The HuntLyle Jones walked slowly through the jungle. His Mossberg Mariner rifle by his side. He knew what he was hunting, he just really didn't want to think about it.The jungle was dark, and dirty. He had trekked through over a hundred miles and gathered much dirt under his nails. All hunting for the Arminian Monkey.To say the beast was foul would be quite an understatement. A mad Arminian who ran a blog that was the answer to a Calvinistic one had finally tipped over the edge and found the monkey that the world had been dreading for years, training it in Arminian theology and setting it loose once more.The natives, who had learned surprisingly good theology from a missionary, said that the monkey "stinketh" and Lyle was unsure, he didn't have experience with "stinking monkeys" (pun intended).Wait. He thought, what was that? He brought the rifle up and peered through the scope into the distance, spotting his prey, the monkey was scanning the jungle. It was wearing a clever disguise, a diving helmet from long ago, why was it wearing that? What kind of plot? The tattoo that read "Predestined to be an Arminian" was clearly visible on the monkey's arm. Tucked under it's arm was a book by Jack Schaap. Lyle knew he had his prey.Lyle tried to catch his breath as he loaded an Ephesians 1 bullet into the rifle, hoping it was enough to take down the beast. He brought the scope up to his eye, and whispered: "Choose this!" and pulled the trigger. He had to take the terrible beast down before it spread it's terror all over the world...
I can write a complete sentence using these words in just 4 words. Here goes: "Dark Monkey Nails Stinketh."
As I reclined on the sofa one evening reading the newspaper, I noticed that my wife was clicking her nails as though she were perturbed. I lowered the paper and looked across the room. Sure enough, she had a dark look on her face as she gazed into the King James Bible she was reading. Keeping her brow furrowed, she kept her face toward the Bible and looked past it toward me.Seeing my interest, she said, "Was the King James Version translated by a monkey?""What?!" I exclaimed.She continued, "When Jesus went to raise Lazarus from the dead, Mary said to Jesus, 'Lord, by this time he stinketh: for he hath been dead four days.' Stinketh! That just doesn't sound right!"
Wesley N. & Billy GrahamI was walking along like I did almost every afternoon. Only this time, I would be visited by none other than Wesley N."Your dark monkey nails stinketh, slime," a voice from behind me cackled as I walked along in the night. Tense, I spun around, grabbing my Maglite XL50 flashlight, and shining it at the insulter, who quickly yelped at the 104 lumen beam."Watch it, Calvinist boy!" the insulter, a man dressed in a monkey suit, yelled, arms shielding his face."What's your name?" I queried cautiously."Wesley N.," he replied, smiling."Wesleyan?" I guessed."Wesley N.!" the insaniac repeated, smile somewhat diminished."Wesley N.," I echoed, nodding. Then my face hardened. "What do you want, knave?" I demanded, clicking the light onto "Low" mode with three clicks."Your nails disgust me!" he screamed, jumping up and down. "RRRAAAHHHHH!!!!!""My fingernails are fine!""How do you like this face?" he inquired softly, smiling dementedly. "Wanna take a picture, send it to someone...close? Not in proximity, but in relation?""Have you been reading Finney's systematic theology or something?"He cackled. "That's right...Dodge...keep dodging...""Dodging what?! I'm not dodging anything!"The madman drew a banana from one of the suit's front pockets, which he quickly began peeling. As he took a bite of it, he began speaking again."I'm gonna destroy you like this banana, boy!" he screamed, then drawing a copy of The Purpose-Driven Life.I gasped. "NO! NOT THAT BOOK! NO! STOP IT! STOP IT, PLEASE! STOP IT!""MUHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!!!! FEAR ME, MISTER HOLMES! FEAR ME!""How did you know my name?" I asked, calming down slightly."I'm psychic, pretty-boy.""I believe you mean, 'Psycho.'"In a surprise move, he threw the banana at my head, then put his fists up."Come on, pretty-boy! Let's get spiritual!""I think you mean, 'Let's get physical.'""After we get physical, boy, you're gonna get spiritual - boy!""You were in an asylum, weren't you?""Asylum schsmylum, I..."He gasped, giving himself a self-hug, and looked around, shaking. Something had his attention."Do you hear that?" he inquired, looking around frantically."Hear what?""It's Billy Graham preaching a sermon about how God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life!" To my surprise, the demented chap rushed over to me and took hold of my collar."I want me some of that preaching, boy! And I'm gonna get me some of that preaching...boy!"He took off with a strange sort of run in the direction of a baseball stadium which loud noises were coming from, and, after going about a hundred feet, hopped inside an ice cream truck, which he somehow started up. I looked on in awe as he drove on towards the horrible preaching.Thus was my encounter with Wesley N.(Inspired by Julian Smith)
Oops, I had it where my character was walking at night, then I decided to have it in the afternoon...Just pretend it says "evening." :-D
TOTAL LUNAR ECLIPSEDear Eddie,At first, I was a little disappointed to find out that the total Lunar eclipse that you awarded me last week would not be visible in North America. Yesterday however, I was able to view it live on Google. As the event progressed and Earth's shadow extended across the lunar disk, I discovered that I could monkey around with the cursor and review the eclipse from it's beginning, up to that point. Cool.Tonight, as I type this letter, the brighter than usual full moon is illuminating our Mojave Desert landscape, having emerged from the death-like dark red shadow that had engulfed it several hours ago. I see a symbolic parallel here from the Bible, as I am reminded of how Lazarus emerged from the darkness of death. You know, the part where Martha said, "by this time he stinketh for he has been dead four days"?Well, that about nails down this account of my very own lunar eclipse. Theologically yours,Craig
@Joel: That was hilarious. Wesley N. Somehow I can't see him without the glasses and orange coat.
"Let's get spiritual!" :-D Hahahahaha!
Glad you enjoyed it. It could have been a bit better, but I think it turned out reasonably well. :-)
The MonkeyInspired by Eddie Eddings's latest Random Word challenge.Monkey, monkey in the darkCome with me into the parkThere some folks will reenactChrist's death, resurrection and other facts.The monkey looked upon the nails.However, his understanding fails.For saving him, this cross had no useHe only saw cosmic child abuseHow sad this ape should so thinkethEven Bell said of himself in his book, "He stinketh."Unless you see this man as God,Of course you'll think all this is fraud.God gave himself to save us fromDeath and sin and heathendom.Unless you accept his life and deathAnd life again, you'll perish yet.
These were all de...(wait for it)...lightful!