Sunday, March 14, 2010

Forgotten Cults #2

Eucalyptus Jones

Eucalyptus Jones, the uber-charismatic leader of the cult, Smorgasbordianism, was born in a Lincoln Log Cabin in Tinseltown, Tennessee in 1945. He rose to prominence when he was baptized in the Tinseltown River. Seems he decided not to surface and swam a quarter of a mile under water. The Church body that met there thought he had disappeared. 
Jones, wet and cold, found a cave containing a skeleton, a journal and a box of crackers. Eucalyptus saw this as a sign to proclaim himself "The Angel of Smorgasbordianism". His doctrine was an anything and everything doctrinal buffet that also included broccoli with melted cheese.
He started his "church" in the basement the Alamo in San Antonio, Texas. He quickly amassed seven loyal followers who claimed that Jones could not die. Within three years, Smorgasbordianism had grown into a congregation of eight and moved their "church" to the North Pole where they were never seen until April of 2002. Their frozen bodies were found forming the word, "WHY" on the icy tundra. Upon further investigation and DNA testing, scientists discovered that Eucalyptus Jones had been hit by lightning an hour before the formation.
Eucalyptus Jones was buried, at his cousin's request, in a cement coffin shaped like a ukulele.


  1. What was quite unknown to many was that all of these eight follwers were well known celebs including Immanuel Can’t, Sir Arthur Conan Boil, Ralph Waldo Emersion, Carl Yung, Elizabeth Barney Browning, William Butler Yeast, Helena Keller and nurseryman Johnny Applecore. Thus, Smorgasbordianism would have wider circling influence outside the North Pole.

    The mystery body of the tenth person needed to make all components of the letters of WHY on the ice has led to many millions in federal reseach grants and artic expeditions to answer this. During the 27th endowment of these grants it was speculated that Jones had been electrocuted by a freak surge in the magnetic north pole.

    It was widely misreported that Jones had been hit by the wrath of God but this was quickly poo-pooed in the press when the nature of the celebs forming letter components were understood.

  2. False cults and false prophets - yikes! I should tell you about the time I was pastoring in southern CA when after a morning service, a guy came to me and said he was a prophet sent by God to "straighten out" the church and he was going to start with mine.

    No worries. Since God mediates the rule of church through the Elders, I informed him that God neglected to tell me, so we showed him the door.

  3. He started his "church" in the basement the Alamo in San Antonio, Texas

    Is Pee-wee Herman's bicycle still in the basement of the Alamo?

  4. I was wondering if anyone would get the connection.

  5. Unfair for non-Texans! I have been once to the Alamo and didn't know there was a basement. Was it for Zoro?

  6. @SamWise

    Next time you visit the Alamo, ask the tour guide about the basement.

    ; )


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