Excerpts from Nigel's New Book #8

"I am looking forward to being able to talk to the animals, so to speak. Of course, I talk to them now, but it doesn't do a lick of good. We will all be able to communicate with buffalo and wildebeest and underwater creatures such as the giant isopod. Flying is never a problem since gravity will be under our control. Heaven's dwelling places (or "mansions" in KJV) will make the saint feel at home. If someone lived in 1297, then his "apartment" or "condo" will reflect his time period, dirt floor and all. The Alamo will not be there, so you will just have to remember it now. There will be no keys to lock or unlock doors, but there will be doorbells so people just don't walk in unannounced. The doorbell you chose will be your Heavenly theme song. I have already picked the tune for my home in Heaven. It's a little number from WW2, sung by the Andrew Sisters. When you ring a doorbell and hear Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy, you'll know you came to the right house. I'll be dancing like Astaire with my cane as a partner." 

Excerpts from Nigel's New Book #4

"It was C.S. Lewis who said, that '...a Heaven for mosquitoes and a Hell for men could very conveniently be combined.' Well, brother, Mr. Lewis (no relation to Jerry) hit the nail on the head with that statement. All mosquitoes go to Hell when they die. So do centipedes, silverfish and trap-door spiders. For some reason scorpions have their own planet in the new, improved, resurrected universe...it's called the Planet of Scorpions. There is even a constellation pointing the way to it."

The Watch Dogs

Meet "Bud". He is our only watch dog at Calvinistic Cartoons.

He gets paid well in Kibbles and Bits.

Here you find all the watch dogs at Sola Bootstrapa. They are all named "Daisy".

Mental EEL-ness

Eels Always Look Like They Just Told A Joke

And Are Waiting For A Reaction

(found on Facebook - made me laugh)


Noah's Ark in On-Line Photos

For Googlers:

To enlarge right click on pic and a pop-up pops up. Choose "Open image in new tab". Then, click on new tab located now at the tab bar at the top. Now you will be able to increase the size with the little, tiny magnifying glass provided. Thanks goes to Walter Kovacs for bringing this problem to my attention a second time.

Proctologist Discovers Ancient Skeletons

Proctologist, Barney Cankerton of Emu, Nebraska, sent these amazing photos to our office a year ago. We just filed them in the wrong bin and recently discovered them as we were doing inventory. Thanks for your patience Barney, we will be sending you a check for $7,000 in the next few days if we don't misplace it.

Find What's Hidden

Click on the picture and find the hidden animals.

You could win a free entrance to the Wild and Untamed Man-eating Animal Petting Zoo.

Noah

Letters to Vizzini

By way of introduction, Elder Vizzini Montoya, one of six elders at Cocopuff Presbyterian Church in LaQuinta, Idaho, has asked me to post his advice column here. He hopes to be an encouragement to the saints and source of wisdom for the ignorant. Vizzini attended seminary for ten straight years at Buttermilk Bible College in Sweet Tooth, Arkansas before it was simultaneously destroyed by a fire, a flood and a tornado last April.

His first entry tackles the age old "Will my pet be in Heaven" question.

Dear Vizzini,
Last week a visiting evangelist mentioned in his sermon that all pets are idols and will burn in Hell. He said all animals are born to deep fry and singled out Mr. Ed and King Kong as examples of pure animal evil. He said many pets are tail bearers and deserve eternal fire. When I asked him about my pet parrot, Mr. Beaks, he laughed and said my parrot probably never kept his mouth shut! When he left for KFC after the service, a pack of dogs and a small lemming attacked him in the parking lot. I want to know if I will see my pet, Mr. Beaks, in Heaven.
Thank you,
Sheree Sharah


Dear Ms Sharah,
That preacher doesn't know what he is talking about! He is just being bull-headed and catty. We know that there are horses in Heaven. Jesus doesn't return in a helicopter y'know. (see Revelation 19:14) Elijah went up into Heaven with the help of some horses (2 Kings 2:11) God could very well have an entire planet of just dogs, ducks or dolphins. Just remember this - If you really want your pet when you get to Heaven, God will give it to you.
In His Service,
Elder Vizzini Montoya

No Ground to Stand on