Atheist Devotional Book #2

Here is another page from the devotional designed to keep atheism evolving:

My favorite flowering plant is the hibiscus. Last summer I bought a large potted red one and put it on our patio. Nurtured by rain and our sprinkler system, the plant grew like a weed in a vegetable garden. I enjoyed immensely its rich green leaves and bright trumpet blossoms. Does evolution have good ideas or what?

This winter, as the temperature dipped near freezing, I brought the hibiscus into our sunny breakfast room to protect it from the cold. There was one problem, however: I wasn't accustomed to watering the plant and I soon forgot to. Last week I discovered the hibiscus wilted, yellow, frail and no longer breathing.

I was disgusted with myself for being so neglectful to a harmless plant. I went to the closet, got out a croquet mallet and pounded it flat in front of all my other plants. I wanted them to know that I am the master.

I walked over to one of my chrysanthemums, which was in shock, and slapped it around. Then I ran over the rest of my outside plants with my lawnmover.

In the midst of all this, I wept for their evolutionary history. Just think, if plants had become the predominant life form, we might be suffering from mistreatment in the green leaves of a Venus Flytrap!

Go gently through that good night everybody. Be positive about the negative wherever your feet find you.

Another Letter from Buster Limburger

Brother Eddie,

Jake Herman's comment touched my heart...yea, my very soul. I need to repent (I said "need to") and would love for someone to present a list of "crazy" Arminians and "crazy" Calvinists so I can compare and see who would be the easiest to convince of my talent. I want to become part of the "Circus" of Churches and a list like that would give me access to many gulli...I mean sincere believers who have plenty of cash.

If anyone makes a comparative listing I just might send them a brand new twenty dollar bill...I said "might".

Your man in straw,

Buster

A Letter from Buster Limburger

Dear Calvinistic Cartoons,

I want to file a complaint...not about your blog, but against Benny Finney and his Arminian Antics! I had auditioned for the role of AA icon a few weeks ago. I memorized, not only John 3:16, but 1 John 3:16 as well. I made my own costume - I call it "Straw Man" and sang the National Anthem while juggling chain saws and torches. I lost out to Babs Gouda by one vote.

I demanded a recount, but because there were only 3 votes to begin with, Mr. Finney said, "No". 

Mr. Eddings, I have worked hard at being the best icon I could be. I previously worked at Taco Bell as a giant chihuahua icon who stood on the corner and pointed to the restaurant when a car passed by. I think I deserve this privilege more than Miss Fancy Pants. 

If you know of any other blogs...and I really don't care if they are Arminian or Calvinistic...would you please let me know? There might be a nice five dollar bill sent your way if I hear something in the next 48 hours....(remember, I said "might").

Your could-be-icon,

Buster Limburger

Fan Photo from Tyman Willikers

Seven grand goes to Mr. Willikers for the cover of this old comic book. We never knew this was featured on the cover of World's Finest. We here at Calvinistic Cartoons suspect it was Corky who influenced the writers and artist at DC comics years ago. Time travel y'know.

Just for Laughs #180

Let's see how long it takes you to pull a caption from out of your sleeve.

Random Word Writing Challenge #29

Write as many paragraphs as you like using the words above.

Entries may be poetry, prose, fiction, essays or interviews.

(or any other form of creatively written expression.)

Just be funny, clever and theological...

and please give your piece a TITLE.

Fan Photo from Malibu Arnold

Malibu Arnold snapped this photo of Corky at a wedding recently. Malibu tackled Mr. Velveeta in the parking lot, after the reception, and spoke those five little words that won him a nice 7k check. Corky is off to yet another place - somewhere on the planet. Be sure to look for him wherever you find free food and beverages...or wherever a humble Calvinist is being bullied.

What Ever Happened to...Cult Leader Labna Merkinson?

Please click to enlarge...please, please, please.

Many of you readers out there have asked me "What ever happened to Labna Merkinson?"

 If you remember correctly, he was the cult leader who had all his congregation dress in Spartan costume. He made the headlines in the summer of 1991 when he declared himself king of the Western Hemisphere. His militarist reaction to the Home Owners Association of Bayfield landed him in jail more than once.

His teachings were considered insane by half his congregation...but, they loved his spirit, so they stayed because the music was good. Here are some of his writings as the cult leader known as "Zeus Junior":

Each member of the Church of the Ancients will carve their own headstone to be displayed at the front of the church.

Each male member of the Church of the Ancients will jump from Bayfield bridge in the winter to prove his courage.

Songs are to be sung backwards to reveal any hidden messages from Heaven.

No right turns on red. If anyone beeps their horn in anger, then you have the Spartan right to hurl your shield into their front bumper. He who hurls his shield into the rear bumper will be fined half a days salary.

Any money found on the ground, anywhere, will be considered property of the Church of the Ancients.

For many years, Labna Merkinson held services in the underground sewer system. In 2010, Labna was visited by Joel Osteen in a jail cell outside of Topeka. After monetary arrangements were made, and a contract signed, Labna Merkinson became groundskeeper for the Joel Osteen mansion.  

Listen to Havner

Fan Photo from Constantine Lewis

Constantine Lewis, owner of the Lewis Shoe Horn Emporium in Choctaw, Oklahoma, sent the above photo to us this morning. He said it was proof that Dave Hunt was in da Nile. Although, I agree with Mr. Lewis' assessment, I can't send a $7,000 check because it looks like the photograph has been Photoshopped to me.

I contacted Mr. Hunt by phone who told me he WAS in da Nile but, he always has his little dog Toto by his side. So unless his little dog has drowned, I will have to declare this photo a fake.

People...this kind of thing happens sometimes.

Arminian Antics #68

The Corky Velveeta Comic Book

Before the grenade costume, before the world travels, Corky Velveeta had his very own comic book. $7,000 will be sent to Verpo Lummox who found this ad in an old comic book. I hope someday someone will discover the actual comic book. I will pay a good sum for some good copy of issue #1. Be on the look out!  

Atheist Devotional Book

Came across this book by Faye Rosehart in a used book store while I was in the States this summer. Seems that Faye Rosehart wrote this book a year before she passed on. She was a chain smoker and corn cob pipe enthusiast. This was a very strange book to read. Her idea was to have a daily guide to atheistic principles and propaganda. Faye was buried with a carton of Winstons.

Here is a page from this volume. Let me know what you think of it.

During my first month working at the book store, a red-haired man who looked like Red Buttons pushed his way through the line at the information desk and barked, "I need a book called Atheists and the Unicorn!" 

The tiny woman at the front of the line gingerly looked at him and said, "I should rip your heart out...but, you don't seem to have one."

I smiled at both of them and told the rude man, "The book you're wanting is called, Atheists and the UNIVERSE." I began walking around the counter to lead him to the shelf.

He stopped in his tracks. "No, young lady, the book I want is called Atheists and the Unicorn. It's by... let's see..." He wrinkled his brow in thought. "Kip Tawkin."

"You're close, sir," I said, "it's by Kip Squawkin."

"No, I know I'm right."

He seemed so sure of himself that I mumbled, "I check our inventory and see if it's here."

"Never mind. I will go elsewhere!"

He stormed off and got into his car. Then he drove it into our store, breaking the front glass doors and injuring four other innocent atheists.

I shot through his windshield five or six times, with my handgun, before the car door came open and Mr. Pompous Baboon fell out. 

I rushed to his side and lifted up his head. His last words were..."It's a livin'."

We informed the police before we cremated him.

What does it all matter anyway? We all wind up being nothing with a lower case "n". 

Hope this helps you as you speed through your miserable life, my friends. 

This is Faye Rosehart saying, "Love to smoke, love to drink, I think I married the missing link."  

Just for Laughs #179

Creepy, yes. I make no apology

As far as I'm concerned, so is bad theology.

Make a fitting caption for this weird photo

Every cult out there is led by a Bozo.

Explain Your Avatar

Please take a minute and explain why you chose your avatar or favicon.

Of course, your avatar will appear next to your comment.

We here at Calvinistic Cartoons are curious.

Meet Tweed Adams - Descendant of Cotton Adams

Mr. Tweed Adams

Received this email today from a new fan of Calvinistic Cartoons...

Mr. Eddings,

I am a direct descendant of the famous Cotton Adams. There are a lot of parallels in our lives I wanted to share with your readers. I will also be requesting any royalties that might belong to me. 

1. Cotton Adams was a circuit rider....I used to work at Circuit City.

2. Cotton Adams had a horse....I have a hoarse throat.

3. Cotton Adams was short of stature....I am short on cash.

4. Cotton  Adams met John Chapman, other wise known as Johnny Appleseed....I bought some chapstick flavored like Apples.

5. Cotton Adams preached to a crowd of 1,000 one night in Memphis from a stagecoach....I was in a crowd of 1,000 one night in Memphis when a preacher fell off the stage.

6. Cotton Adams started churches in several states....I started to go to church in several states.

7. Cotton Adams memorized the New Testament....I once memorized the titles of the books of the New Testament.

8. Cotton Adams fasted every Friday....I eat fast food that's fried.

9. Cotton Adams read books by two candles, for extra light....I read books on my Kindle 2, which is extra light.

10. Cotton Adams died on "Calico" - his horse, while traveling to Sandy Ridge in the Spring. Thomas Sawyer recorded the story. (see Calvinistic Cartoons Tuesday, April 26, 2011 post)....I dyed my calico overcoat a sandy color on the first day of Spring. I was downloading the story of Tom Sawyer on my computer that day.

Your newest fan,

Tweed Adams

B Movie of the Week

If you have seen this movie

please write a review.

NCFC - No Condemnation for Christians

There is no condemnation to them who are in Christ Jesus. “In Christ” is the believer’s position before God, not his condition in the flesh. “In Adam” I was condemned ( Romans 5:12); but “in Christ” is to be forever freed from all condemnation. “There is therefore now no condemnation.” The qualifying “now” implies there was a time when Christians, before they believed, were under condemnation. This was before they died with Christ, died judicially ( Galatians 2:20) to the penalty of God’s righteous law. This “now,” then, distinguishes between two states or conditions. By nature we were “under the (sentence of) law,” but now believers are “under grace” ( Romans 6:14). By nature we were “children of wrath” ( Ephesians 2:2), but now we are “accepted in the Beloved” ( Ephesians 1:6).

Under the first covenant we were “in Adam” ( 1 Corinthians 15:22), but now we are “in Christ” 
( Romans 8:1). As believers in Christ we have everlasting life, and because of this we “shall not come into condemnation.”
A.W. Pink

"NCFC - Thank the Lord it's true!

Praise to our Sovereign God is long overdue."

Fan Band Marty Doodle

Here is how one member used some of his $7,000 after he spotted Corky in a flea market and said to him, "Cotton Adams was a Calvinist". That's all you have to do. It's just that simple.

Thanks to all who have helped me in the past few years. I have really enjoyed the comments and friendship. 

Benny Finney's 7 Things Challenge

Dear Readers,
I know you are used to the Arminian Antics blog being published at this time period but, Benny Finney did not post his blog this week. I did happen to find this article by Benny in the latest issue of Arminianism Weakly. Hope you enjoy it. So for your consideration, here is Mr. Benny Finney, in his own words:

 After much prompting from two imaginary deacons and my humongous load of fan mail, I have decided to take up the seven things challenge. I am supposed to list seven facts about my life that are known by angels and some of the staff at Arminian Antics. All of this is real...so here goes:

1. I have a scar on my left foot shaped like the Mona Lisa. When I was 9 years old I was playing baseball, barefoot, with neighborhood kids on the south side of Potato Head, Idaho. I jumped a ditch to retrieve the ball and landed on a broken Pepsi bottle. I didn't even know what had happened until I looked back and saw all the blood on the street. My Uncle Remo rushed me to the hospital where I was treated by a quack doctor. My scar was the subject of laughter in the military when I pointed out that the Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.

2. Larry Storch once performed a skit I suggested. Before I was married, I hitch-hiked to Hollywood and attended the Jerry Stiller show (Hey...it was free!), whose co-host that week was Larry Storch. Prior to the show, the staff handed out index cards to the audience. We were to write an idea for Larry to improvise. I wrote my idea and also taped a five on the side. Jerry Stiller picked out about five skits, mine being the last and Mr. Storch did a full ten minutes using my suggestion. The idea was simply he being a stranded ice cream man in a warehouse freezer.

3. I have a combination of Trypanophobia and Arachnophobia. That is the extreme fear of medical procedures involving injections given to spiders. 

4. I was not always an Arminian, but I was always given the choice to be one.

5. One of my ancestors was hanged for impersonating Abraham Lincoln. I don't know the entire story but I suspect she took advantage of several townsfolk.

6. I am related to the actor, Nancy Walker.

7. I used to shoplift when I was a teen, until I was scared straight after getting caught walking out of a store with a bundle of Chick tracts. They found several items I stole from the Happy-Go-Lucky Arminian Books and Trinkets Emporium and threatened me with life at the Oral Roberts University. They let me go without even informing my parents. I rode my bicycle  home praying all the way that my mother would never find out. She never did.

The Hounds of an Arminian Master

Real Records You May Have Missed #41

Primitive way of counting if you ask me.

Prosperity Gospel?

Received an email from Gary Waters with the above photo.

He wondered if this pastor lived up to his name.

Strange Eschatology

An Interview with the Reverend Gucci Hummina

A small section from last weeks radio program, "Utter Prophecies":

Reverend Gucci, would you please explain to our listeners, your view of the rapture?

Well, I believe there will be a "partial" rapture. Not the partial rapture that has been touted by those who misread prophecy...y'know...some believers left behind and some taken in advance. No sir, that's just stupid. I'm of the belief that EVERY believer will be partially raptured in a twinkling of an eye.

Would you please explain what you mean?

Well, I am trying to...but, you keep interrupting me. By the way, you won't be in that number monkey man.

Y'see, "partial" means "partial", and that's all it means. When the trumpet blows...and fyi...that tune will be "Shall We Gather at the River"...Christians will have their feet taken to Heaven, first. Then, their legs, hands, arms, torso and finally, their heads. It won't be gory or bloody or anything like that, mind you, it'll be beautiful. 

That's sound completely insane if you ask me!

Well, city boy, nobody asked you! You don't get it because you are ignorant of hidden messages. It's actually a message in itself! Our feet do the walking. Our feet has carried us into sin and into church. Our feet take us where we want to go. It's been that way all our lives. So our feet go first, leaving us on our backs so we can see the Rapture unfold. 

What about those who are left? Won't they see these weird amputations occurring? 

Not at all. Y'see...time will stop for unbelievers. We will see this happen...it will last for more than an hour...but, for lost dudes, like yourself, it will all happen in a microsecond. 

How many Christians believe this? Can you back up your claims with Scripture?

Whoever reads my book, "Defeeted at the Rapture", will see the truth and will join our movement. We now have, at least, forty two, who have joined our Facebook page...and, yes, of course I can back up my claims with Scripture!.....

Well?

Well what! I don't owe you an explanation. Read my book! It's all there! Anyway, I have an appointment with Toni and Guy. I will be appearing on TBN tonight as an honored guest speaker. I tag-team preach with Jan Crouch...I just hope she doesn't interrupt me as much as you do. I'm outta here!

The First Large Print Bible

Deacons Rule

Facets of Grace: Something a Little Different

Facets of Grace: Something a Little Different: This is a song I wrote a few years back to the tune of Stevie Ray Vaughan's "Caught in the Crossfire". At the end of this song is a link to ...

Calvinists - You Should Love This!

Click on this:

Two "P's" in a Pod

Arminian Antics #67

Strange Facts about Christian Leaders #5

 

1.  John Bunyan had 26 bones in each foot! That's a total of 52 bones in his feet! Amazing feat!

2.  Oliver Cromwell's sneeze would rocket out of his body at close to 100 mph!

3.  William Wilberforce's eyes were always the same size from birth to death. During his lifetime, his nose and ears never stopped growing!

4.  John and Charles Wesley would shed and regrow outer skin cells about every 27 days!

5.  J. C. Ryle, as hard as he tried, could not tickle himself.
 
6.  George Whitefield was born with 300 bones, but by adulthood the number was reduced to 206.

7.  C. S. Lewis's left lung was smaller than his right lung.

8.  Count Zinzendorf's fingernails grew nearly 4 times faster than his toenails.

9.  Charles Haddon Spurgeon was born without knee caps. They didn't appear until he was between 2-6 years of age!

10.  Every year, during his lifetime, about 98% of the atoms in John Calvin's body were replaced!

Guess Who #26

Here are your clues:

I was an Augustinian monk.

I wrote one of the most published books of all time.

I was mistakenly buried alive.

(He was denied canonization as a saint because when his body was dug up splinters were found embedded under his fingernails.  The canonization authorities determined that a true saint wouldn’t fight death in such a manner.) 

Note: Evangelical Christians know that every born-again believer is a saint. We don't need to be "knighted by the proper authorities" to become a saint. We also don't pray to saints in Heaven. Saints alive! That's a small piece of why the Reformation was launched.) 

Strange Facts about Christian Leaders #4

1.  David Steele and Curtis Thomas were both born when Halley's Comet came into view in 1835. When they died in 1910, Halley's Comet was in view again...wait a second...sorry, that was Mark Twain.

2.  Mark Driscoll's home is free of badgers.

3.  Tim Keller once thought about ordering personalized license plates but later changed his mind.

4.  R. C. Sproul has never been bitten by the deadly Brazilian wandering spider.

5.  C. J. Mahaney walked out of his home one day and didn't come back until after dark.

6.  Many years ago, Steve Lawson escaped injury when his vehicle knocked over his garbage can while backing out of his driveway.

7.  Cornelius Van Til, in his prime, could probably whip R. J. Rushdoony with one hand tied behind his back.


8.  John Frame is also a classically trained musician and a critic of film, music, and chocolate Easter bunnies.

9.  Abraham Kuyper, in his early years, would mark on walls with crayons.

10.  Louis Berkhof has never bought plastic flamingos in the United States OR in Canada!

Strange Facts about Christian Leaders #3

 

1.  When Carl F. H. Henry would jitterbug in front of his relatives, they would often comment that he looked like a frog in a blender.

2.  John L. Dagg was the world's tallest Baptist theologian. He came in at 18 feet 7 inches.

3.  Albert Mohler, Jr. has created enough saliva in his lifetime to fill a plastic swimming pool!

4.  Once, Wayne Grudem, in his early twenties, did not fill out a bank deposit slip correctly.

5.  John Gill never saw the Titanic, much less step foot on board.

6.  James Petigru Boyce, when a teen,  suffered from an upset stomach after eating too much ice cream and cake.

7.  John F. MacArthur laughs longer, louder, and more often than his brother-in-law.

8.  Charles Spurgeon once ate a bug by mistake. He never knew what happened. His oatmeal just tasted funny.

9.  John Piper blinks over 10,000,000 times a year!

10.  John Calvin never used MasterCard or Visa. He would always pay cash.

Guess Who #25

A few clues for you to use:

This male actor's real name was Whipple. The name Whipple was given in honor of an ancestor on his father's side, William Whipple of New Hampshire, who had co-signed the Declaration of Independence. 
He graduated from Lamar High School in Houston, Texas, in 1949, and went on to attend Blinn Junior College on a football scholarship. Having been raised in a devout Christian home, he studied one semester at Dallas Bible Institute before joining the Army. 
He rejected several film offers because the scripts contained unnecessary foul language, exploited sex, or gruesome violence and he settled down to a family life. He finally chose to put the film industry behind him and joined the ministry under Chuck Smith's Calvary Chapel. 

 

Words to Reckon With

Arminian Antics #66

Classics #35

Seven Personal Things Challenge

After much prompting from two imaginary friends and my inner child, I have decided to take up the seven things challenge. I am supposed to list seven facts about my life that are usually not proclaimed upon the rooftops. All of this is real...so here goes:

1. I have a scar on my left foot shaped like the United States of America. When I was 10 years old I was playing baseball, barefoot, with neighborhood kids on the north side of Houston. I jumped a ditch to retrieve the ball and landed on a broken Coke bottle. I didn't even know what had happened until I looked back and saw all the blood on the street. My Aunt Ruby rushed me to the hospital where I was tortured by a kind doctor. My scar was the subject of laughter in the military when I pointed out Florida, New York State and the California coast line.

2. Richard Pryor once performed a skit I suggested. Before I was married, I hitch-hiked to Hollywood and attended the Pat Boone show (Hey...it was free!), whose co-host that week was Richard Pryor. Prior to the show, the staff handed out index cards to the audience. We were to write an idea for Richard to improvise. I wrote my idea and also drew a cartoon on the side. Pat Boone picked out about five skits, mine being the last and Mr. Pryor did a full ten minutes using my suggestion. The idea was simply he being a stranded photographer in Africa.

3. I have Trypanophobia. That is the extreme fear of medical procedures involving injections or hypodermic needles. I can't even watch an injection on TV or a movie.

4. I was not always a Calvinist, but I was always predestined to be one.

5. One of my ancestors was hanged for impersonating Ulysses S. Grant. I don't know the entire story but I suspect he took advantage of several townsfolk.

6. I am related to the actor, Clint Walker.

7. I used to shoplift when I was a teen, until I was scared straight after getting caught walking out of a store with a "Mad-Libs" book. They found several items I stole from Fed-Mart (mostly 8mm films) and threatened me with life in prison. They let me go without even informing my parents. I rode my bicycle  home praying all the way that my mother would never find out. I later confessed. Much later.

September Calendar 2011