So, I heard you just got back from an interview with your doctrinal doctor, and you have some serious theological pimples. Well, have we got a product for you! Stop by the TULIP Pharmacy, owned by Tim Uther Lyle Ignatius Pyle, to pick up a bottle of 100% natural and 200% Biblical Reformed TULIPicious Straight-Shooting Biblical vitamins! Guaranteed to make all of your theological views look even better than if you had them edited in Photoshop! So, what are you waiting for? Come down today and get yours, only for $29.99 per bottle! We would have a thirty-day money-back guarantee, but we're so sure you'll love our product, we didn't even bother!
@Joel the Immerser: Maybe I am Anonymous because I am a very famous person. Maybe I choose to remain anonymous because I am a criminal locked up behind bars. Nevertheless, you have raised the bar with your genius, sir. Now, us common folk will have to work that much harder to knock you off the top of the mountain of literary wizardry. For you see, wizardry has no place in a Calvinist type blog.
I'll TAKE that challenge!! Step aside, Joe, and weep into your latte.
One day Rob Bell had taken a vitamin that made his pimples explode. He was scheduled for an interview with a Pnotoshop master who cancelled at the last moment, leaving Rob Bell crying like a baby in front of Rick Warren's manicurist.
When the man from Photoshop arrived He soon discovered to his delight A soothing beverage to be imbibed That guaranteed success and the copyright
He was there to get the story in an interview Of how the televangelist kept his girlie shape And discover the secret of his colorful hue Which couldn’t be denied it was there on tape
The secret is really one that is so very simple Hunting around the shelf for vitamins one day He found a bottle guaranteed to remove a pimple “Well, What heck he was heard to say?
The TV preacher gave the interview to the guy From Photoshop and Calvinistic Cartoons Take your vitamins to keep a pimple on the fly Always read C.C. or Zap! Pow! Alice it’s the moon
Vitamins can't save from sins They call for stronger cure The pimple of our putrid love Can ne'er God's wrath endure Photoshop can't cover up A heart that is impure So interview your King anew Repent ... and rest secure!
Do you guys remember the song by REM called "It's the end of the world as we know it"? I have written a little ditty that has a similar tune... It uses related words out together in a sort of jumbled way...
Brian McLaren, Rob Bell Universalism, no Hell replace the Bible, PDL appearance fees, sell sell no hymns, praise band nobody takes a stand it's the Emergent Church as we know it and it feels fine...
Mark Driscoll, soul patch cussin' preachers, there's a catch Calvinism?, no match Neo-reformed?, down the hatch Doug Pagitt, what a shame Everyone's afterlife turns out the same? It's the Emergent Church as we know it and it feels fine...
Rick Warren, on the mound Jonas Brothers, provide the sound felt needs, no Bible found what happened to dinners on the ground? curve balls, to the flock Angel Stadium, God is mocked it's the Emergent Church as we know it and it feels fine...
@truthinator: I'll help you out by adding the four required words to the end of your ditty -
Rick Warren, on the mound Jonas Brothers, provide the sound felt needs, no Bible found what happened to dinners on the ground? curve balls, to the flock Angel Stadium, God is mocked it's the Photoshop interview as we know it it's the vitamin pimples and you show it it's the end of the song and I mow it and it feels fine...
CL: "Rick Warren to offer vitamins to his church members! In one interview he said that the younger people of his congregation were aggravated at all the pimples they had. Well, "Rev." Rick decided to talk to more of his occultic doctor friends, like Oz, and found a cool vitamin that would help them out. It was only sold on a witchcraft website though, so he went and bought several bottles and photoshopped the retail logo out of the title and printed new labels... He says take two and call him in the morning. (Rim Shot.) (Audience laughs)
"That's all for this segment, next we're going to have an interview with Rob Bell, who says his recent visit at Calvinistic Cartoons HQ was quite "smashing"." (Audience claps)
I was on my way home from the apothecary with a bag of vitamins recommended by a dear friend as the greatest cure ever for pimples, when I was approached by Martin Bashir, who asked if I would consent to an interview. I told him I would be in the studio tomorrow.
I immediately went home and took a photo of myself, and used Photoshop to get rid of all of my pimples. At last, I was pimple-free, and didn't even need to take the vitamins.
The next day I told Mr. Bashir how I had been healed of pimples, and showed him my picture as proof. He gave me a mirror. I looked in the mirror, and told him those pimples were not there because I no longer believed they were there. Again, I held up my picture as proof.
Mr. Bashir continued to question me about my pimples, but I just held my ground through the interview, obviously making him to look the fool.
Later that day, when I was alone at home, I did take some of those vitamins. Just in case.
-The name of this person has been withheld for obvious reasons.
Why use Photoshop to blur the lines between truth and error when you can use...
Two-Faced Heterodox Cream - the Botox for Bad Doctrine.
Guaranteed to hide the pimples of poor exegesis and those unsightly lines of liberalism. Enriched with vitamins, antioxidants, and jello, Two-Faced Heterodox Cream will give your errors the sheen of evangelicalism. Only $179.99 in six easy installments. Operators are standing by.
[Disclaimer: Use only as directed. Overuse can result in bunions, halitosis, unexpected attacks by angry marmots, and spontaneous nasal growth particularly on TV interviews.]
@truthinator: "Get your own material" were not the 4 words required to enter your song of songs. I was just trying to help you "get in" to the club house. The club house of proper writing.
Well, I gave it a shot. :-D
ReplyDeleteReformed TULIPicious Straight-Shooting Biblical Vitamins
So, I heard you just got back from an interview with your doctrinal doctor, and you have some serious theological pimples. Well, have we got a product for you! Stop by the TULIP Pharmacy, owned by Tim Uther Lyle Ignatius Pyle, to pick up a bottle of 100% natural and 200% Biblical Reformed TULIPicious Straight-Shooting Biblical vitamins! Guaranteed to make all of your theological views look even better than if you had them edited in Photoshop! So, what are you waiting for? Come down today and get yours, only for $29.99 per bottle! We would have a thirty-day money-back guarantee, but we're so sure you'll love our product, we didn't even bother!
@Joel the Immerser:
ReplyDeleteMaybe I am Anonymous because I am a very famous person. Maybe I choose to remain anonymous because I am a criminal locked up behind bars. Nevertheless, you have raised the bar with your genius, sir. Now, us common folk will have to work that much harder to knock you off the top of the mountain of literary wizardry. For you see, wizardry has no place in a Calvinist type blog.
I'll TAKE that challenge!! Step aside, Joe, and weep into your latte.
ReplyDeleteOne day Rob Bell had taken a vitamin that made his pimples explode. He was scheduled for an interview with a Pnotoshop master who cancelled at the last moment, leaving Rob Bell crying like a baby in front of Rick Warren's manicurist.
Hahaha! Those were great.
ReplyDeleteAlso: I don't drink lattes.
Well, you need to start.
ReplyDeleteWho says?! Oh, wait...
ReplyDelete@Anonymous:
ReplyDeleteMaybe you is a famous criminal who is locked up behind bars.
Why is he locked up?
ReplyDelete@Joel, that was pretty awesome. Rob Bell and photoshop, somehow they go together.
ReplyDeleteThe Photoshop Interview of Pimple Vitamins
ReplyDeleteWhen the man from Photoshop arrived
He soon discovered to his delight
A soothing beverage to be imbibed
That guaranteed success and the copyright
He was there to get the story in an interview
Of how the televangelist kept his girlie shape
And discover the secret of his colorful hue
Which couldn’t be denied it was there on tape
The secret is really one that is so very simple
Hunting around the shelf for vitamins one day
He found a bottle guaranteed to remove a pimple
“Well, What heck he was heard to say?
The TV preacher gave the interview to the guy
From Photoshop and Calvinistic Cartoons
Take your vitamins to keep a pimple on the fly
Always read C.C. or Zap! Pow! Alice it’s the moon
True Repentance
ReplyDeleteVitamins can't save from sins
They call for stronger cure
The pimple of our putrid love
Can ne'er God's wrath endure
Photoshop can't cover up
A heart that is impure
So interview your King anew
Repent ... and rest secure!
Do you guys remember the song by REM called "It's the end of the world as we know it"? I have written a little ditty that has a similar tune... It uses related words out together in a sort of jumbled way...
ReplyDeleteBrian McLaren, Rob Bell
Universalism, no Hell
replace the Bible, PDL
appearance fees, sell sell
no hymns, praise band
nobody takes a stand
it's the Emergent Church as we know it and it feels fine...
Mark Driscoll, soul patch
cussin' preachers, there's a catch
Calvinism?, no match
Neo-reformed?, down the hatch
Doug Pagitt, what a shame
Everyone's afterlife turns out the same?
It's the Emergent Church as we know it and it feels fine...
Rick Warren, on the mound
Jonas Brothers, provide the sound
felt needs, no Bible found
what happened to dinners on the ground?
curve balls, to the flock
Angel Stadium, God is mocked
it's the Emergent Church as we know it and it feels fine...
@truthinator:
ReplyDeleteI'll help you out by adding the four required words to the end of your ditty -
Rick Warren, on the mound
Jonas Brothers, provide the sound
felt needs, no Bible found
what happened to dinners on the ground?
curve balls, to the flock
Angel Stadium, God is mocked
it's the Photoshop interview as we know it
it's the vitamin pimples and you show it
it's the end of the song and I mow it and it feels fine...
Today on, Neo-Heretics Tonight.
ReplyDelete(Audience claps as host Cal Luther enters.)
CL: "Rick Warren to offer vitamins to his church members! In one interview he said that the younger people of his congregation were aggravated at all the pimples they had. Well, "Rev." Rick decided to talk to more of his occultic doctor friends, like Oz, and found a cool vitamin that would help them out. It was only sold on a witchcraft website though, so he went and bought several bottles and photoshopped the retail logo out of the title and printed new labels... He says take two and call him in the morning. (Rim Shot.) (Audience laughs)
"That's all for this segment, next we're going to have an interview with Rob Bell, who says his recent visit at Calvinistic Cartoons HQ was quite "smashing"." (Audience claps)
I was on my way home from the apothecary with a bag of vitamins recommended by a dear friend as the greatest cure ever for pimples, when I was approached by Martin Bashir, who asked if I would consent to an interview. I told him I would be in the studio tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteI immediately went home and took a photo of myself, and used Photoshop to get rid of all of my pimples. At last, I was pimple-free, and didn't even need to take the vitamins.
The next day I told Mr. Bashir how I had been healed of pimples, and showed him my picture as proof. He gave me a mirror. I looked in the mirror, and told him those pimples were not there because I no longer believed they were there. Again, I held up my picture as proof.
Mr. Bashir continued to question me about my pimples, but I just held my ground through the interview, obviously making him to look the fool.
Later that day, when I was alone at home, I did take some of those vitamins. Just in case.
-The name of this person has been withheld for obvious reasons.
Oops! Forgot to title it...so just call it "Dear Diary"
ReplyDeleteWhy use Photoshop to blur the lines between truth and error when you can use...
ReplyDeleteTwo-Faced Heterodox Cream - the Botox for Bad Doctrine.
Guaranteed to hide the pimples of poor exegesis and those unsightly lines of liberalism. Enriched with vitamins, antioxidants, and jello, Two-Faced Heterodox Cream will give your errors the sheen of evangelicalism. Only $179.99 in six easy installments. Operators are standing by.
[Disclaimer: Use only as directed. Overuse can result in bunions, halitosis, unexpected attacks by angry marmots, and spontaneous nasal growth particularly on TV interviews.]
Remo:
ReplyDeleteGet your own material...no coat-tailin', padner. ;-)
Persis,
Very funny!
@truthinator:
ReplyDelete"Get your own material"
were not the 4 words required to enter your song of songs.
I was just trying to help you "get in" to the club house.
The club house of proper writing.
@Truthinator: Awesome!
ReplyDeleteGood work, gentlemen.
@Remo:
ReplyDeleteRequirements?! We don need no stinkin requirements!
Who-a's requirements you-a calling a-stinkin', m'n?
ReplyDeleteHere's my entry:
ReplyDeleteRoses are red
Violets are blue
Who needs four words
When none will do
Remo:
ReplyDeleteHere's my point. My bit was Emergent oriented, right? Emergents do not follow rules... rules are confining.
Voila! You missed my point but thanks for trying to help, i guess. Maybe everyone's work should stand alone and we submit our own? Who knows.
Not following the rules is part of the joke...even though
i admit that i also missed this in the beginning... ;-)
Truthy