What If #3

What if Rick Warren had written THIS book instead of the other? Would Obama have asked Warren to give the invocation at the presidential inauguration in January 2009? Would John Piper have invited him to be a keynote speaker for the Desiring God Conference 2010? Would Rick have met Larry King? What do YOU think?

Rick Warren and the Dark Knight

Old Baptist Magazine

Someone out there may have this issue. One of the featured articles is entitled, "The No's Job" by Harley Noya. It explains how to turn "no's" into "yes's" before they realize what happened. Another article, "Folding Tracts into Airplanes", tells how you can sail a tract right into the dinner plate of an unsuspecting target for the Gospel. "How to Cast Pearls Before Swine", reminds us that we should witness to everyone, no matter what their attitude or the situation. It's pure Arminian Baptist at it's best!

Guess Who? #5

Okay Buckaroos, this time there are TWO identities to guess. And I have difficult clues for both. The female was hired by Bing Crosby to sing at the Turf Club and the male was circus acrobat by age 8 and later appeared at the Century of Progress exposition in Chicago with a trapeze act. Both are well known as other characters from TV's past.

Who are they? What does this have to do with Calvinism you ask? Well, pardon me for being human! The way I look at it, EVERYTHING has to do with Calvinism, in some form or fashion. Thank you.

Uncle Wiggily's Hidden Agenda

I always suspected that the Uncle Wiggily Board Game I was given by my Uncle Vern had a hidden agenda...I just didn't know what a hidden agenda was.

Corky and a New Friend

Corky makes new friends wherever he goes!

Here he is seen visiting the Old Sailor's Retirement Center in Jack-Tar, Florida. His new friend, he nick-named "Doc" is looking for an old one-eyed sailor who smokes a pipe and eats spinach. Seems they have a score to settle. Corky has a gift not unlike Francis of Assisi. Animals of all kinds take a liking to him when he is present. Just yesterday, he received an invitation from the Elks Club. Corky Velveeta's only natural enemy is the Great Spotted Kiwi of the Southern Alps.  

Guess Who? #4

The man on the right, in the white hat and chaps is the one you will need to identify. Feel free to throw in a caption or two if you like. Here is your clue: This man attempted to showcase his versatility, by singing on the Tony Bennett television show years ago. That was really a lousy clue (but true) so I will give you one more: He was in the movie, Samson and Delilah. If you think it will help, try to imagine him with a beard. 

Could be a Trap

Guess Who? #3

Identify the man and win the Mason-Dixon Line!
The boundary line between Pennsylvania and Maryland, as run before the Revolution (1764-1767) by two English astronomers named Charles Mason and Jeremiah Dixon. Your only clue is that he was, in real life, an ordained Methodist minister.
Remember this is a "Guess Who" not "Find out who it is THEN tag him" contest. So jump in and guess away!

Melodrama

Guess Who? #2

Okay, everyone, I had to make this one a lot tougher than the last one. 

Here are your clues:

Both men, pictured above, are beloved Presbyterian ministers who were born in Texas. Both were authors of several books. Both had regular radio broadcasts. Both died in their sleep in 1988.

The prize for the one who gets the correct answers first - (and I don't think that will happen anytime soon) - will be the coordinates of some buried treasure!

You have to correctly identify BOTH men to claim the treasure! Start your guesses!

Just for Laughs #91

Take a flight of fancy and land with a clever caption!

Night and Day You are the One

Guess Who? #1

Guess the identity of the man pictured above and win the planet Jupiter's magnetic field! That's right! Ownership of a planet's entire magnetic field is legal, except for those living in Burkina Faso, formerly Upper Volta, where half the magnetic field goes to the government.

Here is a clue: This person was born on my birthday and died when I was six months old. (the answer to this clue is buried in the archives somewhere)...also, the people that will appear in these contests, may or may not be a Christian.

Or forget the clue and just guess! The first to get it right wins the prize!

Arminian Antics #2

Benny Finney is at it again!

Forgotten Cults #8

Rocco Yeast

Founder of "The C.U.L.T."

Rocco made his first million dollars before turning twenty. Then served the next six years in the slammer for counterfeiting. As he stayed in prison, Rocco became more like Boaz before he met Ruth . In other words, he was ruthless. He yelled several mean things at a guard, threw a harmonica at the warden and even slapped a fellow prisoner named Coddington Borax. Once he spit in the pancake batter during breakfast.

In the summer of 2001, while in solitary confinement, he started a cult of one. CULT being an acronym for Criminals Utterly Ludicrous Theology. He made up his own rules, and fasted only when sleeping. He taught himself pig latin and spoke in that language for the rest of his life. He wrote his own bible on the walls of his cell and claimed they were inspired by the ghosts of Baby Face Nelson and Machine Gun Kelly.

He escaped the Montego Bay prison in 2003 and started a church, "The Cult", at a Bed, Bath and Beyond warehouse in Walla Walla under the name, Reverend Nelson Kelly. Although he baptised eight "converts" in one day, he never let them join his one-man cult. Instead, he would rob them at gun point and tell them it was their "offering".

Police arrived at the Bed, Bath and Beyond one day after being tipped off by a Mr. Goodwrench. The only thing they found was Rocco's body, still smokin' from some kind of freak electrical charge. Rocco Yeast is buried in the You Can't Escape THIS Prison Cemetery in Pinkerton, Montana.

His epitath on his tombstone reads:

Here lies Rocco Yeast

Pardon me for not rising.

Bob Dylan once sang a song about Rocco that was never written down, performed or recorded.

NEWS FLASH!

Because of the Icelandic vocanic ash, I will not be able to create any more posts today. A team of scientists called me on the phone and said, in unison, that I should be able to post my next entry after 3:15 a.m.

Things should be back to "normal" tomorrow. Until then, I am stranded here at home in Kuwait.

Forgotten Cults #7

Fritz Hakunamatata

Fritz was a successful toupee salesman in Rocky Mount, North Carolina when he was struck by a car and hurled into a pastry shop. After a three day coma, he awoke with his idea of the true meaning of life. He realized that you can eat your cake and have it too by making two cakes. The day he was released he started the "Mystical Cake Walk Society". Within a week he had two hundred and two members.

Fritz Hakunamatata taught that the ingredients of life must have a mystical frosting. Chanting "Flour Power!" or "We knead dough!" would bring it to the top.

Fritz also preached that Hell was temporary.

"It is just an easy bake oven set on 200 degrees where evil scones are transformed into good little cupcakes."

He rented an airplane hanger and held weekly services where everyone would bake a cake with a "gift" inside. Then they would form a single file and walk into town distributing the cakes to strangers. Some cakes contained hand written poems of peace and love. Others might have a useful object like a toenail clipper or a can of transmission fluid.

Inside his place of worship, thousands of birthday candles burned brightly. 

"The birthday candle represents the light of other days. Its fate is to die of consumption yet it always makes light of it misfortune," Mr. Hakunamatata told police after the fire.

After serving two months in jail, Fritz became even more unstable. Oddly, his followers never questioned his motives or mental health. They followed blindly as he set fire to silos across the state of North and South Carolina.

"These fires will light up the sky like giant birthday candles! They will cure the world of..." Fritz never finished his statement. He was killed by a cloud-to-ground lightning burst.

"Well, that takes the cake!" Mrs. Hakunamatata said the funeral.

Fritz was cremated and stored in the freezer at the Patty Cake Bakery in Waffle Town, New Jersey. 

Forgotten Cults #6

Omar Bunklebeads

Leader of "The Church of Niceness" Cult

Founded: Incorporated as a church in 1959 by Omar Alexander Bunklebeads (1913-1989). Based largely on his pop-up book "A Body of Divinity Candy Recipes", published in 1950.

Current Organization: The Church of Niceness is overseen by the Church of Niceness International (CNI) in Los Dominos, CA. The current president is Vernon Crabtree. There are approximately 3 Niceness churches in the United States and 2 on islands somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean. We can't locate them right now.

Description: The Church of Niceness (CON) can be described as a hybrid between a religion and tooth decay. Despite the fact that it recognizes a Supreme Intelligence, there is no developed theology of what that God is like. Rather, Niceness followers gather in circles and shout out what they feel the "truth" is. Everything said is confirmed by two or three paid witnesses, written down on a Hello Kitty notepad, placed into a helium balloon and then released from the roof of the church.

Omar Bunklebeads claimed to have been taken to Heaven in a cardboard box and given a tour by a talking mouse. Later they discovered he had been heavily medicated and was actually at Disneyland.
Omar was married five times and divorced twice. On the day of his fifth wedding, he was smitten by an atmospheric discharge of electricity accompanied by thunder. He bride jumped clear and escaped injury.
Omar was cremated and placed in a zip-lock freezer bag and mailed to the only person he truly admired, Wink Martindale.  

Corky Has Fun

Corky Velveeta knows how to have a good time! On assignment in Saskatchewan, Canada. Here he is seen inventing his own extreme luge at Six Flags Over Saskatoon.

The doctor says he will be out of the hospital in a few days. Corky requests donations be made to the Saskatoon Hospital for Costumed Mascots. Get well soon!

Got Tracts?

Someday you may run into one of these kooky cult members. Share the Gospel! If someone tells you that you are hooked on Jesus or that you are a Bible addict. If they say you are strung out on God or that you are too dependent on Sovereign Grace.
Show them your tracts!

Click here for Gospel tracts!

Forgotten Cults #5

Spencer T. Laveen

"The Church of the Holy Mackerel" started after an unusual dream where an Angelfish told Mr. Laveen his mission in life was to start a new religion. The Angelfish said he should start recruiting members immediately. He awoke and found an empty bottle of Cod Liver Oil beside him. He took this as confirmation that his dream was real and started calling people randomly from the phonebook. After he gathered a dozen followers, and annointed them with fish oil, he sent them out to collect money for a church building. (Most of the money collected was from Christians who never questioned the doctrine. They just heard "church" and donated their cash.)

The church (pictured below) was built in two weeks. 

Mr. Laveen preached every morning and evening for two years. He had a local TV show, "Being Pacific", where he touted his toxic doctrines. Here are a few of his teachings:

• Humans will become fresh water fish in the afterlife.
• Baptism should be followed by swimming upstream against the current.
• If you are not buried at sea you are in danger of an eternal fish fry.
• The Pygmy devil ray (Mobula eregoodootenkee) is our enemy and should be shot on sight.
• Women should wear fish net stockings when going to church.
• The card game, "Go Fish", is of the Devil.
• Members of the Church of the Holy Mackerel will be Kingfish someday. 

Spencer T. Laveen was hit by a lightning bolt while fixing a flat on his Plymouth Barracuda in 2002.

The church disbanded and became extras in the 2003 Australian film, "Swimming Upstream" directed by Russell Mulcahy.

Forgotten Cults #4

Jack Benard Nimble

This former stuntman for Joey Bishop formed "The One-Eyed Jacks" Cult after he fell on his head during the filming of "The Joe Besser Story". His group was comprised of men with only one eye who were named "Jack". There were 5 Caucasians named Jack (including himself), 3 Filipinos named Jack, 2 Vulcans named Jack and 1 Black Jack. 

Their church was built in Las Vegas, eleven miles west of the Dipsy Doodle Theological Seminary and Ice Cream Stand. 

Imaginary funerals were held each Sunday for Silent Film Stars, Jack Hoxie and Jack Pickford.

Here are a few of his doctrinal beliefs:

• 
  
  Board games are of the Devil and should be ripped apart and soaked in Palmolive.
• 
  
  Computer games are of the Devil and should be smashed with a sacred hammer.
• 
  
  "Holy Shuffling" is the practice of throwing a deck of cards in the air, picking up only the cards landing face up and setting the rest on fire as a burnt offering.
• 
  
  Hell, according to Nimble, was a place of cement, not torment.
• 
  
  He taught that Heaven was a neon city with free pretzels and onion rings.
• 
  
  Jack B. Nimble also taught that a movie star would rise in the east and travel to the west.

Mr. Nimble was struck by lightning while preaching to a group of film buffs at the grand opening of "Jack the Ripper" starring Jack Palance.

His "church" is now a half-way house for people convicted of illegal parking. 

Corky's Last Day of Vacation

Corky on his last day of vacation in Jeffrey's Bay. He works hard and plays hard. His next assignment will take some time to get there since he has decided to drive. Corky has just recently won the "Best Costumed PR Dude of 2010" even though the year isn't up yet. Congrats ol' friend! Watch out for those wacky jelly fish! Don't step on the starfish! And look behind you occasionally!

Corky Velveeta the Surfer

Corky is vacationing in Jeffrey's Bay, South Africa.

He is seen here about to score a barrel. This is the kind of "you tube" he enjoys most. 

This photo was actually taken by New School surfer, Bill Board, who has his own surf shop in Jeffrey's Bay called, "Made 2 Ride". Corky will be back to work in a few days. He is invited to a "party wave" this afternoon. Take care buddy! 

From Winsor McCay

Here are two thought provoking illustrations from the late, great Winsor McCay

Wisdom from Havner

News Announcement

Arminian Antics #1

Well, it didn't take long to find out who robbed our offices last week. It was none other than Benny Finney, a relative of Charles Finney himself! Now he has his own Arminian humor blog with an instant group of followers from the First Free Will Church of Loco Weed County. I suspect we will see a lot more of Finney's handiwork in the future. I'll try and keep all of you posted. It's a cryin' shame, that's what it is, a cryin' shame...just take a look at his first blog. He hasn't an original bone in his body! He needs a little church discipline. But, instead he is applauded for his "originality".

Fan Photo from Ella Vader

Ms Ella Vader of Norman, Oklahoma will be getting a $7,000 check for discovering the new Corky app for the new ipad thingamabob.

Who knew?  

Thanks Ella, we hope the money will give you a lift!

Just for Laughs #90

Create a caption that will take our breath away!

Grumpy Old Men #5

Suggestions? Advice? Earn Points!

If you don't have a suggestion then you may want

to provide a caption for this photo above.

It'll do ya good.

Just for Laughs #89

Throw out a caption for Calvinistic Cartoons!

Corky on the Christmas Islands

...and now Corky visits the Christmas Islands

where its Christmas every single day!

Grumpy Old Men #4

Just for Laughs #88

Swab the decks with a theological caption!

Corky on Easter Island

Corky Velveeta has hidden $10,000 in cash in one of the ears of the statues here on Easter Island. Book a flight today and if you find it your flight will be paid for!

       Hint:  From the middle of a long row

 Count five to the east

Then face the ocean

                    He will be leaning toward the sign

Grumpy Old Men #3

Michael Horton Hears a Who

Someone (I honestly forgot who) sent me this poster many months ago after they saw a posting I did where I mentioned Michael Horton hearing a who. Forgive me for my bad memory. He wasn't sure who created this. If anyone knows, post his name here so I can give him full credit and $7,000 in cash...okay, forget the last part, credit only.

Just for Laughs #87

Dig deep and find a caption!

Grumpy Old Men #2

Just for Laughs #86

Write a caption or I will have egg on my face!

Grumpy Old Men #1

Corky at the Reformation Wall

Corky showed up at the Reformation Wall yesterday. I am not sure of the significance, but that is Rick Warren on Corky's right. The lady he is with is Urmila Vasundhra, her name means "enchantress of earth".

In an interview with Rick later, he stated that he is a blooming Calvinist but he wouldn't touch Calvinistic Cartoons with an eleven foot pole.

As Corky was about to leave, Mr. Warren approached him and whispered, "Cotton Adams was a Calvinist", thus earning himself a $1,000 prize.

He told reporters that he intends to use the winnings to promote his wife's new book, "The Purpose Driven Loaf", a bread cookbook he claims everyone kneads. 

God Will Provide

Five Days of Comment-ary

Album to Avoid

If anyone has a clue to what songs are on this album

please let us know. It helps with the joke.