"Well, beloved, as they used to say at the Sword of the Lord Bible College, you can take Dwight L. Moody to a river, but you can't make him eat cake! Such is the power of free will! Amen? Amen and amen!"
Mr. Scott: Captain, I need more power if I am to make the jump from Arminianism to Calvinism.
Mr. Spock: Oh, cry me a river, Mr. Scott. Man up and trust God's grace through faith in Christ alone. Your self-righteousness works will not get you anywhere. It is simply not logical...
Dr. McCoy: That's right, Scotty. It's a piece of TULIP cake.
Captain Kirk: DL Moody once said, "A great many people are trying to make peace, but that has already been done. God has not left it for us to do; all we have to do is to enter into it."
"Tom, I believe I have a lead on our thief," I announce to my colleague, the esteemed Doctor Watkins.
"And what might that be, Homes?" he replies, weariness in his voice.
"I've been digging through the debates of Doctor R.C. Spire - and one opponent in particular was very harsh, a Doctor Moody Cake. Pelagian, Open-Theist, the whole lot. Evil man."
"That's all well and good, Sherwood, but..." A lightbulb turns on in Tom's head. "Aha! A small cake crumb was found at the scene of the crime!"
"Exactly!" I exclaim. "Let's pay the good doctor a visit, shall we?"
"Let's!"
Ten minutes later...
"Hello Doctor, nice to see you," Watkins greets, smiling. "I do hope we're not interrupting anything."
"Oh, nothing at all," he stammers, looking around cautiously. "Do please come in..."
"Thank you," I reply, nodding courteously as we enter a nice little living room. "Doctor Moody, we were wondering if..."
"Put your hands up, Homes," he orders, nodding over to a doorway.
"...And why should we do that?"
Our answer comes quickly, as two large robots with heads like John Calvin enter the room, bearing massive machine guns.
"THAT'S WHY!" he cackles, a wild-eyed. "I know why you're here..."
"You're not very good at hiding things, are you?" Watkins quips, raising his hands slowly.
"You'll never get back that Bible...Never, I say..."
"PAUL WASHER!" I yell as a diversionary tactic, causing the robots to temporarily short circuit. Watkins and I go flying in opposite directions, drawing Romans 9 hand grenades as we go, tossing them towards the robots as we evade the soon-approaching gunfire of Moody's denizens.
"RATTATTATTA..." The onslaught of bullets is cut short by the grenades, sending pieces all over the place.
"MY BEAUTIFUL CREATIONS!" Moody sobs. "MY ROBOTS! MY CALVINIST ROBOTS! THE POWER THEY GAVE ME! ALL GONE! ALL GONE!"
"Oh, cry me a river," Watkins grumbles as he claps handcuffs over the madman's wrists. "Alright, so, this Bible is from another dimension, eh?"
"Yeah," I reply, surveying the area. "Some guy named Spurgeon...Our contact is a certain Eddie Eddings."
"Well, let's call up Inspector Les Spade - he and his men can sweep the place."
"Sounds like a plan!" Turning to our defeated prisoner, I slap him on the back. "Don't worry, Moody - now you'll get it for theft and for attempted murder!"
(end of Arminian sermon)
ReplyDelete"Well, beloved, as they used to say at the Sword of the Lord Bible College, you can take Dwight L. Moody to a river, but you can't make him eat cake!
Such is the power of free will! Amen? Amen and amen!"
Like
DeleteSovereign Grace...The Final Frontier
ReplyDeleteMr. Scott: Captain, I need more power if I am to make the jump from Arminianism to Calvinism.
Mr. Spock: Oh, cry me a river, Mr. Scott. Man up and trust God's grace through faith in Christ alone. Your self-righteousness works will not get you anywhere. It is simply not logical...
Dr. McCoy: That's right, Scotty. It's a piece of TULIP cake.
Captain Kirk: DL Moody once said, "A great many people are trying to make peace, but that has already been done.
God has not left it for us to do; all we have to do is to enter into it."
Very clever, Mr. T
DeleteThe Revenge of Doctor Moody Cake
ReplyDelete"Tom, I believe I have a lead on our thief," I announce to my colleague, the esteemed Doctor Watkins.
"And what might that be, Homes?" he replies, weariness in his voice.
"I've been digging through the debates of Doctor R.C. Spire - and one opponent in particular was very harsh, a Doctor Moody Cake. Pelagian, Open-Theist, the whole lot. Evil man."
"That's all well and good, Sherwood, but..." A lightbulb turns on in Tom's head. "Aha! A small cake crumb was found at the scene of the crime!"
"Exactly!" I exclaim. "Let's pay the good doctor a visit, shall we?"
"Let's!"
Ten minutes later...
"Hello Doctor, nice to see you," Watkins greets, smiling. "I do hope we're not interrupting anything."
"Oh, nothing at all," he stammers, looking around cautiously. "Do please come in..."
"Thank you," I reply, nodding courteously as we enter a nice little living room. "Doctor Moody, we were wondering if..."
"Put your hands up, Homes," he orders, nodding over to a doorway.
"...And why should we do that?"
Our answer comes quickly, as two large robots with heads like John Calvin enter the room, bearing massive machine guns.
"THAT'S WHY!" he cackles, a wild-eyed. "I know why you're here..."
"You're not very good at hiding things, are you?" Watkins quips, raising his hands slowly.
"You'll never get back that Bible...Never, I say..."
"PAUL WASHER!" I yell as a diversionary tactic, causing the robots to temporarily short circuit. Watkins and I go flying in opposite directions, drawing Romans 9 hand grenades as we go, tossing them towards the robots as we evade the soon-approaching gunfire of Moody's denizens.
"RATTATTATTA..." The onslaught of bullets is cut short by the grenades, sending pieces all over the place.
"MY BEAUTIFUL CREATIONS!" Moody sobs. "MY ROBOTS! MY CALVINIST ROBOTS! THE POWER THEY GAVE ME! ALL GONE! ALL GONE!"
"Oh, cry me a river," Watkins grumbles as he claps handcuffs over the madman's wrists. "Alright, so, this Bible is from another dimension, eh?"
"Yeah," I reply, surveying the area. "Some guy named Spurgeon...Our contact is a certain Eddie Eddings."
"Well, let's call up Inspector Les Spade - he and his men can sweep the place."
"Sounds like a plan!" Turning to our defeated prisoner, I slap him on the back. "Don't worry, Moody - now you'll get it for theft and for attempted murder!"
He sighs and looks away. A case
...* Another case closed!
ReplyDeleteJoel, I really got involved in your story.
Delete