Sunday, August 30, 2009

Customized Gospels of John

The above Gospel of John magazine is real and targeted at a specific demographic. What if some organization decided to publish and promote very specialized Gospels for very particular groups?

Here are a few I came up with:

The Gospel of John for people of have some kind of heat rash.
The Gospel of John for those people who are lactate intolerant.
The Gospel of John for people with sinus problems.
The Gospel of John for people who dislike Home Owners Associations.
The Gospel of John for people whose stomach is starting to make noise.
The Gospel of John for those who were granted a stay of execution.
The Gospel of John for those who have an E string missing on their guitar.
The Gospel of John for those with two lug nuts missing on their front right tire.
The Gospel of John for who are lingering near the monkey cage at the zoo.
The Gospel of John for people with ugly pets.
The Gospel of John for people who used to be meteorologists.
The Gospel of John for people who failed to yield the right of way.
...for people who mow their grass way too early in the morning.
...for people who look like Moe of the Three Stooges.
...for those who have tattoos of vegetables on their ankles.
...for people who are late this month paying their electric bill.
...for people who have sneezed on a Betty Boop snow globe.

See if your brain can think of some other people or groups I might have passed over.

btw...I plan on creating some Photoshop versions of these (yours included) in future posts. So the more I have to choose from the better. (...and, of course, full credit for the idea will go to the author of the customized Gospels.)

18 comments:

  1. The Gospel of John for people who like Barry Manilow.
    The Gospel of John for people who eat tofu.
    The Gospel of John for people whose father's name was John.
    The Gospel of John for people named John.
    The Gospel of John for people who enjoy parallel parking.
    The Gospel of John for people who collect Precious Moments figurines.
    The Gospel of John for people diagnosed with halitosis. (Breath mints included with this version.)

    ReplyDelete
  2. You forgot the most important one:

    The Gospel of John for people who read Calvinist Cartoons!

    ReplyDelete
  3. The Gospel of "?" for Theological Progressives: (Gender Neutral Version)

    Features:

    *The title does not include the name "John" because no one knows who really wrote it (but it almost certainly wasn't John).

    *The account of the "woman taken in adultery" (7:53-8:11) has been eliminated.

    *The story of the "woman at the well" (Chapter 4) has been removed, because it probably didn't happen. (The Jews had "no dealings with Samaritans")

    *All gender-specific references have been changed to gender-neutral.

    *Accounts of miracles have been either removed or re-written. For example, in "the feeding of the five thousand", there was really a Long John Silver's and a Holsum Bakery just over the hill, that the out of town crowd didn't know about.

    *The book ends with Jesus and Mary Magdalene buying a bed-and breakfast in Tyre and living happily ever after.

    Craig

    ReplyDelete
  4. The Gospel of John for people who would like to try sushi but can't get past the idea of eating raw fish.
    The Gospel of John for people who are addicted to "Rocky and Bullwinkle".
    The Gospel of John for people who have owned a Chia pet.
    The Gospel of John for people who have spotted Elvis.
    The Gospel of John for people who have inhaled helium from a balloon.
    The Gospel of John for people who prefer their chili with beans.
    The Gospel of John for people who own a Gilligan's Island T-shirt.

    ReplyDelete
  5. The Gospel of John for people in the witness protection plan.
    The Gospel of John for people with a paper cut on their left hand.
    The Gospel of John for people who need new batteries in their fire alarms.
    The Gospel of John for those whose foot has gone to sleep.

    ReplyDelete
  6. The Gospel of John for people suffering from bibliophobia.

    The Gospel of John for people with excess ear hair.

    The (simplified) Gospel of John for Green Bay Packers fans.

    Gspl of Jn 4 txters.

    The Gospel of John for men whose wives look like Abe Vigoda.

    The Gospel of John for men whose wives smell like Abe Vigoda.

    The Gospel of John for people who think the Gospel of John needs to be targeted at specific demographic groups who otherwise wouldn't read the Gospel of John.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thanks for all the great ideas! It will be fun to create covers for some of these. It always amazes me to what extent Christians go to in hopes of making the Gospel "more attractive" to the unbeliever. The great thing is that God uses His word more than our "wisdom" to reach His sheep. Great stuff!

    ReplyDelete
  8. You must be the source of ideas for all the dreadful covers here: http://www.pocketpower.org/code/products.php?group=Gospels

    I've rebuked them, but they don't see the error.

    Just 'cause it can be made fun of don't make it right :-)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Gospel of John for people who have had their GPS stolen.

    Gospel of John for people who spit inordinately when talking.

    Gospel of John for people who have never changed their own tires when stranded on the side of the road.

    Gospel of John for people who stand too close to others in line at the grocery store.

    Gospel of John for amateur film directors.

    Gospel of John for online forum trolls.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Lee Shelton IV_ "Gspl of Jn 4 txters"

    lol; that's the best one imho.

    Craig

    ReplyDelete
  11. lee shelton iv said...
    "The Gospel of John for people who think the Gospel of John needs to be targeted at specific demographic groups who otherwise wouldn't read the Gospel of John."
    Good stuff!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Of the for John Gospel suffering people dyslexia with.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Mickey SquashseedApril 24, 2011 at 9:04 AM

    The Gospel of John for people who pull hair from their ears.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Irving NoodleheadApril 24, 2011 at 9:08 AM

    The Gospel of John for people who like don't own an iPad.

    ReplyDelete
  15. The Gingerbread EisegeteApril 24, 2011 at 9:12 AM

    The Gospel of John for pouting Yugoslavians.

    ReplyDelete
  16. @Stranger. If that wasn't so true, it'd almost be funny.

    I'm off to the Gospel of John for people who were born at least once, though works best on those born again.

    Or if you like, the Gospel of John for nose pickers!

    ReplyDelete
  17. @ Meghan

    It is sad, but true. Except for a little embellishment for the purpose of humor (e.g. Long John Siver's), each "feature" was based on actual liberal tenets, as you well know.

    Craig

    ReplyDelete

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