Monday, April 19, 2010

Forgotten Cults #4

Jack Benard Nimble
This former stuntman for Joey Bishop formed "The One-Eyed Jacks" Cult after he fell on his head during the filming of "The Joe Besser Story". His group was comprised of men with only one eye who were named "Jack". There were 5 Caucasians named Jack (including himself), 3 Filipinos named Jack, 2 Vulcans named Jack and 1 Black Jack. 
Their church was built in Las Vegas, eleven miles west of the Dipsy Doodle Theological Seminary and Ice Cream Stand. 
Imaginary funerals were held each Sunday for Silent Film Stars, Jack Hoxie and Jack Pickford.

Here are a few of his doctrinal beliefs:

  • Board games are of the Devil and should be ripped apart and soaked in Palmolive.

  • Computer games are of the Devil and should be smashed with a sacred hammer.

  • "Holy Shuffling" is the practice of throwing a deck of cards in the air, picking up only the cards landing face up and setting the rest on fire as a burnt offering.

  • Hell, according to Nimble, was a place of cement, not torment.

  • He taught that Heaven was a neon city with free pretzels and onion rings.

  • Jack B. Nimble also taught that a movie star would rise in the east and travel to the west.
Mr. Nimble was struck by lightning while preaching to a group of film buffs at the grand opening of "Jack the Ripper" starring Jack Palance.
His "church" is now a half-way house for people convicted of illegal parking. 


  1. Eddie,

    I was waiting to see if you were going to mention it, but since you didn't, I will.

    If you enlarge the photo, you may be able to tell that it is Jack's glass eye that we are seeing. The patch is over his good eye. He says that it is to "protect" it, but I don't know if that is true. Very weird!

  2. Thanks, stranger. I forgot to remember.

  3. Some of the cult's members include

    Jack B. Quick
    Jack A. Lope
    Jack N. Abox

  4. Jack B. Nimble’s connection with DDTS raised many theological researchers’ eyebrows because of its original infamous founder “Black Jack,” the English pirate who was notorious for escaping from the authorities in the late 16th century hence his nickname “Jack be nimble.” Black Jack was a known expert at the old tradition and sport of “candle leaping” which used to be practiced at some English fairs. The tradition of candle-leaping originated from an older game of jumping over fires of burning Calvinistic books. DDTS also originated a tradition celebrated during the darkest months of the year called “Candlemas” Day celebrated by drinking grog from large cups made of leather that were made stiffer with an application of tar.

  5. Nimble was eventually defrocked because it was conclusively proven that he didn't know Jack Squat.

  6. For the past half-hour I've been doing some extensive research on this cult, and discovered some interesting developments. It seems that at some point the cult was hijacked by another group in Georgia that call themselves "Cracker-Jacks." (The story about the half-way house for people convicted of illegal parking was just a ruse.)

    And get this, the person in charge of recruiting new members is none other than Jack Bauer. Somehow, they even got one of their ads featured on The Sacred Sandwich.

    Angus never mentioned anything to you about this, Eddie?

  7. An offshoot of the original cult became carpenters, plumbers, Candle-stick makers, etc. and were known as the "Jacks of all Trades."

    Early followers found it hard to get Jack to commit to a set creed because he claimed it would make him "Jack in the Box."

    The offspring of a famous glee club member became a cult member was known as "Jackie the Glee Son"

  8. Membership requirements for the new church in town were pretty simple. You had to be a one eyed James Bond impersonator.

  9. I was scanning the "Forgotten Cults" posts and was struck by the number of cult leaders who ended their live being "struck by lightning" (or something very similar).

    Rather suspicious I think.


Related Posts with Thumbnails