screen, sitting behind a fancy-schmancy news desk.
"Breaking news," he began excitedly, "Wesley R. Minian is still at large, now on top of a skyscraper, with a hostage - none other than Pastor Michael Tulip's daughter. His demands are simple - the pastor must stop writing on his book about the attributes and such of God, or he must make it strongly Arminian...Or else!"
"Supercalafrajalisticexpealadocious, Calvinist Man! This guy's serious!"
I nodded. "I'm going in."
"Yeah, and I'm going with you."
"No - I need to handle this alone."
Sighing, I closed my eyes, and put my head in my hands. I can't believe he's back...
Capture (Revised for Clarity)
ReplyDelete"Ah, so this is how it is?" The young Calvinist said as he struggled against the ropes that held him to the chair.
"Yes, you monergistic freaks are finally going to taste of my wrath!" The cross-eyed Arminian whispered. His sentence was punctuated with a random twitch of his face, as if saying the word "monergism" was painful.
"What are you going to do with that can of gasoline?" The Calvinist asked, gesturing to the red plastic can in the corner of the dark room.
"I'm going to burn your library." He chuckled darkly. "All of your commentaries will be ashes."
"What? You fiend!" The horror at the thought caused him to gasp.
"Yes, say goodbye to The Institutes, buddy boy, and don't forget The Reformed Doctrine of Predestation, Bondage of the Will, Defense of Calvinism...yes, it will all be destroyed!"
"What else could you do? You monster!"
"Burn your John MacArthur collection! BWAHAHAHA!" He pointed at a shelf filled with the California pastor's writings.
"That was a gift from my mother!"
The Arminian grinned darkly, stroking the match as he waved it in front of the young Calvinist. "Your books won't be a challenge for the flame my friend...they will all go up in smoke."
"Yes," The Calvinist said bravely, "But truth will live on."
The Arminian unable to take the thought of Calvinism being true, threw his hands up in the air angrily, sending the unlit match flying out the window and the young Calvinist shoved forward sending the chair he was tied to crashing right into the Arminian and caused him to stumble backwards, knocking over the bookcase.
You could hear the Arminian scream as the countless tomes of theology buried him, names of Pink, Spurgeon, Luther, Gill, Sproul and others landed one after the other and finally, as Watson's Body of Divinity left the shelf, he was silenced.
This is my second draft. I looked at my other one and saw it was kinda unclear. Here's my official try.
@Michael: Hahahaha! That was great! :)
ReplyDeleteDoctor A.R. Minian
ReplyDelete"I trust the challenge has been delivered to the good doctor?" the mad scientist asked his minion.
The demented denizen let out a random laugh, worthy of a freak, and nodded. "Yes, master...Young Mister Spurgeon the fifth has no doubt received it by now."
"Excellent...and, when we debate, he will go up in smoke like a gasoline tank shot with an incendiary bullet..."
"You were saying?" a voice behind the duo demanded.
"CalvinistMan!" they cried, spinning around.
"You...you should be dead," stammered the mad doctor. "Wesley N. Arminian defeated you...did...did he not?"
"Not today, doctor," the hero replied, rearing up for a Romans 9 super-punch. "Not..."
P.S. If a post appeared earlier that did not have any of the words in it, forgive me; I forgot them. I am (and was) writing on a phone, which isn't the best thing to surf the Net, or write, on.
God bless.
These are some good comments, mates. Keep them up!
ReplyDeletePREDESTINATING DATING
ReplyDeleteAre you a Christian single who can't seem to find a date for Friday night? Is there a new romantic comedy you want to see with someone destined to be your soul-mate? Would you like to get married someday and settle down?
Well, don't freak out! We have the right answer, right here, right now!
At Predestinating Dating, we don't use worldly computers to match up personality traits and personal preferences - we just throw all the names into a big hat and pick one at random! Then we call you and give you the info! It's all predestined baby! Part of the excitement is in expecting the unexpected!
You might find the love of your life or someone who needs witnessing to!
And all for the predestined price of only $163.47!! Yes! We are just that accurate! That's just about the price of a tank of gasoline for your car!
The first 621 people (we are just that precise!) will receive Rick Warren's newest mini-book, "The Dating-Driven Life", and two tickets to the new Christian film, "Random Word Writing Challenge - The Movie".
Do it now, I tells ya!
Awesome!!! Where do I sign up?!
ReplyDelete@Joel the Immerser: Haha! Love it! Great continuation! Calvinist Man ought to be an honest-to-goodness comic strip! :)
ReplyDelete@Joel: Awesome two parter. I like the idea of a comic book too, that could go places.
ReplyDeleteProvisional Perspective
ReplyDeleteThe ills of this world seem so random and it's easy to despair. It's the normal one among us who freaks out over the high cost of gasoline, for example. The challenge for us as Christians is to hold rather to the provision of God in all things in the face of waning comfort and convenience.