Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Strange Eschatology

An Interview with the Reverend Gucci Hummina
A small section from last weeks radio program, "Utter Prophecies":

Reverend Gucci, would you please explain to our listeners, your view of the rapture?
Well, I believe there will be a "partial" rapture. Not the partial rapture that has been touted by those who misread prophecy...y'know...some believers left behind and some taken in advance. No sir, that's just stupid. I'm of the belief that EVERY believer will be partially raptured in a twinkling of an eye.

Would you please explain what you mean?
Well, I am trying to...but, you keep interrupting me. By the way, you won't be in that number monkey man.
Y'see, "partial" means "partial", and that's all it means. When the trumpet blows...and fyi...that tune will be "Shall We Gather at the River"...Christians will have their feet taken to Heaven, first. Then, their legs, hands, arms, torso and finally, their heads. It won't be gory or bloody or anything like that, mind you, it'll be beautiful. 

That's sound completely insane if you ask me!
Well, city boy, nobody asked you! You don't get it because you are ignorant of hidden messages. It's actually a message in itself! Our feet do the walking. Our feet has carried us into sin and into church. Our feet take us where we want to go. It's been that way all our lives. So our feet go first, leaving us on our backs so we can see the Rapture unfold. 

What about those who are left? Won't they see these weird amputations occurring? 
Not at all. Y'see...time will stop for unbelievers. We will see this happen...it will last for more than an hour...but, for lost dudes, like yourself, it will all happen in a microsecond. 

How many Christians believe this? Can you back up your claims with Scripture?
Whoever reads my book, "Defeeted at the Rapture", will see the truth and will join our movement. We now have, at least, forty two, who have joined our Facebook page...and, yes, of course I can back up my claims with Scripture!.....

Well?
Well what! I don't owe you an explanation. Read my book! It's all there! Anyway, I have an appointment with Toni and Guy. I will be appearing on TBN tonight as an honored guest speaker. I tag-team preach with Jan Crouch...I just hope she doesn't interrupt me as much as you do. I'm outta here!

15 comments:

  1. His eschatology gives a whole new meaning to every knee will bow...

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  2. I'd ask if anyone else saw the Reverend Gucci Hummina at a Benny Finney meeting last week but then you'd know what mischief I get up to wouldn't you?

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  3. I don't know about him being at the Benny Finney meeting, but I think he was at the Benny Hinn meeting. Same difference.

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  4. At what stage does Hal Lindsey's moustache get raptured? :-{

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  5. That picture of Rev. Gucci Hummina really creeps me out. Looks like someone who might live in a "compound" with his 24 wives, whose ages range from 7 to 37.

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  6. He reminds ME of my little brother, Clint.

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  7. So God brings us into heaven one piece at a time...

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  8. I'm sure he and Jack Van Impe would get along.

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  9. Aha, you stupid Calvinist bigfoots! This stuff's high quality see! I suppose you're gonna suggest there's no free will, next! Well, looks like I'll have to have Kill U. Here, kill you here!

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  10. Death threats from a guy who looks like a blind clown dressed him. What's next?

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  11. @Michael: Victory. USA! USA! USA! United Sensational Arminians!

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  12. Cut the guy some slack... It took years to grow the beard and bald.

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  13. Matthew McConnaheythereFebruary 3, 2014 at 3:51 PM

    I'm afraid he will end up crying, "Piece, piece when there is no piece".

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